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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be upset by this?

36 replies

Naaaaah · 12/07/2021 23:51

Partner is going to a sporting event next week with friends. it's been booked for ages. no issue with this. He then drops into conversation that his adult son is going with him too. He said it in a cagey way for some reason and then said his sons fiance was also going. I wasn't invited this time, although he did used to invite me but our relationship isn't great at the minute, so he probably wants some time away. I didn't say anything but went a bit quiet. He said but you don't want to do this activity anyway. I asked if the fiance was doing it and he said no. So she's been invited, even though she's not participating but I've not been invited. Am I being petty or would you be upset too? He has done a few thoughtless things and I feel like I'm very low on the priority list right now in many ways.

OP posts:

Fustyoldface · 12/07/2021 23:53

No answer but my ‘partner’ is doing stuff like this do you have my sympathies feels like I am last on the list

Fustyoldface · 12/07/2021 23:53

*so

Original poster

Naaaaah · 12/07/2021 23:59

Thank you. He did say, well you can come if you want but it's hardly the same as being invited. I think back to the time when he wanted me by his side and asked me to go with him and it makes me so sad.

OP posts:

seensome · 13/07/2021 00:00

When you're not being invited and low on his list of priorities I would think it wants it to end with you. I know it's hard but you can choose to not let it get to you, do something for yourself, go out with a friend and have an even better time than with him, keep yourself busy and let him know what he's missing if he cares.

Original poster

Naaaaah · 13/07/2021 00:05

ive asked him directly if he wants us to continue and he's said yes. We've been together for years.

OP posts:

Fustyoldface · 13/07/2021 00:10

Yeah same situation for me. I’m guessing he would want me to end it and is fading me out of his life.

EKGEMS · 13/07/2021 00:18

Where did you find such princes among men? I say throw them back in the sea and let them be someone else's problem. You both deserve better

Fustyoldface · 13/07/2021 00:20

Ha if only I could say!! Everyone thinks mine is a real charmer!’

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 13/07/2021 00:25

Ask him if he would prefer you to go. Of course you CAN go. His answer will tell you a lot

Original poster

Naaaaah · 13/07/2021 00:34

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

Ask him if he would prefer you to go. Of course you CAN go. His answer will tell you a lot

If he'd have prefered me to go, he'd have asked me in the first place. He tried to not say that the fiance was coming because he knew it looked bad. He didn't lie about it but he played for time to try and dodge it.

OP posts:

userrnamemn · 13/07/2021 00:35

Yes, I would be upset by this. Perhaps the finance wasn’t initially coming, and it was just a boys trip to begin with? Would you have fun if you had been invited and went?

Original poster

Naaaaah · 13/07/2021 01:03

No idea tbh but he has a soft spot for the fiance, so he'd be pleased she was going. It's just knowing that they were all organising it, his son has wanted his fiance there but yet I'm excluded. This is just another low level thing he's done though that chips away at me.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 13/07/2021 01:19

@Naaaaah

ive asked him directly if he wants us to continue and he's said yes. We've been together for years.

this is a LIE

his behaviour tells you what you need to know and it's to exclude you ..

🌸

FlowerArranger · 13/07/2021 06:25

@Naaaaah - may I suggest you read up about sunken cost fallacy.

In what way is he your partner? Just because you've been with him for years doesn't mean you're stuck. Think about all the other 'low level things' he has done. What's the point in allowing this man to run roughshod over your feelings and subject you to things that chip away at you?

You are not powerless. You have agency in this. Rip the plaster off and focus on enriching your life with things that matter to YOU, rather than taking your self-worth from a useless man.

Nicolastuffedone · 13/07/2021 07:00

Why are you letting him decide if you continue or not? What do YOU want?

MsDogLady · 13/07/2021 07:13

Naaaaah, you deserve an equal, mutually respectful relationship, but this man is devaluing and marginalizing you. He may claim to want to continue, but his actions actually reflect disengagement and underinvestment. I would move on.

billy1966 · 13/07/2021 10:52

Of course it would upset anyone with a grain of self respect.

He is using you for convenience.
He will move on when someone else comes along.
Until such time he will use you.

What are your living arrangements?
Do you do everything?
How and who pays pays for what?

You are in a waiting game.
He will stay if it suits him but you would be very silly to depend on him long term.

Gather up your self respect and look at your options.

Clearly you are not a priority and you know.

Don't ignore your gut.
You deserve better.

Original poster

Naaaaah · 13/07/2021 12:09

I just feel so deflated by it all. I would never exclude anyone. it's such a hurtful thing to do to anyone, let alone your own partner. I can't raise anything with him though as he will just explode and say that I'm blaming him for everything.

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 13/07/2021 12:15

@Naaaaah

You need to think about what you want for your future. Do you want to continue a life with this man who has such little regard for you? If you can imagine a life free of him where you can do what you want and not be hurt by him, then maybe you should strive for that. He doesn't get to explode and blame you if you decide to separate. That will be your decision and he just has to suck it up. So don't ask him if he wants to leave, make the decision based on what you want. I think I know what I'd be leaning towards.

starrynight87 · 13/07/2021 12:49

Would you really have gone, or wanted to go?

Is the fiancee interested in the game?

Yellow85 · 13/07/2021 12:58

Do you know if the fiancé was actually invited and by whom? I know a lot of folks that would invite themselves along assuming it’s a couple thing.

Original poster

Naaaaah · 13/07/2021 14:02

@starrynight87

Would you really have gone, or wanted to go?

Is the fiancee interested in the game?

No, I wouldn't have gone. I can't stand his mates. No, she's not that interested but she's been invited anyway. Not sure by exactly who.

OP posts:

Lexocet · 13/07/2021 14:06

I would be very concerned by this. Not saying it is in your case, but being excluded is one of the earliest signs of someone beginning to check out of a primary relationship.

IamThrough · 13/07/2021 14:22

ON the one hand - you say you wouldn't have enjoyed going as you don't like his mates. He probably knows this so that would be why he didn't invite you.

On the other hand:
I can't raise anything with him though as he will just explode and say that I'm blaming him for everything.
This is Gaslighting. Does he do this often?

Is this boys night away a frequent occurrence? Do you do other things as a couple? Do you spend time doing your own activities also? How would he react if you arranged a girls weekend away and didn't invite him?

Original poster

Naaaaah · 13/07/2021 14:49

No, boys night away not that often. Several times a year. No issue with it at all. Yes we do things as a couple. Yes I spend time doing my own thing. He wouldn't mind in the slightest if I went away. He certainly wouldn't expect to be invited.

Gaslighting is a particular strength of his.

OP posts:

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