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Original poster

What do you make of this odd behaviour?

42 replies

LittleBigDipper · 13/07/2021 21:55

I've been with dp 2.5 years, we don't live together (an hour apart). Generally happy, good relationship, no immediate plans to live together etc as both have kids and don't want to blend.

So until a few weeks ago we seemed to have been getting very enotionally close over the past few months. Due to wfh, he would phone me a couple of times a day (on breaks), loads of messaging etc, saw each other every weekend as usual.

Then about three weeks ago he started to go quiet. One evening I called at 6 and he never returned the call - odd. At 11pm he messaged to say he fell asleep...I thought he may have been out tbh.

Then he cancelled a Saturday night together, saying he felt tired. Fair enough. I noticed if we were on WhatsApp late at night he was also messaging someone else, once he send me an 'innocent' message by mistake for a female friend I'd never heard of. He swore blind she was just a friend when I asked about her, he seemed very alarmed though, I took his word on it.

Usually we have some messages all day, but he ignored a message/question I sent on Sunday until Monday morning which was very odd.

Today I got a rush of messages out of no where this morning, where he said he was very stressed by work, money etc, it appeared he really opened up. He even apologised for being so distant the past few days. I was sympathetic and calm, kind.

Related to the stress, I mentioned the possibility of living together in future but with no pressure (bearing in mind until a couple of weeks ago i felt we were 'very close' emotionally). He said he liked the idea we could look at it. Then he went, no reply to my offer to call him later to chat.

So I called earlier this evening, bearing in mind his stress this morning. He didn't answer, never called back and no message. I dont really think he 'fell asleep' all evening again. If he was so stressed, wouldn't he want to talk? Or at least reply? I'm hardly chasing him. Is this not a hurtful way to treat someone you allegedly love?

This all seems very odd, from someone who wanted to speak to me all the time until very recently. There's nothing I've knowingly done to bother him, I've only been kind and loving tbh. I do find the situation quite upsetting. Any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleBigDipper · 14/07/2021 10:39

Well the other odd thing was, the first time he fell asleep at 6pm (he's done it two or three times in the last few weeks) he called me at lunchtime that day and said 'you're with the kids this evening aren't you?" As if he was checking I was busy/not seeing him. It just felt a bit odd, we wouldn't normally ask a pointed question like that on an evening we weren't due to see each other.

As we don't live together and he's not volunteering any information/asking to end things, it's incredibly difficult to know what's going on. The sad thing is, I've been kind and loving, helped him through hard times (as he has me). If he told me it was over then I'd be sad but accept it. Going through this seems much harder!

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 14/07/2021 10:43

It's hard isn't it as 18 months of your 2.5 years together has been in a pandemic so plenty of time for messaging etc
I'm wondering if both of you have kind have come to a plateau- and both are thinking what happens next- It's not OK that you have been demoted to not getting replies etc

VodkaSlimline · 14/07/2021 10:44

2.5 years and you're still living an hour apart and dealing with weirdness, uncertainty and dodgy behaviour? This relationship is not going anywhere.

AlternativePerspective · 14/07/2021 10:44

It’s a shit way to treat someone.

Have the discussion about the future, where one wants it to go or not to go etc by all means, but just stepping back with pathetic lies like “I was asleep,” (yeah, right,) is cowardly.

Relationships are supposed to be about honesty. And this bloke is being anything but.

crochetmonkey74 · 14/07/2021 10:45

@LittleBigDipper

Well the other odd thing was, the first time he fell asleep at 6pm (he's done it two or three times in the last few weeks) he called me at lunchtime that day and said 'you're with the kids this evening aren't you?" As if he was checking I was busy/not seeing him. It just felt a bit odd, we wouldn't normally ask a pointed question like that on an evening we weren't due to see each other.

As we don't live together and he's not volunteering any information/asking to end things, it's incredibly difficult to know what's going on. The sad thing is, I've been kind and loving, helped him through hard times (as he has me). If he told me it was over then I'd be sad but accept it. Going through this seems much harder!

ooh this sounds a bit different- like he was checking you wouldn't be out anywhere to spot him!

