No interest in intimacy after child

[KateEC91]

Hi,
I was wondering if anyone has had the same experience as me and things turned out ok.
My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years, very happy, have a 16 month old. I breastfed for 3 months then went to formula, so I’m sure this isn’t a hormone thing.
I hate intimacy. I hate being touched, kissed etc... I find the lovey movies I used to like cringey at best, I’ve cried (privately) after sex because I find the whole thing gross. I could happily not have sex again, but of course realise that this is very unfair on my partner whom I care for deeply.
I’m petrified that I don’t love him anymore. We get on really well, but things have changed lots since we had our son and we get no time together now.
I have sometimes found that sex feels incredibly fake as he seems up for it all the time whereas I only feel even remotely ok with it when we have spent time together which is rare (we have been on our own without baby 4 times since his birth). Otherwise I just feel used.
For context, my partner is amazing. He works ridiculous hours all week but on weekends he lets me lay in, he’ll hoover, clean, we do things as a family, he helps with cooking. He’s the most caring and thoughtful person and I am fully aware of just how lucky I am. I wish that solved the issue.
I deep down think I feel trapped. I feel like my exciting life is now over and I’m staring at a future written out for me. Pre-baby, it would never have crossed my mind that I’d want to meet anyone else. I still don’t, but I do wonder now because everything feels so serious and grown up. I’m 30, so of course it does, but mentally I still sometimes feel 16! I wonder if I’m with the right person, if I love him enough, if I’m attracted to him enough etc. Of course, with me disliking sex, this fuels my fear of things not being as they should.
I’ve sat down and envisaged being taken on dates by celeb crushes (ridiculous I know... told you i’m mentally 16) to see if that stirred any feelings but I really couldn’t care less. I just want to be left alone but can’t bear this hurting my partner.
I would love to feel like having sex again but it feels like that person has gone. Also... the last time we were intimate my partner started ‘dirty talk’ and I nearly vommed. It just made me cringe so much. It doesn’t suit him at all and made me feel so guilty.

I absolutely adored the bones off of this man. What has happened? :(

You dont want sex anymore. That's all there is to it. Perfectly understandable after having a baby too.

It might come back somewhere down the line. It doesn't sound like it will for you and your partner though.

I think youd be wise to call time on this relationship before your kid is old enough to be distressed by the change.

You dont love him in the way a partner should anymore. And that's ok. But you need to stop making yourself have sex. No one should have sex they dont want. And you need to set him free.

It sounds like if done right he can remain a friend and the coparenting relationship can be healthy.

I think you and your partner need to start dating again. Do you have anyone in your lives who can look after your baby whilst you go away or can you schedule date nights every fortnight or something?

It sounds like you have a great partner so it may be worth you both putting in more effort to reignite the spark.

Do you have anyone that will have your baby sometimes so that you can spend time with just your partner? Time to go to a restaurant or the cinema etc.

It sounds like it’s dead. You shouldn’t have sex you don’t want. He shouldn’t be forced into celibacy.

Call it a day and hopefully you can coparent your son in an amicable way.

I totally disagree that you need to "call time" on your relationship, it sounds like you have a great partner whom you love very much and just need a bit of help getting back into the swing of things. Would you consider seeing a relationship therapist who might be able to help?

I had this exact same thing recently after our baby, although he is a bit younger than yours. My partner is great like yours too.
I wrote a bullet pointed list on my phone of every reason I could think of of why I didn’t want sex. Some were the usual “I don’t feel sexy” others were more harsh like “I hate kissing you as I feel it’s always going to lead to sex”, “your mess makes me resent you sometimes” etc. I instantly felt slightly better writing it down. Then when my partner next bought it up, I told him about the list and said I’d show it him if he wouldn’t take it personally.
He read it and said he finally got a lot more what I was feeling and I felt a lot better knowing he knew. I was weirdly up for sex for the first time in months a couple of weeks later

Have you made time for yourself? A bath alone and when your relaxed enough... touch yourself.

Body's are cars if you don't use them the seize up and don't run as well.

If you want to enjoy sex with you partner again it's worth a try but if you can't get past the ick and don't want to do it absolutely DON'T. No one should feel it's their duty

I felt like this for a year after my DD, it's because she was always touching me and needed me and I wanted to be alone and untouched at the end of the day. Your body feels 'useful' to your baby and your partner but not your own, it's changed and so have you. You need to love your body again

After having both my children I never felt like having sex at all when they were/are little. My little one is under two and I don’t think I’ll want to for at least a year if not longer. I’m still in my baby bubble and I just want to focus on him and lovely baby kisses and cuddles and when he’s in bed just chill out. The difference is that I’m a single parent so it works out great for me. Your partner sounds better than 95% of men I’ve heard of so I would suggest making a lot of effort before giving up. Go out once a month, even if you have to pay for a babysitter and do special things to reconnect. Once your child is older you might be lonely and regret not making an effort.

