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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Going insane

108 replies

kazbag007 · 13/07/2021 08:45

Help.
I feel like I’m going mad.
I feel like I don’t know what to think anymore.

I have 3 children. 2 grown up daughters and a teen boy. I’ve been with my hubby 18 years and my daughters are from my previous marriage.

My husband does things that are driving me insane. An example of that is if there is two slices of cake left - one is tiny and one is big. He will snatch the big one for himself. Where as I would be the one to give the big one away. He does those kind of things and I feel myself hating him. Resenting him.
We go out and he is rude to people, when he drives he doesn’t let people out and will stop in front of their car blocking them in the street rather than let them pull out in front of us… I find it such a turn off.

When I say something to him he tells me I’m always calling him names. He will reply and say ‘oh you’re picking on me again are you? Do I pick on you?’
it makes me then think… is this me? Should I be saying anything.

He wakes me up on my days off work at like 6am and says ‘if I’m up you’re up’ and makes out hes joking, but he wakes me up! I would let him have a lie in!

I couldn’t find my bank card the other day and he said ‘oh that was on the kitchen floor the other day’ so I said ‘if you saw my bank card on the kitchen floor why didn’t you pick it up for me?’ He replied ‘why do you always have to start?!!’ I shut up. He didn’t speak to me for ages.

We go out and he’s rude to people all the time. Someone is slow on a til and he tells them! If he sees someone doing something wrong like breaking covid rules or not socially distancing he will comment loudly ‘what happened to being socially distant’
if I say ‘shhhh’ he will reply ‘you picking on me again?’

The other day he ate the last two slices of bread, yes I know that it sounds pathetic but he could have asked if I wanted one.
when I pointed that out he flew in a fit of rage about how I’m a nightmare to live with and I pick on him all the time.

I question myself all the time. Is it me?
he says I’m a bully. Should I keep my gob shut? After all what am I gaining by opening it!

The other week he left his wallet home and told me to watch it for him. I counted the contents as we have a teenage son. And to be honest cos he is how he is, I wanted to know how much was in it so that way if he said any went missing I would know.
low and behold he woke me up at 6am accusing me of taking £100 out his wallet.
I didn’t. I even wrote down on a bit of paper the amount that was in there so I would know.
-now he keeps his wallet in a locked tin and the key on his key ring. He makes me feel like *** all the time.

He says things to me in such a way and I react to them and then he comes back at me saying ‘here we go again - name calling’

All the above incidents happened within the past week only. I’ve had months of this - years of it.

I feel like at the moment he is doing what he likes and it doesn’t matter how his actions make me feel - but I say something and he turns it on me like I’m some kind of unstable insane wife.

It’s getting to me so much I am thinking of leaving but I can’t afford to live alone. I only work part time and rents are crazy high.

I just don’t even know anymore :-(

OP posts:
EileenGC · 13/07/2021 08:51

It's definitely not you. He doesn't sound very nice, or like he has any social awareness or knows how to be respectful of other people.

Can you increase your hours? My main worry would be your teenage son learning this behaviour and thinking it's normal. He will then replicate it in his on family, and that's definitely something that needs to be avoided.

frozendaisy · 13/07/2021 08:53

God he sounds awful.

Can you look for full time work and then a plan to leave?

In the meantime accept he will wake you up, eat what he likes, keep his wallet in a locked tin (very weird) and avoid being out in public with him as much as possible.

If you are married and own a house you can get half that equity which might help your housing.

Rosewaitcarpark · 13/07/2021 08:54

How old is he? Has he always been like this?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2021 08:57

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your mother treated like this by your father?. What example did they show you?.

Re your marriage its not you, its him. He sounds utterly dreadful as a person not just to say abusive towards you as well. Its not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way.

