Is this gaslighting

[Summerof74]

Right I am not sure. I have been married ten years and I have a history of bad pmt.
Typical example. Today I got up and cracked on cleaning. My husband asked why I was rushing around and he did not feel well and was off sick. He said 'I don't know where I am with you - last week you were knackered and today you are on full speed'He said I was rushing my sentences even though I didn't think I was.
It ended up with him screaming at me and punching walls calling me names as I stood up for myself! The neighbours actually collared me about his screaming today!
When he had calmed down he said he does not know which person I am and that I am changeable. He always blames things on my hormones and that I have issues.
I have had issues and had therapy but I don't know if that's because he tells me I have issues. I know I have bad pmt but I don't know how to be. I always end of apologising and they crying because I am so screwed up. However I only feel like I am a fuck up to him. All my other relationships are fine except my previous marriage was difficult too so is it me??
Every little disagreement is blamed on me and my hormones. I am beginning to feel like it must be that because he tells me so many times. When we are good it is good but when any thing goes wrong my hormones get blamed and for me acting a certain way.
I just don't know what to think anymore. I feel
Much more relaxed when he is not about and I know that's not normal. He would say I don't always feel like that and it is my hormones talking! I am perimenopausal I know that but is it my hormones or is it him?

Hello I have e mailed women's aid this morning.
We just had another argument and he threatened to smack my face through the wall! He said I will be a lonely old woman as I have to many issues and am like a robot apparently he is leaving me. Bharat mini meltdown. He said I am not supportive, selfish etc

Just reread through all your replies and they all say the same but you are just getting my side of the story. I am just so confused!!

Sorry I had a mini meltdown!

OP if you hang around and keep listening to his toxicity you will never stop doubting whether or not it is abuse because he will continue to gaslight you. Just do what you need to do to get away from him fast and safely and perminantly.

He is threatening you with violence. Theres no circumstance under which that is acceptable.

Let's assume it's all your fault, then, OP, if you're so concerned about us not having heard his side. Let's assume you are exactly as awful, hopeless and tragic as he thinks you are. Do you think that that means you have to stay and listen to his abuse?

And, regarding 'his side': if he has come to the understanding that his partner is an unsupportive, selfish robot, why doesn't he take responsibility for his situation, and leave? Even if what he is saying is true, it still indicates that he doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship.

If you're that awful OP, why is he sticking around? 100% you should not be with someone who threatens you with violence never mind acts on it,

Please ring the police, he has threated you with violence, surely you know that is wrong.

Tell the police you are afraid he will kill you.
They will remove HIM from the house.

There is a way out of this horror.
Ring the police.

Just your side of the story is fine, OP.

Normal partners don’t behave like he is.

This is what abusive men do, they put all the responsibility onto you.
Have a look at Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that - inside the minds of controlling men. It’s a free download.
He knows what he is doing.
You need to report him to the police or make plans to leave.
Tread carefully as the most dangerous time for women is when they know you are leaving.
Have you real family support?

This is so shocking. Yes we have only heard your side, but there is nothing that he could say that would make your side less shocking. Violence and threatened violence are NEVER OK - and can you imagine threatening to hurt someone you're meant to love?

This man is a threat to you - his threats and actions so far show that he is vile, abusive, bullying and he's gaslighting you so you question who's right. Believe me - you are not in the wrong. He does this intentionally. He knows he is messing with you. He wants to scare you. He wants you to question your sanity. He does it for sport. He wants you to believe noone else would want you, so you don't leave him.

PLEASE LEAVE. He will get ever more violent, You might not survive one of his outburts. But even if he wasn't violent, his vile behaviour is enough to know he does not love you. He doesn't even like you. He'll be nice sometimes to keep you in your place, and to make you question yourself (because if he was 100% vile he knows you would leave).

Remember you have good relationships with everyone else in your life. Remember he started that ridiculous arguement while you were just happily cleaning? He is the one with the problem. You need to walk away for your safety and your sanity.

