Hand hold and help please

[Lostinsurburbia]

What should I do? Married for 18 years 3 boys, 17,17 and 13. Eldest 2 I. The middle of A levels. I’ve been wanting to leave for a year. Husband is distant, sleeps on the sofa, no sex for over 3 years. In the past he’s been on chat rooms with other women, confronted him and he denies it. I’ve found evidence that he dresses as a woman when I’m not here. Won’t talk about it. I’m utterly miserable, find myself getting crushes on other men, never act on it. My problem is that I gave up a good career to look after the children so I’m financially dependent and I’m worried that leaving will ruin the boys chances of getting good A levels. They want to go to university. I’m in such a mess and so unhappy, what can I do ?

I would use the next year to get myself ready for leaving (post a levels of 17 year olds). Do courses / retrain / sign up to OU / apply for jobs etc. Save money so you have something to keep you for the first few tricky months. A year to plan and action all this could be really useful and I’d only leave during my children’s a levels if there was abuse.

Thanks that’s my main concern, the affect it would have upon my twins.

17 year olds are quite perceptive. I'm sure they can see how unhappy you are. As the poster said above, use the next year to get yourself into a better position to leave.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be very hard.

If your dh is sleeping on the sofa I'm sure all dc are painfully aware your marriage isn't a happy one?
Divorce can be tough for teens but they must already pick up on how unhappy you are op?
Do you have family or friends nearby to lean on?

@Hugsgalore @brittleheadgirl one of the twins watches us all the time. I know he’s anxious about our marriage. My husband is moody and often snaps at me and my son tries to intervene to keep the peace. It’s heartbreaking, I try not to rise to anything to keep the house a calm place but they know I’m unhappy. My trust in him has completely gone. He lies constantly about everything and gaslights me if I question anything.

@brittleheadgirl I go have a close family who know what is going on. My sister who is quite wealthy has offered to help me if I want to leave but I’m reluctant to be dependent on her.

[quote Lostinsurburbia]@brittleheadgirl I go have a close family who know what is going on. My sister who is quite wealthy has offered to help me if I want to leave but I’m reluctant to be dependent on her.[/quote]
In your shoes I would accept the help.
If my sibling was in your shoes I would help them in a heartbeat.
You say that the dc are watching you closely, they know your marriage is awful, separating asap is surely kinder than living in such a toxic environment?

Relationships are meant to make your life happier op. So what's the point of him?

Your kids would be much happier if their mum would tell their dad that he is being an asshole and needs to fuck off. I'd bet they'd punch the air in glee when you finally do it.

It would actually be wise to sit them down and say 'look, your dad isnt nice me, so I'm leaving him'. That's a lesson all men should learn, that they dont get to treat women badly and have them stay.

My worry is thankyou tolerating this shit for so long has made them think their fathers nastiness to a woman is normal and acceptable.

Money wise you can sign on. There may also be other money you are entitled to (eg: for the kids). Start looking into it. Your 17 year olds are also old enough to earn and contribute to the home if needs be. If the house is owned then it could be sold and downsized to free you and to free up some cash.

Time to start taking steps. Whilst you can still be a positive role model to your children about how women should be treated. Heck, how partners should be treated. As I'm very worried that the child you have that constantly tries to mediate between you and your husband will go on to find himself in abusive relationships in future. Because he thinks this shit is normal.

@Umberellatheweatha I know, I’m normalising terrible behaviour from him to the children. My youngest stays in his room most of the time, doesn’t seem to like his dad. My other twin the same, often calls him an idiot and unreasonable. We own the house outright, I bought it with inheritance money. I know he won’t let me have it. He’ll be nasty and bitter. His mum left his dad when he was 17 and he calls her terrible things dispite the fact that his dad was awful. It’s history repeating itself. I can’t go back to my old job. I was a detective but I have bad anxiety now, as a result of my husbands behaviour I think over the years. To the outside world I’m confident and happy but at home I’m utterly miserable.

He can't not let you have the house though op. That's not how divorce works. You'll be entitled to your share.

Sit your boys down then and talk with them. 'I'm thinking if leaving your dad. I'd really like your support in this decision. He doesnt treat me right and that's not ok. So I think it's time to draw a line under this chapter in our lives. How do you guys feel about that?'

And then just listen.

Reassure them that you'll have their back no.matter what but remind them that a man must never treat a women the way their dad treats you. And that as a result you have to leave. And that they need to be mature and respect that decision.