I felt the same until my little one was about 1. Kept thinking I should leave him, even though he was wonderful. I honestly think I so exhausted and touched out by lo I couldn't deal with anything more and found the idea of touching and sex a big no. I really did think we were over, then when things got a bit easier with lo and we had a bit more breathing time it all suddenly clicked back into place. Thing's obviously aren't wild pre child sex but I'm enjoying it and feel close to my husband again. Sometimes things take time unfortunately

@otterbaby thank you, I don’t want to throw the towel in although I understand why some posters would say that. However if that was the case, I wouldn’t be asking for help, I would probably not want to put any effort in at all!
I’ve been hoping things would right themselves eventually when I go back to working in the office( stuck indoors working whilst caring for my baby with family currently) and my world stops feeling so small.
I hadn’t considered therapy actually but I really appreciate that, it could be just what we need instead of me brushing things under the carpet. Thank you xx

@Piccalily19 thank you, thats such a great idea. I do feel myself feeling resentful and irritated by little things (cleaning the bathrooms to see them littered with beard hair 30 seconds later and no attempt to clean up after himself!!!!) and maybe these all just build up. Thank you, I’m going to try this. I fear so much of it is mental and that the more this panics me, the worse it could get. I’m overthinking it for sure. I also avoid kissing as I fear it will lead to sex.

@bluemoon13 thank you, it’s absolutely that. I just want to feel close again. I feel like im living with my best friend but sex makes me feel disrespected and uncared for. Its like im just fulfilling his needs. My fear is that even certain words make me cringe into my skin. I cant bear when he says ‘can i have a cuddle’ and I don’t understand why. I think any romantic or ‘intimate’ words just make me feel gross because ive built up such a huge fear of sex. Thanks for your response x

@KateEC91 I have also recently had a baby, this is how I feel, that im living with my best friend but scared to have a cuddle or a kiss as it could lead to sex, I didn't have sex for 6 months of pregnancy due to bleeding, I don't know what to do about it either

I think its the effect of the residual Christian ethic that still circulates and finds its way into our thinking. I was similarly disinterested and even disgusted at the thought of it for at least a year. Hormones may also play a part. Then you add to this that most women's sense of identity is increasingly tied to work, success, money, independence and sense of achieving, freedom, outward appearance then its easy to see how this happens.

For me I had to start to see myself as someone and something beyond being 'mother'

Its often said that some men have a Madonna whore complex, its seldom acknowledged that this religious misogynist ideology also can be assimilated into how women see themselves.

Question: are you on contraception? Contraception makes some women lose libido. Pill was bad for me but Mirena coil seems ok :)

Some good points here already but I just wanted to add, it’s very important to accept the lack of sex drive being perfectly normal. It’s
natural - it’s nature’s way to stop you from being continuously pregnant (nature doesn’t know we’ve invented contraception!). We’re not the only species this happens to, so please don’t be hard on yourself because of it.

@otterbaby

I totally disagree that you need to "call time" on your relationship, it sounds like you have a great partner whom you love very much and just need a bit of help getting back into the swing of things. Would you consider seeing a relationship therapist who might be able to help?

This - bloody hell people are so quick to tell people to LTB.

Agree with some PPs too, try getting a babysitter for a couple of hours every week to spend time together just the two of you

I think it is quite normal. You're touched out, you have no couple time, you just want some peace. Mums get very little time when they're not on duty when kids are little so we tend to guard it quite previously.

The list of reasons sounds good too. For me, the fact that he didn't help with housework or childcare completely killed my libido.

@Naunet thank you for the reassurance and for helping to normalise my experience. The stories ive read always point to breastfeeding being an issue but that ended 13 months ago! Do you think this is still normal 16 months down the line? I don’t have many friends with babies... so this is brand new to me.

Do you actually get anytime to yourself to do something fun for yourself? Do you do anything fun together as a couple? I felt like this for a long time after I had DC. I did get my Sex drive back along with my confidence and our relationship improved. But the biggest thing has been about carving time out for MYSELF. As soon as I started doing that it snowballed and I felt so much better.

Sounds like a case of your wishing or visioning 'the grass is grenner on the other side'

I also have a fear of being pregnant again and I refused to have PIV sex for a long time because of this.

My daughter is nearly 3 and my sex drive has only just come back. I felt like you for a long time and didn't even want dh to touch me. I'd just give it time, that's what I did. I made an effort once a month to keep him happy. He didn't force it or anything like that, but I was aware that I should try and compromise to an extent, as I did want things to work between us. The past few months now I've felt as if something has switched in me and I actively want to be intimate with him.

[quote KateEC91]@Naunet thank you for the reassurance and for helping to normalise my experience. The stories ive read always point to breastfeeding being an issue but that ended 13 months ago! Do you think this is still normal 16 months down the line? I don’t have many friends with babies... so this is brand new to me.[/quote]
I think it really helps to look at it from an evolution point of view as it takes the emotion and guilt out of it.
A 16 month old depends heavily on mum, so it makes sense that it wouldn’t be smart (in evolutionary terms) to get pregnant again at that point. With that in mind, it seems perfectly reasonable that you would still be off sex. Bonobos, for example are our nearest cousins. Their pregnancies last for 8 months and they on average will get pregnant once every 4-6 years, so safe to say they go off it for longer than 16 months! 😄

Our culture puts us under a lot of pressure to have sex quickly after birth, and whilst sex is important, so is listening to our bodies and what we need.

With the benefit of hindsight I know that what you have said OP is exactly 100% how I feel now, and I have for years, but its 9 years since my eldest was born. It kicked in after I had my first, for the exact reasons everyone is saying after having a child. Unfortunately, for me those feelings never went away and I believe this was due to my ongoing, never ending resentment of having to take the load for the family, house, childcare, basically everything. In the end I never got back to pre child libido and it drove my soon to be ex DH to affairs. I didn't have a great equal partner to start with so nothing was saving my marriage in the end but I let it go on for years and I shouldn't have. It sounds like you've got a great partner there so worth trying anything to restore your great relationship.

All the best.