I don’t want to be THAT needy DP

[Princessinthetower]

How do I stop?

My DP and I have been together seven years: began living together in lockdown which was amazing. I have loved spending more time together. Now everything is opening back up dp is back playing golf and booking every available day with his friends.
I’m feeling lonely and left out.
I have my own friends and see them regularly but not to the extent dp does.
Before living together pre lockdown we saw each other most days, had a good social life, amazing sex and had a great time.
Now sex is once a week only when I initiate.
I feel needy. And I need to change that but how.
He’s mid forties and I’m 51 if that makes a difference

Please be kind

I don't think you are being needy; that's not my idea of a good relationship, either. My DH is a golfer too (it most definitely caused problems when the DC were tiny!) but he balances spending time doing that with spending time with me.

I think he's got his feet under the table and now sees you as a fixture and fitting, no need to make any effort anymore, which is very unattractive.

Whose house is it? I wouldn't want to have to beg my DP to put me at the top of his priority list and would be looking for the exit.

Thank you.
No it’s not ideal. I spend a lot of time waiting for him.
He is a great guy in every other way but I definitely do not feel a priority in his life.
It’s his house. I have just sold mine but have my own money to buy again.
I do not depend on him financially.
I have been married before EA 25 years. Dp has never been married or lived with anyone before

Good grief I find myself in a very similar position. Like you I wonder if I am in any way still a priority for him. The answer appears to be not.

You’re not needy, you’re being treated dismissively.

I’d tell him that you’re moving out and will go back to dating as he’s taking you for granted. Otherwise you can play games and be “less available” etc to try and make him notice you again, but it sounds like you were a convenient source of entertainment while everything else was closed but now he has options you don’t make the cut

FWIW I have friends like this - we saw each other every day during lockdown when they had no other options. The minute the world opened up again I haven’t seen them for dust!!

You are not a priority, his social life is.

Start house hunting OP and start planning your life separately.

He likes his life just as it is.

Yes, move out, live alone and go back to dating. He's taking your for granted. No wonder you're lonely.

Yes I know that one op. As others have said, you’ve slipped down the list of priorities. I think you need to take your cash and buy somewhere for yourself. You’ve been put on the back burner as you’re available and he doesn’t think you’ll go anywhere. Therefore no effort on his part is required.
It’s so hard in your circumstances not to become ‘needy’ but really try not to. It won’t have the desired effect.

Oo gosh, you need to work on your independence.
Have you thought of looking for someone who wants the same as you ?

Oh dear, moving in together during lockdown has clearly given you a certain view of living together (FWIW I know a couple who have separated due to being stuck together during lockdown), but that version of living together is now changing

As others say, maybe just be less available ( difficult if your in the same house), or tell him your moving out as this version of living together isn’t working for you.

It’s not ‘needy’ to want time with your partner, in addition to separate friendships and interests, and sex.

If he’s no longer making an effort, and that doesn’t change after a frank discussion, would move out.

What are your property plans? Wouldn’t do anything re the relationship to disadvantage yourself personally, financially.

You also need a firm housing ‘plan B’ if you continue living together, as you’re living in his property.

A relationship of that duration in your 40s/50s should be about shared interests and spending time together socially outside the usual domestics of home life. You absolutely SHOULD have seperate interests and friends too, but if he’s not interested in spending a reasonable amount of time with you socially what’s the point of being with him? He’s not making you a priority at all, I could not be arsed being with someone who treated me like that as there’s be nothing in it for me, waiting at home for him to see when he can fit you into his busy schedule while washing his dirty undies , cooking his meals and cleaning his house is a pretty shit existence.

I guess you can talk to him about it and see if he cares enough to change, or put up with the domestic drudge role he’s cast you in, or move out and possibly split up.

Thank you all

I definitely don’t want to play games. I can’t be bothered with all that. It’s just too stressful. And I’m not sure he would even notice.

