Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is this gaslighting

43 replies

Summerof74 · 13/07/2021 20:32

Right I am not sure. I have been married ten years and I have a history of bad pmt.
Typical example. Today I got up and cracked on cleaning. My husband asked why I was rushing around and he did not feel well and was off sick. He said 'I don't know where I am with you - last week you were knackered and today you are on full speed'He said I was rushing my sentences even though I didn't think I was.
It ended up with him screaming at me and punching walls calling me names as I stood up for myself! The neighbours actually collared me about his screaming today!
When he had calmed down he said he does not know which person I am and that I am changeable. He always blames things on my hormones and that I have issues.
I have had issues and had therapy but I don't know if that's because he tells me I have issues. I know I have bad pmt but I don't know how to be. I always end of apologising and they crying because I am so screwed up. However I only feel like I am a fuck up to him. All my other relationships are fine except my previous marriage was difficult too so is it me??
Every little disagreement is blamed on me and my hormones. I am beginning to feel like it must be that because he tells me so many times. When we are good it is good but when any thing goes wrong my hormones get blamed and for me acting a certain way.
I just don't know what to think anymore. I feel
Much more relaxed when he is not about and I know that's not normal. He would say I don't always feel like that and it is my hormones talking! I am perimenopausal I know that but is it my hormones or is it him?

OP posts:

Rosetintedglasses666 · 13/07/2021 20:51

To me it sounds like it is him gaslighing but just make sure you are aware of any of your own issues also. Sounds like it might be time to leave him.

burritofan · 13/07/2021 20:54

It’s him it’s him it’s him. You’ll feel a lot less “hormonal” when you leave him.

I had one like this, constantly telling me I was having a nervous breakdown, I was unwell, I was mad, I couldn’t cope, etc, it put him on edge. Leaving was bliss.

cheeseislife8 · 13/07/2021 20:56

Its him. Screaming at you is not ok

Thingsdogetbetter · 13/07/2021 20:56

Dear god yes, this is gaslightinh 101. He's verbally abusive and physically abusive (punching walls is abusive!). He blames his choices to scream, call you names and punch walls on you. How powerful are you, that you can force him tp take these actions?? You're NOT. These are HIS choices. PMT does not make other people violent and aggressive.

It is perfectly normal to be tired one week and energetic the next. He's hooked onto your hormones cos he knows it works and makes you question yourself.

Time to take full advantage of the lack of tolerance for bullshit that perimenopause gives you and tell him to fuck off.

Original poster

Summerof74 · 13/07/2021 21:07

Thankyou.
He tells me I make him angry but sometimes I don't know why! This is my second marriage and feel like a failure.
I am trapped. I work part time but have such a bad credit history due to a failed business. I have £300 in savings as he is the main earner. I have two teenagers to my previous marriage and two children to him. No parents and I can't expect friends to take me in. The rental we are in is in his name?
Any ideas?

OP posts:

me4real · 13/07/2021 21:10

It is abuse. Abusive men often claim women are inferior/shouldn't trust our perceptions or are to blame for their abuse. One of the reasons they'll give is hormones or mental health problems.

Windingroad21 · 13/07/2021 21:13

Sorry to read this, OP. You deserve better, and I think you know that yourself.

I would call Women’s Aid and begin to formulate a plan to get yourself out of there, without him knowing. There is always a way with the right support and advice.

Umberellatheweatha · 13/07/2021 21:22

He screams at you and punches walls. Its abuse.

But yes, him telling you are 'hormonal' for having a problem with his vile behaviour - is gaslighting.

Definately speak with womens aid. I'd also speak to the job centre people to see what aid you would be entitled to.

Original poster

Summerof74 · 13/07/2021 21:28

Thank you again. He will be fab for the next few weeks and then I question myself. Have I got it wrong?
I know this is typical behaviour and this time I have to remember what he can be like. A few years ago he got me by the throat and head butted me. This hasn't happened since as he scared himself at his behaviour but I can see bits creeping back. It's when he is stressed! He can't cope.

OP posts:

ThirdTimeIucky · 13/07/2021 21:28

I spent my whole marriage being told I had hormonal issues. I spent the last few years of our marriage going to the GP about my hormones and bad mood.

We separated and I definitely have much fewer issues. I'm not saying I'm not emotional or snappy at times. But I'm ot this awful monster I believed I was at time.

aubreyii · 13/07/2021 21:31

He got you by the throat and head butted you? Why the fuck are you still with him? Why? Have some self respect. He could kill you. He's vile. VILE.

PearlNextDoor · 13/07/2021 21:32

Oh boy, so you cleaning annoys him?!

I'd go to a refuge. With the DC.
They help you get started anew.

Umberellatheweatha · 13/07/2021 21:35

@Summerof74

Thank you again. He will be fab for the next few weeks and then I question myself. Have I got it wrong? I know this is typical behaviour and this time I have to remember what he can be like. A few years ago he got me by the throat and head butted me. This hasn't happened since as he scared himself at his behaviour but I can see bits creeping back. It's when he is stressed! He can't cope.