No obstacle is ultimately insurmountable and I would think your adult children and teenager wonder why you are still with this man at all. Its
a question you should ask yourself; high rental costs are no reason for you to stay with him. They have seen you put him before yourself an awful lot. Your teenage son is living with you, what is he seeing at home?. He is seeing his dad bully, abuse and otherwise denigrate you as his mother; what is he learning about relationships here?. Is this really the model you want to be showing him and for him to potentially learn that yes, this is how women should be treated?. Abusive men treat women like you are. He is still trying to break you down and you need to set yourself free. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You have a choice re this man and your son does not. Make a better life for yourself and your son without this man in it day to day; your son will not thank you either for remaining with his dad. You are married to this man and therefore have rights in law; you will get a financial settlement from a divorce. I would urge you to make an appointment to see a Solicitor asap and start divorce proceedings. I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid as they also have a chat facility. The more info you have the better as knowledge here is power.

Kazbag007 · 13/07/2021 08:59

We moved into his mums house 3 years ago when his mum went into a care home. We can’t sell the house or it would be taken by the council, he owns 50 % which is why they can’t force the sale.
So no equity and I’m stuck. My son has special needs so I have to work part time as he cannot attend a mainstream school. I work on the days he goes to college you see.
I need a lottery win.
Im glad you’ve replied. I genuinely think he’s sending me round the twist. I have been questioning myself about whether Im wrong for saying something- whether I’m the one causing problems…
I know his behaviour isn’t right cos my gut tells me that x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2021 09:02

You need a divorce.

No obstacle to leaving is insurmountable and ultimately you are not stuck. Find out exactly what the position is regarding the property from a Solicitor and work on facts, not supposition or on anything your H tells you.

Who owns the other 50% of the property?.

Cleverpolly3 · 13/07/2021 09:03

He’s the problem
Not you

Kazbag007 · 13/07/2021 09:04

@AttilaTheMeerkat
You are right - thank you. Thank you for backing my gut feelings up. I know I need to get out, but I do feel trapped - see the message above about my personal circumstances.
If I thought he would leave - then that would be great but I don’t think he would. He would be selfish and awkward and do what’s right for him.
I’ve had enough of everything. He is just winding me up constantly and I feel I can’t react to anything for fear of upsetting him.. and I know that isn’t right cos he’s not considering me when he acts like that.

OP posts:
Kazbag007 · 13/07/2021 09:04

@Cleverpolly3 thank you x

OP posts:
Kazbag007 · 13/07/2021 09:05

@AttilaTheMeerkat
His mother owns the other 50%

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 13/07/2021 09:08

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? well quite 08:57AttilaTheMeerkat As you mention on practically every thread you answer.

OP he's a bully, plain and simple. Do you want your son to be like this? Because he's learning that men can treat women like crap and women just take it.

Kazbag007 · 13/07/2021 09:11

@Rosewaitcarpark
I don’t even know if he’s always been like this and I’ve been blind!!!! My eldest daughter says he has and she isn’t a big fan, but he’s done a lot for her so she sees the good in him too…
I don’t really discuss my relationship with them as I don’t want them to be swayed by my opinions either way.

OP posts:
Kazbag007 · 13/07/2021 09:18

@pinkyredrose

No of course I don’t. I think my son is oblivious to what my DH does as he doesn’t do it out in the open.

Sometimes all my son sees is me ‘being upset over nothing’ or me ‘being a bully’ to his dad cos of how things take place. My son is more likely to think I’m the abuser than my husband, if you get me.

Either way it’s wrong and you’re right he shouldn’t be in this at all. He would be better off out of it x

OP posts:
Kazbag007 · 13/07/2021 09:19

And my dad was controlling - which is weird cos I always said I’d never be with someone like my dad. I hated how he treated my mum and I used to stand up to him for her growing up.
How has this even happened?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/07/2021 09:47

He sounds like an absolute horror.

End of.

No wonder you feel like you are going mad as living with such an ugly person for so long must be hell.

Stop wondering about it and start actively looking at your options to get away.

