Would you be offended if your partner's mother said this?

[noirchatsdeux]

Me: 52, partner: 50. Been in a relationship nearly 12 years, lived together for a year, partner now works in another city 200 miles away that for various reasons I can't afford to live in with him. We spend all our spare time together.

My relationship with his parents has always been poor, they don't approve of me for a number of reasons...I'm older, been previously married, I am estranged from my father, foreign (they are pretty racist). About 6 years ago I decided I'd had enough and I haven't seen them since. Partner still sees them - they live about 45 minutes away from him. I was disappointed they didn't like me - what's left of my family are on the other side of the world and due to covid I won't be seeing them anytime soon.

Neither of us have children - I never wanted any, have had two terminations, one when married to my last husband. Partner was previously engaged, she was 7 years younger than him and didn't want children at that time. They split for other reasons, he met me 3 years afterwards. I made it clear when we got together that children weren't an option, he is fine with it.

On Sunday we somehow got on the subject of children, both of us saying that we weren't sorry that it hadn't happened. I mentioned that my mother is pissed off not only with me but also with my two brothers - none of us have given her grandchildren. Partner is an only child...he said that his mother still thinks he will make her a grandmother! Of course I pointed out my age...he then said that his mother thought he might meet a far younger woman and it would happen that way...

Am I wrong to be really angry with that? That she thinks that after 12 years he should dump me just so she gets a grandchild?

You seem very upset about this when in reality you’re no contact and they are racist idiots, so quite frankly what they think should be irrelevant.

Are you so angry because it hit a nerve? Do you feel it’s a risk he will end it for a younger woman?

At this point in your relationship, I think I'd find it funny.

You already know your MIL is racist, doesn't like you, is GC obsessed and wishes your partner had met someone else - this is just the icing on the cake.

Her life must be a massive series of disappointments.

Actually, I hadn´t even got to the children comment in your intro and I was thinking, mother in law wants a younger woman for her son to give her grandchildren. That´s what all that disapproval is about really. It happened to a friend of mine, he married a 47 year old with an 18 year old son and his mom was aghast. She disliked the bride intensely purely because no grandkids. End of.

@AnneLovesGilbert

She’s a horrible racist so who gives a toss what she thinks? You haven’t seen her for 6 years, I wouldn’t be giving this any head room.

Yeah, this!

Thanks everyone for replying!

Has it hit a nerve? - The nerve of her being so bloody insensitive...she knows that I've had cancer twice - even if I'd wanted bloody kids it wouldn't have been physically possible. She has always known this. But I do find it amusing that she thinks her son, who has never shown the slightest interest in having children, is suddenly going to wake up at nearly 51 and decide he wants them...

@Bluntness100 - no, believe me I know there's no risk. He doesn't want kids, he knows that ship is sailed. What he wants is his mother to get her head out of her ass and shut the fuck up about them.

@AnnaMagnani - Nail on the head. They got married at 20 because she fell pregnant with partner. His father has always resented that, and his mother has cheated on his father at least twice since my partner was 11. They should have split up decades ago but they both like the lifestyle they have. Bitterness, resentment and disappointment on both sides have turned them into very unpleasant people. In the last decade even most of their families have cut down to, at best, very low contact with them. She probably sees a grandchild as a sticking plaster on her life.

So the question is why would he even mention it to you knowing it would upset you?

@PinkyPunkyHairdoo Because he was drunk and in vino veritas. He also has a terrible tendency not to think before he speaks, a total inability to edit what has been said to him... even when sober. Believe me, he knows the remark has offended me.

I think in the circumstances his mother's comments aren't surprising. It's quite hurtful that he repeated them though.

Well I suppose I'm seeing the usual 'if you don't live together your long term relationship isn't real' attitude being well and truly confirmed here. Bit sad in this day and age, really. I suppose our 12 happy years together mean nothing.

OP,
His mothers remark is not to be unexpected but really not worth getting upset about.

He's the tit that repeated it to you, but he has form for doing that so again, no point in winding yourself up.

Clearly as much as she means nothing absolutely to you, you mean absolutely nothing to her
This is the bit you need to focus on.

DP is 48 so I'm assuming his Mom is at least 66 but quite likely post 70. It's a different attitude to what constitutes a relationship. But, again Clearly as much as she means nothing absolutely to you, you mean absolutely nothing to her.. So unless your DP is talking about going off 5o find some local young woman to bear his children, let it go and don't bite.