I think that getting my own place again is maybe what I need to do. I feel sad about that though. But I do feel lonely

Tigresswoods- great name - sorry you are going through this too

Get your own place.

Are you doing the housework & cooking?

How long has this change been happening? Because if its only in the last few weeks, especially if a lot of the social time has been around football matches, I'd think its probably pretty common - those who live together have seen too much of their partner and none of their friends, so they're now in "fill ya boots" mode.

That said, one shag a week would not be enough for me.

You will never be as lonely on your own as you would be with a man like this.

It's pretty clear he's not lived with anyone before. Most people like to do things together, not just sit at home all the time while the other person goes off doing things.

I'm glad you've got the money for a house - use it wisely.

How long has this been going on for? Have you actually discussed this with him? How has be responded after discussion?

I have to admit, after the last 18 months and spending a lot of time at home with my family, I am thoroughly enjoying being able to spend time with other people and out of the confines of my house. I know DH feels similar. We are still making time for one another and we do respond well to each other if we want to spend more time together.

He has been a member of the golf club for two years. He plays to a very high standard so competitive golf is mostly on a weekend.
Competitions have recently started up again. Social events haven’t started back yet so where I would be normally invited to the club he has just stayed after golf for drinks etc.
He also plays one night a week.
He also plays pool and supports a football team that involves going to matches.
He is self employed and generally works 3 days a week so has lots of free time for golf and friends.
I work 4 days a week and have weekends off.
Yes I have spoken to him. He doesn’t see what he is doing wrong. In fact he thinks we have the perfect relationship. I’m so easy going haha but really I’m not.
I get that he wants to be back out there enjoying life but I just feel left out because it’s so much of his time.
I want to be a priority and I’ve told him this and he says I am. His actions do not show that.
Reading back it sounds as though we aren’t compatible at all and we are but I’m struggling right now

We share cooking and housework

I see a problem with the lack of sex - which will need talking about but he goes out, so what ? There are no kids involved, he's not leaving you behind to do the childcare?

What's a reasonable amount of time he's 'allowed' to go out then people ?

What was your plan re the money from your house sale? I would now think very carefully about that.

Has there been any attempt to integrate you into his social life with his friends? I don't see why you couldn't at least join him at the golf club for drinks after the game, even if they're not having 'social events' as such.

I don't think you need to be in such a rush to end the relationship. Talk to him again and make a couple of days / evenings a night a week together. He might have also had cabin fever from lockdown.

Can you get another hobby? Or join him in one of his? Are you planning on buying a house to rent out? Maybe give it a couple of months before you make a decision.

My next door neighbour is in her sixties, married and divorced. She's retired. She has a long term boyfriend. Who is just the loveliest guy. But they don't live together. They move between each others houses and see each other most days.

They both like their own space and they find when they are together, they appreciate each other more.

Maybe it's not that your partner takes you for granted, but that he doesn't have to make a special time to see you because you're always around. Whereas before when he arranged to see you, it was all about you.

Would you be happy living in a relationship apart or do you need to be with someone all the time? Personally, two separate houses to me sounds perfect.

I really don’t want to end the relationship. Something needs to change and it might be me getting my own place again.
Long term though I know it’s not how I want to live.

I don’t know where to start with a new hobby. I’m outgoing, bubbly but I also suffer with anxiety so I feel as though my wings have been clipped somewhat. I have been really pushing myself to get back to how I was before my awful divorce but it’s challenging.

A decent partner wouldn't leave their partner in such emotional limbo as to how they feel about them.

You're not being unreasonable at all to expect your demands be met and your feelings be reciprocated. Life is too short to stick with somebody who takes you for granted and doesn't make you happy.

Any break up is sad, but time heals. You deserve to be with somebody who is excited to see you and spend time with you, who makes time to be with you and cannot wait to be intimate!

Of course intimacy can decrease over time when life gets in the way, but it should not be so stale that you are the one always initiating. Let go if you can, find yourself somebody who treats you well and don't look back, he's taking you for granted and probably knows it!