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Original poster

What do you make of this odd behaviour?

42 replies

LittleBigDipper · 13/07/2021 21:55

I've been with dp 2.5 years, we don't live together (an hour apart). Generally happy, good relationship, no immediate plans to live together etc as both have kids and don't want to blend.

So until a few weeks ago we seemed to have been getting very enotionally close over the past few months. Due to wfh, he would phone me a couple of times a day (on breaks), loads of messaging etc, saw each other every weekend as usual.

Then about three weeks ago he started to go quiet. One evening I called at 6 and he never returned the call - odd. At 11pm he messaged to say he fell asleep...I thought he may have been out tbh.

Then he cancelled a Saturday night together, saying he felt tired. Fair enough. I noticed if we were on WhatsApp late at night he was also messaging someone else, once he send me an 'innocent' message by mistake for a female friend I'd never heard of. He swore blind she was just a friend when I asked about her, he seemed very alarmed though, I took his word on it.

Usually we have some messages all day, but he ignored a message/question I sent on Sunday until Monday morning which was very odd.

Today I got a rush of messages out of no where this morning, where he said he was very stressed by work, money etc, it appeared he really opened up. He even apologised for being so distant the past few days. I was sympathetic and calm, kind.

Related to the stress, I mentioned the possibility of living together in future but with no pressure (bearing in mind until a couple of weeks ago i felt we were 'very close' emotionally). He said he liked the idea we could look at it. Then he went, no reply to my offer to call him later to chat.

So I called earlier this evening, bearing in mind his stress this morning. He didn't answer, never called back and no message. I dont really think he 'fell asleep' all evening again. If he was so stressed, wouldn't he want to talk? Or at least reply? I'm hardly chasing him. Is this not a hurtful way to treat someone you allegedly love?

This all seems very odd, from someone who wanted to speak to me all the time until very recently. There's nothing I've knowingly done to bother him, I've only been kind and loving tbh. I do find the situation quite upsetting. Any ideas?

OP posts:
LemonTT · 13/07/2021 22:15

It sounds like he is pulling back but isn’t sure of what he wants.

Or, like a lot of people he’s socially more busy now than anytime in the past year. Like a lot of people his life will have been in limbo for about a year and half. Things are changing for everyone and that will pull stress on a LDR which has mostly been spent in lockdown and restrictions.

You clearly suspect he’s up to no good. I don’t think there’s a lot of evidence for that. A couple of missed calls and a cancelled date. However if you feel it isn’t right then maybe time to move on. I suspect this is how things would have worked out anyway without a pandemic.

Btw, it’s a lot to expect someone to call twice a day even in a LDR or to answer every call. I’d struggle to keep that up no matter what I felt for the person. But I would just tell you straight not to call everyday or to expect me to answer.

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2021 22:17

He is pulling back but I don’t understand why if he’s telling you about his stress you pick that moment to ask him to live together? Adding that decision to it?

ravenmum · 13/07/2021 22:19

Do you not see each other very much face to face? Is it all text messages?

WhatMattersMost · 13/07/2021 22:20

I think you know what his odd behaviour is about. He's messaging someone else, and then guiltily over-compensated with you when he realised you had a sense of what was going on.

Original poster
LittleBigDipper · 13/07/2021 22:31

@lemonTT I don't expect him to call twice a day, it just feels odd to me that he went from being so communicative (his choice) to radio silence. Msybe I'm overthinking...

@Bluntness100 fair point. At the time he seemed in a pretty bad way, so I guess I was saying something that may be a positive for the future (more time together and he's v stressed about money, so would help too). It may have been a bad decision by me to mention it though.

@ravenmum we see each other every weekend, but between times we usually have a lot of communication. The communication seems to have dropped a lot though. Again, maybe I'm overthinking

OP posts:
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 13/07/2021 22:45

Does he show as 'on line' or last seen 10pm when he's 'been asleep' all evening.

It's probably innocent albeit flirty messages. I'd let it run its course you can't police who he talks to but take it as a warning and watch for more red flags

Be considerate to him in the mean time in case he really is stressed and tired

Original poster
LittleBigDipper · 13/07/2021 22:56

@shakeitoffshakeacocktail no he seems genuinely offline when he's 'asleep all evening'. I find it odd that until a few weeks ago he'd never have left messages ignored 24 hours, phone calls unreturned (he'd have been the caller!)

I guess I just need to sit back, let him be and see what happens. I won't chase him that's for sure.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 13/07/2021 23:15

I've been in a living-apart relationship at a similar distance for 4+ years but we can make it one night in the week too, when his dd is at her mum's. Any chance you could do that too?

We don't text every day, and when we do it's just a line or two. Neither of us can be bothered with extensive texting or calls, and neither of us is constantly available. Maybe your guy has been fed up with this for a while and has now just decided to change the pattern?

Or maybe he's chatting to someone else. These living-apart arrangements are no good if you are worried about fidelity - too much time to imagine stuff, you can't look them in the eye or see their face to reassure you, and the distance is boring and offers a great opportunity for mucking around. You might just be better off with someone more local...

WatieKatie · 13/07/2021 23:27

It’s a horrible feeling OP.

Could it be that post lockdown life is getting back on track and he’s more busy now? I know with me I have far less time to message friends as I’m out more and work is crazy busy. That said I always make time for my DP.

Personally I’d take a step back and see how he responds.

When are you due to meet up again?

Original poster
LittleBigDipper · 14/07/2021 07:15

@ravenmum glad it's working for you! The thing I'm finding odd is that previously a lot of the phone/text contact was initiated by him, no pressure from me at all! So if he's now tired of it, well at not point have I been chasing if that makes sense.