Call Woman's aid for advice too.
Flowers

Kazbag007 · 13/07/2021 09:55

@billy1966

It’s just become normal for me.
I even find myself making excuses for him.
What am I even doing ?!

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 13/07/2021 09:57

"What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?" well quite 08:57AttilaTheMeerkat As you mention on practically every thread you answer

Well yes, she does, but it is a very valid question, and one that often bears exploring for what lies beneath the surface.

I thought my parents were good people, and in many ways they were. But until I got counselling, it never occurred to me that, despite the fact that they seemed to care for me, they never thought about what I wanted or needed. My childhood was very deprived, both emotionally and in terms of not allowing me to explore the world and expand my horizons. I was pushed into an education and a profession that did not suit me and my life was diminished as a result. I never learnt about relationships.... - well I did in the end, but no thanks to them and it cost me a great deal.

So, that's my answer. Though I'd be interested to hear @AttilaTheMeerkat''s take on it as well Wink

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2021 10:06

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what they teach us is often replicated in our own adult relationships. It’s a valid question to ask and I note without much surprise that OPs father was controlling too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2021 10:08

And your son is not oblivious to what is happening at home. He has seen and is aware of far more than you perhaps care to realise. He also sees your reactions both spoken and unspoken to your Hs abuse of you

EKGEMS · 13/07/2021 10:50

He should be kept in a cage and fed with a stick! I'd rather sleep on a park bench than live with him

billy1966 · 13/07/2021 11:17

@AttilaTheMeerkat is correct and I find her advice bang on the money in these matters.

The environment you grow up in never leaves you.

This is why a happy healthy marriage is such a gift to children.

It is only when they are well into adulthood they really reflect on the blessing it was, having carried it lightly with them in life.

Growing up in a toxic marriage is a heavy weight that is never fully shaken off.

Fustyoldface · 13/07/2021 11:46

This is bloody awful op! He's a gaslighting shit of a bully!! Please leave this awful man.

Kazbag007 · 13/07/2021 11:50

Yes I agree. Thank you all for helping me get clarity.

Today I've applied for a couple of rental properties to see if I can do it alone on my wage...

I will have to borrow some money off my parents and sell my car to get my debts repaid so I can afford to live - but I think there is a way. The material things aren't important really. My sanity is and my son is my priority.

I want him to feel happy and free - and enjoy being at home. It dawned on me when @AttilaTheMeerkat said that my son isn't oblivious- actually he's probably not. He stays in his room because he is happiest out the way.. like I did as a teen...

A lot to think about - but I'm going to do this.
Thank you all for making me look at this as widely as I need to!

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 13/07/2021 12:03

I question myself all the time. Is it me

This is the part of the problem that you need to change. What you're looking for is validation. You need somebody to tell you that it's ok to have your feelings. It is ALWAYS ok to have your feelings. They are who you are. They are the real you. They are the heart of you. Honour them with respect.

So:

You feel like he's driving you insane: that's because he's driving you insane, not because you have a fault and are driven insane too easily.
He says you're name calling: that's because he thinks you're name calling, not because you are name calling.
He says that you pick on him: that's because he thinks you pick on him, not because you pick on him.

A trick for you:

When he says you are x, y, or z, have a think about whether that's something that you often get called in your daily life. Have your relatives/friends/colleagues pointed out that you may have issues with being a bit x, y, or z? If not, you're looking at one solitary isolated opinion of you. And he might be your husband, but that doesn't mean he gets to tell you who you are, regardless of what you think, and what your other nearest and dearest think.

bigbaggyeyes · 13/07/2021 12:50

If I thought he would leave - then that would be great but I don’t think he would. He would be selfish and awkward and do what’s right for him

He's selfish and awkward now so you might as well plough through and leave, at least you'll be free and happy once it's done

Also have a look on entitled.co.uk, if you're in the uk you might find that you're entitled to benefits plus you can claim child maint via the cms from your dh