You may also find that your anxiety dissipates once he is gone and you start to feel the desire to work again. In the mean time, a note from your doctor about your anxiety would be useful for the job centre folks.

You can absolutely do this op. I mean you were a detective, that's amazing. Very few ppl would be smart and strong enough to do that kind of work. You've already done that. So you could do anything. Once you feel better at least. And you will, once he is gone and you can find that smart, strong woman again.

@Umberellatheweatha thank you 😊 you’re saying what I’m thinking. I actually think the twins would be ok, so long as he doesn’t turn nasty and bad mouth me to them. His reaction is what I fear. He is unhappy too but won’t admit it. I’ve said to him several times in the midst of arguing that we should separate and that we don’t make each other happy and he tells me not to be ridiculous. Makes out that I’m hysterical, which I’m not. Most of the time I’m very calm and ignore his behaviour.

i wouldnt wait one more year. i would be very ill at the end. not healthy.

There will never "be a right time"

It will be Alevels, uni, Christmas, someone's birthday etc

You all sound unhappy

Be brave & start the divorce process

@M1rror7ImageL I know, before this it was GCSEs, next it’ll be not wanting to unsettle then start university and my youngest GCSEs. You’re right I’ve sat in the fence miserably long enough. Time passes and nothing changes. I need to be brave.

FWIW my brother was the same age as your twins when my dad left. He didn't let it affect his exams. In fact he says now that the reduction of atmosphere and tension in the house made it a lot easier for him to concentrate on his exams.

We all knew what was going on no matter how hard our parents tried to hide things from us. We still picked up on the tension, the whispered arguments, dad disappearing for long drives to avoid us.

As PP have said there will never be a good time. If I was in your shoes I would concentrate on getting myself as financially independent of him as I could. I would then be asking him to leave.

This is a perfect opportunity to show your children that adults have agency and choice. Something's are more important than grades and that will be a great lesson for them to learn before they go to university.

You say you own the house outright and that you bought it with your inheritance money.

Therefore, pack his bags and boot him out.

Show your boys that the way their father behaves is not acceptable. Don't let them go into adulthood thinking this kind of relationship is normal.

You shouldn't stay with a man who cyberflirts with other women, and the cross-dressing thing? That would be a deal breaker for most people.

@EmmalineC his names on the deeds unfortunately but I could try. The cross dressing destroyed me. It has been done under a camouflage of lies and deceit. Pretending he was buying me gifts that he sent back when I saw payments to ladies clothes shops. He has a secret e mail as well.

@EmmalineC @MeanMrMustardSeed*@Hugsgalore @Umberellatheweatha*
@Dobbyafreeelf @brittleheadgirl @M1rror7ImageL
Thanks for your advice, I have a holiday booked at the end of July, will go on that so the children can get away and then ask for a separation.

OP,
Get advice from a solicitor.

Accept your sister's offer of help, why wouldn't you? She loves you.

Your boys will be better away from him.

Tell him that if he gives you ANY guff that you are going to leave anyway and you will tell EVERYONE that it is because he likes to dress up in womens clothing.

I know some might say that is nasty but who cares.

He is nasty and you want your relationship over.

Your boys will be happier away from the awful atmosphere and his unpleasantness.

Fight dirty and get him out, using whatever means necessary.

@billy1966 thanks, I have a job interview tomorrow. If I get it that’s I I’m off. Life is too short for this crap.

I think the advice to avoid the disruption of separation/divorce during critical years of children's education is only true in certain circumstances.

I remember a friend from school whose parents suddenly and acrimoniously split just before our GCSEs. Up until that point she had had absolutely no idea that her parents were anything other than happily married, and the impact on her was pretty devastating. It would have been much, much better if her parents could have kept a lid on it for a few months (although as her mother had discovered her 'devoted' husband had been having an affair that would have been a massive ask of her).

On the other hand, my parents had an awful marriage and our life at home was pretty miserable. I felt nothing but utter relief when my father left. I was a bit younger, but I am certain that if it had have been an exam year it would have had a positive impact, not a negative one.

Good luck with your job interview!

Just wanted to say good luck for the job interview OP. Life is indeed too short to live in a loveless, unhappy marriage. You'll never regret leaving him. Go to a solicitor and get some advice. And hoard away as much money as you can.

Best of luck with the interview.

I completely agree with @cheeseismydownfall.

An apparently happy marriage imploding is shocking but a miserable marriage finally ending is a blessing and the peace and calm of a new home will be conducive to study.

Really hope this works out for you.