@WatieKatie yes it's a horrible feeling! For a few days it's OK, understandable. But as the weeks progress and he remains distant, which he even acknowledges and apologises for, without any real explanation of why he's shutting me out.

Last night he said he was asleep all evening again, as an explanation for not returning my (one) call. I guess my only option is to step right back and let him get on with what he's doing. Just feels quite cruel tbh, I'm always kind to him and not a pressured person at all!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 14/07/2021 09:23

Asleep again all evening, quite a piss-take, huh? I'd be tempted to calll him out on that.

5475878237NC · 14/07/2021 09:26

I would say he was feeling guilty for being disinterested in you and messaging someone else/ she binned him off and he realised he was going to end up alone if he didn't make an effort with you.

After all this time I would be upset with being treated this way regardless of the reasons behind it. I would be thinking he's not that bothered.

ravenmum · 14/07/2021 09:27

e.g. "If you want to end things, I'd appreciate it if you could do it with respect."

You say he did the chasing - but it wasn't lovebombing?

AlternativePerspective · 14/07/2021 09:37

I would bet money he’s seeing someone else.

Going from regular contact to not returning messages and then claiming to be sleeping all night would ring alarm bells if it started to become a regular occurrence.

And not showing as online could be because he’s out with that person.

bookworm20 · 14/07/2021 09:47

Sorry but such a change in his behaviour would suggest to me he is messaging and likely seeing someone else and is waiting to see if that works out before ending it with you.

2 evenings he's just 'fell asleep?' Yeah ok. I suspect those evenings he was in fact out and the reason he couldn't answer your calls and texts.

billy1966 · 14/07/2021 10:03

@bookworm20

Sorry but such a change in his behaviour would suggest to me he is messaging and likely seeing someone else and is waiting to see if that works out before ending it with you.

2 evenings he's just 'fell asleep?' Yeah ok. I suspect those evenings he was in fact out and the reason he couldn't answer your calls and texts.

This is likely unfortunately.

I certainly wouldn't believe repeated sleeping all evening from 6pm.

Step 100% back from him OP and prepare for it being over.

You do sound lovely and deserve better.
He isn't worth chasing.

Flowers
Original poster
LittleBigDipper · 14/07/2021 10:10

Thanks. The thing is, I have very calmly asked him in the past (and a couple of weeks ago) if he still wants to be with me, given him the opportunity to end it without stress. He has insisted he loves me etc.

I dont know if it was love bombing as it was far into the relationship, he's definitely very hot and cold though. I would like him just to be honest with me.

OP posts:
Cooldryplace · 14/07/2021 10:16

Hmm, I think there could be innocent explanations, he's busier as we come out of lockdown, he is genuinely struggling with stress, but coupled with the accidental message, I don't think he's being honest.

AlternativePerspective · 14/07/2021 10:19

Thing is OP, he’s already lying to you with the “was asleep since 6 PM” bollocks. He’s not going to be telling you the truth now.

He is going to play you until he decides what he wants, and if he comes back and starts being communicative again it is only going to leave you wondering whether it’s because he’s really less stressed now or whether he decided she wasn’t the one after all.

I personally couldn’t carry on like that and would end it now. Say something like “look, it’s obvious you don’t really want to be in touch that much, and that’s fine, but I think that we should just maybe take a step back from each other.”

But I can see why you haven’t and why you want answers. But sadly I don’t think you’re ever going to get honest ones.

Ohpulltheotherone · 14/07/2021 10:22

You need to talk face to face about it all so you can gauge his reaction.

It could be totally innocent and he’s just adjusting back to life post lockdown and the contact has naturally dropped a little.

However it’s making you feel bad so you’re entitled to raise the issue. You don’t have to sit and wait for him to work out what is the right level of contact for him.

If you don’t want a partner who doesn’t reply to messages and doesn’t return calls then you need to spell that out. I wouldn’t either. It’s rude to just blank someone. OK you don’t need to speak 10x a day but surely your girlfriend is on the list of people you reply back to in a decent timeframe….

You need to ask him what his expectations are and then decide if you’re happy with them.
Not just blindly accept whatever attention he throws your way.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/07/2021 10:25

The whole ‘ oh I fell asleep ‘ thing and not answering your calls or replying to texts would make me think he’s either losing interest or he is seeing, or chatting to someone else. I just never believe that as a valid excuse. What you just fall asleep watching tv or at your desk?
People always seem to ask their DP, when things seem to be going bad, do you want to be with me still ? 99% of the time they say yes but it means nothing if their actions make you feel confused or upset. People will often say yes even if they’re having doubts as they don’t want to be the bad guy. I’d sit back and watch very carefully op, maybe he’s just stressed as he says, maybe he’s got his head turned, only time will tell.

ravenmum · 14/07/2021 10:27

If he's keeping his options open / just seeing multiple women at once then he's going to say that he still loves you. Does he usually visit you, or do you go back and forth? Any other funny little things you've noticed in the past apart from him texting this other woman? Him being oddly over-excited about going to certain places, or always phoning you from outside?

My bf's in his 50s and occasionally drops off on the sofa, but he'd text me when he woke up ...

Schrutesbeets · 14/07/2021 10:29

What did the accidental message say??

armanted · 14/07/2021 10:29

Doesn't sound innocent to me, more like he's seeing someone else.

Don't expect honesty OP, you won't get it.

Cooldryplace · 14/07/2021 10:30

TBF, when I've had periods when I really wasn't coping with life, I could quite easily sleep from getting home form work until morning.

I agree it's more likely he's doing something else, especially with the accidental message, but if he really is in a bad way with stress, sleeping would fit.

However, I always wonder how accidental these messages are, if maybe he wants you to know there might be someone else.