Would you be offended if your partner's mother said this?

[noirchatsdeux]

Me: 52, partner: 50. Been in a relationship nearly 12 years, lived together for a year, partner now works in another city 200 miles away that for various reasons I can't afford to live in with him. We spend all our spare time together.

My relationship with his parents has always been poor, they don't approve of me for a number of reasons...I'm older, been previously married, I am estranged from my father, foreign (they are pretty racist). About 6 years ago I decided I'd had enough and I haven't seen them since. Partner still sees them - they live about 45 minutes away from him. I was disappointed they didn't like me - what's left of my family are on the other side of the world and due to covid I won't be seeing them anytime soon.

Neither of us have children - I never wanted any, have had two terminations, one when married to my last husband. Partner was previously engaged, she was 7 years younger than him and didn't want children at that time. They split for other reasons, he met me 3 years afterwards. I made it clear when we got together that children weren't an option, he is fine with it.

On Sunday we somehow got on the subject of children, both of us saying that we weren't sorry that it hadn't happened. I mentioned that my mother is pissed off not only with me but also with my two brothers - none of us have given her grandchildren. Partner is an only child...he said that his mother still thinks he will make her a grandmother! Of course I pointed out my age...he then said that his mother thought he might meet a far younger woman and it would happen that way...

Am I wrong to be really angry with that? That she thinks that after 12 years he should dump me just so she gets a grandchild?

So you didn’t hear it from your partners mother directly, so there was an utter lack of timeframe/actual wording/other context? Pretty wanky of your partner to tell you that’s what she said 🤔

I would shrug that off. She's hurt and probably jealous of her friends that have grandchildren. All that matters if you and your partner are happy together.

Some people are really, really insensitive about this topic. I was only able to have my DD through IVF. So unlikely I’d have been able to conceive again and dp didn’t want any more children.
MIL still says to me, “ I don’t know why you don’t have any more children.” She has no idea how insensitive that is in my circumstances.

@Ughmaybenot It was after the game on Sunday night, we'd both had quite a few drinks (I hate football so imbibed more than usual to get through it). My partner unfortunately has a problem with not knowing when to keep stuff to himself anyway...

His mother used to mention having grandchildren virtually every time she got me alone when I used to see them, she's been really keen/thinking it was going to happen ever since we got together. It hasn't mattered how many times my partner or myself told her it wasn't going to happen (I've had cancer twice) - she's like a stuck record on the subject.

I just never thought she'd go this far, after we've been together so long. And that's leaving aside the fact that my partner is 50!

She’s a horrible racist so who gives a toss what she thinks? You haven’t seen her for 6 years, I wouldn’t be giving this any head room.

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese Thanks for that...we are happy together, that was what we were discussing, how if either of us had really wanted children we would have made it happen a long time ago, probably before we'd even met.

I have never felt guilty about not giving my mother grandchildren, but I know my partner does. Both his parents have made it crystal clear that they are disappointed with him for not doing so.

You don't have children in the expectation they will give you grandchildren. We are going to be grandparents soon and we are thrilled but I have never asked if they were planning to have children, expressed a wish for grandchildren etc. it is none of my business. As a parent you do not know whether there may be problems, circumstances that they don't want to share with you or anybody else. Your partner's mother may be disappointed but she should keep it to herself.

Doesn’t matter what your DP’s mum said.

Your DP should’ve kept quiet about it!

I wouldnt be offended. This woman is nothing to you, you havnt seen her for 6 years. She can hope he himself gives birth to a unicorn one day for all the chance shes got....its not your problem.

My sister is married to a (lovely) man that likes peace and quiet. She takes their children on holidays alone and frequently spends weekends at my mothers with the DC. He never has them alone. He rarely sees his own family and its got to the point where we havnt seen him for about 4 years as "hes busy and likes alone time" (hes a teacher so regular time off). We accept it as he also does it to her friends and his own family. To be honest I dont ever think of him in her future, because he isnt around. When we plan days out or holidays I always extend the invite but I never actually include him in my planning, as I know he wont come. I also wouldnt be suprised if they ended tomorrow but this has gone on for over 15 years and both seem very happy together with this arrangement. So maybe his mother just doesnt think about you being long term because she doesnt see you. Its not meant offensively but she just may not think youre very serious and think that one day he will meet someone more involved with their family.

Hahahaha he isn't having any children at 50... But even when he met you he was 40... He still probably wouldn't have had any children

She’s nuts; unfortunately a lot of people are, and it’s impossible to deal with them. You’ve done well to distance yourself from them.

@NEVERENDINGST0RY Well if that's the case I hope for his future partner that they are a damn sight nicer to them than they ever have been to me!

I didn't cut contact on a whim, I got sick of having to listen to racist talk about 'foreigners' (when I am one), I got sick of his father thinking he could dictate what I do as a grown woman of 48 - as I told my partner at the time, I wouldn't take that bullshit from my own father, no way was I taking it from his!

Being generous of say sas you don't live together or live on the same city even, some people would assume you're not that serious.

However she's a racist woman who isn't actively in your life who's expecting her 50 to son to go out and specifically find a woman young enough to produce I'm an heir. Her opinion is meaningless. Fill under "things to let go over my head"

I think that part of cutting people out of your life is shutting down other people wanting to quote them to you. The ‘flying monkeys’ as they’re known. Even the unconscious ones, like your DP.