He may want you to think that it is him 'losing control' but that's not the case. He does what he does to gain control over you. To intimidate you and scare you. It's not about a loss of control.

He is not abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive.

He wants you to think he just 'loses it' so that you will be focussed on trying to manage your own behaviour in some way to prevent him getting angry. You can't.

He WANTS to scare you. He WANTS to hurt you.

And then he acts like he feels he went to far. But this is to make you think again, that he sid what he did because he was angry. When in fact, he did it deliberately to scare and control you.

That's the trick!

He knows what he is doing. It is deliberate. He just doesnt want YOU to know that.

Also op, he needs to be reported to the police. The fucker headbutted and choked you! He is a fucking sociopath.

Umberellatheweatha · 13/07/2021 21:36

And absolutely get yourself and the kids out to a refuge asap. Or next time he might kill you.

Neondisco · 13/07/2021 21:37

Sounds like gaslighting to me.

What are your relationships with others like? I'd imagine if you had hormonal issues which had an impact on your behaviour you'd struggle with other relationships or say at work.

Do you feel very up and down? Or we'll balanced? I know thst insight can be hard. I have mental health issues so I get it's hard to self assess!

Thinking about these things, which I think you probably have a hunch on already will help identify if it is him making these things up.

Neondisco · 13/07/2021 21:39

Sorry I was slow to reply and read so cross posted with the update.

Definitely get out. As pp's say this can escalate and your life could be in danger.

ahoyshipmates · 13/07/2021 21:42

The neighbours actually collared me about his screaming today!

What did the neighbours say? How did you respond?

TheFoundations · 13/07/2021 22:11

The only thing wrong with you is that you think there might be something wrong with you.

If you take that out of the equation, and let's just assume for a minute that nothing is wrong with you - then what would you think of the situation?

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 13/07/2021 22:29

This gives me the absolute rage! Whenever I say anything to my DP that he doesn't like and he knows it's my time of the month I always get 'I hate it when your on your period'

NO ITS FUCKING YOU BEING A TWAT! Nothing to do with my hormones!

It's just a way for them to shift the blame onto us.

Sounds like he has issues and can be a bit unpredictable with his moods?

Original poster

Summerof74 · 13/07/2021 22:43

Thankyou so much.

You had helped me see clearer and that this is not me. I know if I pursued things he would be aghast and he really can't see what he is doing wrong. He genuinely thinks it is me!

I am going to ring women's aid tomorrow.

My other relationships at work and with others are fine! I might get abit arsey now and again but don't we all!
He always talks me round but not this time. Time to make a plan. Will keep you updated!

OP posts:

ToastieSnowy · 13/07/2021 22:49

Yes he’s gaslighting you. I’m pleased you’re ringing women’s aid for some rl advice. Well done for trusting your judgement enough to ask on here, he might have made you wobble, but you knew something wasn’t right.

It’s not you, it’s him.

rejectedcarrit · 14/07/2021 10:03

Jeez, he grabs you by the throat and head buts you, bangs his fist into walls and the story is that you are hormonal and that's what is causing this? I think you'll find you don't have a hormone problem, you have an abusive partner problem.
Well done for taking your first steps to free yourself.

billy1966 · 14/07/2021 11:39

Terribly abusive.

I hope womens aid can help.

Umberellatheweatha · 14/07/2021 14:20

he genuinely thinks its me

He wants you to believe he genuinely thinks it's you. That's the gaslighting again.

They look at you as if you are malfunctioning or tell you you are crazy when you call them out on their shit. But don't be fooled, he absolutely knows what he is doing and that it is wrong. He just would rather you believe you are the one 2with the issues rather than stop abusing you.

Tbf his sort can also be so arrogant that they think 'how dare this woman have problem with me beating the shite out of her?' But it's not because they dont know theyve done something wrong. It's because they feel they are perfectly entitled to beat, bully and abuse you. Because you are nothing in comparison to the almighty them/because they own you.

Umberellatheweatha · 14/07/2021 14:34

Oh and if you're struggling to believe that he knows what he is doing and likes hurting you, one good thing to look for is what's called the narcissistic smirk.

When you are sad, stressed or perhaps have failed at something or when he has just been horrible to you you might see him smirk. Or just notice that he is suddenly very perky and full of energy.

They also don't like it when you are happy and uplifted and full of energy. Or when you are clearly engrossed in anything other than them. Which may explain that tirade when you were busy cleaning.

But think of it this way, what kind of monster enjoys other people pain and sorrow? Let alone their partners.

They dont all do the smirk of course. And considering he batters you, it's pretty obvious he is an abusive piece of shit who views you with nothing but contempt. But the smirk is something that if it was there you would be able to look back and remember because it's so incidious but maybe at the time you couldn't put your finger on why.

Can really help you identify a gas lighter when they pretend to care about you yet, are happy when you fail ect...

Flip

1 2