There is a much better life waiting for you. My very best wishes. Take care of yourself.

It ended up with him screaming at me and punching walls calling me names

NOTHING you do or don’t do merits this. He is not a good person. Please find an escape route and get the hell out of there.

@Summerof74

Hello I have e mailed women's aid this morning. We just had another argument and he threatened to smack my face through the wall! He said I will be a lonely old woman as I have to many issues and am like a robot apparently he is leaving me. Bharat mini meltdown. He said I am not supportive, selfish etc

Just reread through all your replies and they all say the same but you are just getting my side of the story. I am just so confused!!

He is violent. There is no other side.

I hope he does leave you. That would save you the trouble!

So you did some cleaning.
He got annoyed with you for rushing around, what's it got to do with him how fast you clean?
He got annoyed with yoh for talking fast...what?
He got annoyed with you for being busy even though you were tired a few days ago...which is completely normal
He then got aggressive and violent by screaming and punching a wall. Because you cleaned.
So even though all you did was clean, and he picked your behaviour ans actions apart and criticised everything, and got aggressive, you're the one with the issue.

Can you see how crazy that sounds?
Unless you were screaming at him and waking him up from his sick bed to clean his sheets while he was still in them, he is a nasty abusive bully

If he threatens you again, please ring 999 and tell them your abusive husband has just threatened you and you are scared.

OP, it's definitely not you.

Yes people can be hormonal and have personality changes or act differently than usual but the same people also remember that and they are aware of how they are acting
If for example you were rushing all of your sentences then hormones wouldn't make you think you weren't.
You also wouldn't suffer memory loss or anything like that so you'd remember if you did something.

Women who are hormonal and act awful when they are hormonal are fully aware of how they have acted! There is no confusion.

He's physically and emotionally abusive. If you were hormonal or if you weren't hormonal that doesn't change the fact that he's physically and emotionally abusive.

Please please please leave this relationship, it is incredibly dangerous, not just physically but also mentally.

It's without a doubt gaslighting and it's already caused some damage, that's clear, it will only get worse if you stay.

@Summerof74

Your hormones can obviously affect your mood and how 'irritable' you are, but they CANNOT

Take you by the throat and headbutt you.
Put holes in walls.
Scream abuse at you.
Threaten to smack your face through a wall.

You being 'hormonal' or 'irritable' does NOT mean that you somehow develop superhuman powers which enable you to force someone else to do these horrific things to you either !

He CHOOSES to physically assault you.
He CHOOSES to violently punch walls.
He CHOOSES to threaten you with violence.
He CHOOSES to scream abuse at you.
He CHOOSES to put his hands round your neck.
He CHOOSES to headbutt you.

At what point do you think he'll CHOOSE to become a caring, thoughtful, loving husband ?

You need to get away from this 'man' asap, and as safely as possible.

Do you have anyone in RL who knows what happens at home ?
A neighbour you can confide in ? (at least so they can listen out in case you need help quickly ?)
Do you have family or friends you could stay with ?
Do you have access to money ?

Do not confront him, as he's clearly very dangerous, and you need protection.

Phone Womens Aid for advice, and let them help you leave asap.

I just can across this website and I'm so happy I did!! I need help with this. I already know that my husband is a gaslighter but ever since I went through menopause everything that happens is my fault even when I know it's not! If we get into an argument he blames it on that! Tells me he has no idea where my brain went, or he will tell me I did something great and then complain about something I did wrong. I'm tired of hearing it's because of what you're going through. I always have an attitude, I'm just nasty...blah blah
I'm gonna pull my hair out ( it's already, thanks menopause) he doesn't communicate he cuts me off constantly and has been everywhere and knows everything!! I know it's not menopause it's him. I come home in a great mood to him om not.
What do you guys think?

You need to start your own thread, it will get lost on this one

How do I do that, lol