What about if you said something like ' look, it seems like you are not as sure about this anymore- can we meet to have a chat?'

surlycurly · 14/07/2021 10:46

Even if he's not cheating, the bond of trust you had with him seems to have disappeared. I don't believe he's sleeping (although I had an ex who did so this), as the questions about your activities in advance seem really odd. I do think there has been something, or someone, who had his attention. Fundamentally you're more in this than him it would seem. From this point you'll always have an insecurity about the relationship that means it can never be equal. I'd cut my losses, even though it will sting for a while. You shouldn't feel neurotic and suspicious in a healthy relationship.

PhillipPhillop · 14/07/2021 10:46

Is he messaging you when he wakes up or just waiting for you to message again and he trots out his excuse? My cynical opinion is he's interested in someone else who is blowing hot and cold at the moment and when it's 'cold' he wants to make sure you're still around as back up. Don't sit there waiting for him to decide on the relationship, tell him it's not working for you at the moment and you want to cool it for a while then get back together when you both know you definitely want each other. Obviously he will proclaim his love for you etc but his actions after will prove it more than his words.
And yes, was the accidental text completely innocent? I mean just by reading it and not his explanation afterwards?

AlternativePerspective · 14/07/2021 10:47

Tbh I’ve been with my DP for 8 years and we live 2 hours apart and have been unable to move in together for logistical reasons (me with DC, his job, etc,) but we do communicate when we’re not physically together, and it works for us. I have my bed to myself all week, and I have my own space then, and he is there on weekends.

But if he wanted things to change or didn’t see it going anywhere I would expect him to talk to me about it and we could decide together. If he started lying about being asleep/stopped replying to my messages it would put me off him anyway tbh.

Dollpiglet · 14/07/2021 10:51

I would stop contact for a bit, don't meet up for a few weekends and see what he does. If he's happy to let it slide then there's your answer. I wouldn't be chasing him around and texting at all hours.

PhillipPhillop · 14/07/2021 10:54

Again with my cynical hat on, the
stress could be his relationship dilemma and not work related. You suggesting moving in together might be the last straw! But I wish you well; when you are in the middle of a problem it's hard to see it pragmatically from the outside.

Glitterb · 14/07/2021 11:47

@LittleBigDipper its such a horrible feeling, OP, and I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. Do not chase him and get on with your life, honestly it isn't worth the pain. It always goes back to that famous saying 'if he wanted too, then he would'

I split up with my bf of 2.5 years a few months ago for the same reasons, I never got any kind of honesty from him and asked him multiple times, he always just used excuses. I still have no idea what really happened and tbh I don't even care anymore. I feel too old to be messed around!

SirB0bby · 14/07/2021 12:23

Trust your gut OP. Plus, the only person I know who regularly falls asleep in the evenings is my Mum and she's 85!

MindTheBumps · 14/07/2021 13:10

He is seeing someone else I would bet my left kidney on it.

If he has a smart watch I would ask to see the app next time you are together. If he was asleep all evening it would be recorded.

Cooldryplace · 14/07/2021 13:20

@MindTheBumps

He is seeing someone else I would bet my left kidney on it.

If he has a smart watch I would ask to see the app next time you are together. If he was asleep all evening it would be recorded.

Jesus wept, if it comes to that it's all over regardless
KirstenBlest · 14/07/2021 13:27

There is almost certainly someone else.

He probably didn't fall asleep.

He had probably put his phone on aircraft mode.

You are probably Plan B.

Dump him.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 14/07/2021 13:29

He’s cheating on you!

He’s checking youre with the kids so you won’t be ringing or texting him.

Have you only gotten emotionally close over the last few months?

He’s met someone else closer to home.

5475878237NC · 14/07/2021 13:47

Having read your updates I'm certain he's cheating on you but won't end your relationship until he knows he wants her more/that she is available.

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