It’s tempting to discuss them, after all you know that somewhere they’re probably bitching about you to anyone who will listen. But you need to tell your partner that ‘bitching by proxy’ isn’t on. He needs to catch himself when he finds himself starting a sentence with ‘What my mum said about you is…’, drink or no drink.

No point slamming the front door to them, then letting their poison in via every window and back door to ruin your piece of mind.

I discovered that the hard way. My DM seems determined to pass on constant tidbits about my estranged sister’s life to me. I let it happen for ages, but always walked away feeling slightly angry and sick in the stomach. It was a necessary break, for good reasons and it works very well for me. Now I have firm rules. I don’t want to hear anything- not about her car repair, her new hairstyle, her relationships. I remind mum that she has a million other friends and family to do this with, but I’m out. I remind her kindly- the first time. The second time I make my excuses (calmly) and end the conversation. Firm, silent protest. It’s worked better than being vocal and cross. I think it’s because I’m role-modeling the ‘silence’ on this issue that I need her to follow. And leaving her with the (slight) fear that more silence might be coming her way unless she filters her topics better.

If this latest comment has hurt or angered you, it might be that you still have unresolved feelings about the estrangement? I found therapy very valuable for this. Once I had my emotional facts straight, I didn’t feel as ambushed ever again.

If you have calm acceptance that the estrangement is forever, then sit your DP down. After all, his mum wasn’t (probably) sitting in malicious hope he’d pass it on to you- he came up with that brilliant plan on his own. Even thought it was slightly funny? Just because he has some crappy boundaries with her, he still needs to understand and support yours. And consider how happy he wants your limited time together to be.

@SleepingStandingUp We did live together until partner got this job. Due to bad choices made in his 30s he had a shit tonne of personal debt he has been paying off - this job meant he's been able to pay it all back in 7 years (less than half the time it would have taken before). I have lived in the city he is in before, didn't like it, don't want to live there again. I have my own lovely flat where the rent is a fraction of what he pays for a room. He's just moved into management, plans to stay for a couple of years and then move to my city.

Being nearly 53 and menopausal I currently wouldn't care if I never lived full time with a man ever again. This part-time/dating arrangement we have suits me fine.

@noirchatsdeux I didn't say o didn't think it was serious, just that being generous I can see that some people might think it isn't and therefore think he might date someone else in the future.

But given she's not a nice person ignore ignore ignore

@SleepingStandingUp I know I probably sound a bit defensive, I get a lot of grief from my mother about the fact we don't live together. She doesn't understand why I actually prefer it...or why I'm not in a hurry to marry again! (partner has asked me, I've not said no, just that we have to be at least in the same city first!).

@MadameMonk I suppose I just think she's bloody deranged, to be honest. My own mother finally gave up hope on that subject when I turned 40, I know men don't have a 'clock' like women do, but I don't know many men who want to become first-time fathers at 50...

It’s understandable/natural that she would want grandchildren.

Even taking you out of the equation, the odds would be fairly low (but not impossible) that your DP could find a much younger partner and would even want children at 50!!

Clearly as much as she means nothing absolutely to you, you mean absolutely nothing to her.

Taking an objective view it’s understandable from both her and your points of view.

I understand OP. I also have horrible in-laws. They don't approve of me as I'm white, don't go to mass or even pretend to go, work instead of staying home with the baby, have divorced parents (the irony given their son my DP is divorced).

I've lost count of the amount of times MIL has offered to find DP a nice Indian wife.

From her point of view - you have been together 12 years and you don't live together. You live 200 miles apart and you haven't seen his mother for over 6 years. She probably doesn't think your relationship is that serious, expecially as she is and OAP.

Playing devils advocate, if you haven't heard her actually say that, are you sure that's not coming from your partner? I mean why would he even bring it up if the subject has already been shut down by you both. Might be starting to creep into his mind as well. Its not impossible that he could meet someone in their 30s/40s who wants kids.

I'm not trying to hurt you in saying that, just seems a bit of a Freudian slip to me on his part.

@CliftonGreenYork

From her point of view - you have been together 12 years and you don't live together. You live 200 miles apart and you haven't seen his mother for over 6 years. She probably doesn't think your relationship is that serious, expecially as she is and OAP.

Yeah I reckon this is what’s going on. Just ignore it. Easier said than done I know!

You're not wrong to feel angry about it but at the end of the day, you know they're racist, interfering, unpleasant twats ... So bad you cut contact.

They want grandchildren and while he's alive (!) he could theoretically have a child. Since older men have fathered kids.

So it's hardly a surprise they're hanging out hoping your relationship with him ends and he knocks up a woman of child bearing age.

They clearly don't care about your relationship with him at all, and they clearly know you can't stand them, and they want a grand child, they want their family to continue so it's hardly surprising.

I don't mean it's reasonable, just not surprising.

You live 200 miles apart and you haven't seen his mother for over 6 years. She probably doesn't think your relationship is that serious

It sounds like you did live together at one point (?)

They probably see you no longer living together, even though it's due to his work etc. as a sign the relationship was getting less serious and committed (even though that's apparently not the case).