I don’t want to be THAT needy DP

[Princessinthetower]

How do I stop?

My DP and I have been together seven years: began living together in lockdown which was amazing. I have loved spending more time together. Now everything is opening back up dp is back playing golf and booking every available day with his friends.
I’m feeling lonely and left out.
I have my own friends and see them regularly but not to the extent dp does.
Before living together pre lockdown we saw each other most days, had a good social life, amazing sex and had a great time.
Now sex is once a week only when I initiate.
I feel needy. And I need to change that but how.
He’s mid forties and I’m 51 if that makes a difference

Please be kind

The problem is that you're living with someone who just wants an occasional date.

The reason you feel needy is that you do need more from this relationship.

I wouldn't cope with having FOMO with my DH if he was always out. It's all about priorities and his are sport and socialising around sport.

OP,

I think unless you play sports like golf/tennis you cannot understand the lure for people in their 40-60's.

The lure is just huge.

Those that play and enjoy it are often obsessed with it and their lives revolve around getting a round in or being on court.

Very hard to live with though because people want to socialise with those that also are obsessed.

I know of many spouses who took golf up as they knew it was self preservation to do so.

Golfers are often very selfish.
Golf takes up a lot of time and at competitive level, you really could end up feeling like a widow to it.

If he is that involved with it, I would think long and hard about spending your years hanging around waiting for the crumbs of time he is prepared to give you.

It's not that he doesn't care for you, it's just that these sports really get under your skin.

Thank you Billy1966

I get it. I really do but not sure I can survive on the crumbs

I know he cares about me

Sport is definitely under his skin. If he’s not playing it he’s watching it. I did consider taking golf up and have a set of clubs but if I’m honest I don’t want to push myself into his hobby. I’m sure he wouldn’t want me to muscle in. He hasn’t encouraged it either.

Thank you for your comments

I think you have had good advice on here, move out, start dating him again and do not be so available.

I wouldn't want to be with someoneike that either and we are a sporty family.

But I know lots of women with husbands who will play as much golf as they can without divorce being mentioned.

It doesn't lesson with age either.
They are just hooked.

I don't doubt that he cares for you but the truth is given the option of a couples activity or a round, the round will win.

It might suit some women but it certainly wouldn't suit many.

Don't make any hasty decisions. Being prevented from doing all the things you loved and then suddenly being able to do everything, can make you go a bit over the top crazy. Especially with worrying if we'll lock down again and being deprived again. Living together in lockdown just made everything more intense, being together all the time which isn't really normal.

You need to find a middle of the road. Could you make date nights with him. Arrange for meet up with friends. Book a couple of nights away. That way you can ease yourself back into the routine of doing things as a couple and get back to pre covid times, but living together.

Oh op, I feel for you. Wouldn't it be great to meet up for a coffee and chat it all out in rl? I'm in a sort of similar situ.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!!

Don't rush into buying another house if living separately long term isn't what you want from a relationship. That's just changing one 'don't want this' situation for another.

I think a lot of people are going a bit mad as things open up.

How long have things been like this for?

Personally, I'd have a very serious conversation with him, saying you understand that he's missed his friends and his hobbies, but that you're feeling like you were just a 'convenient lockdown companion' and now he's choosing other people's company all the time, you are wondering where your relationship is going and that if it's not something he wants anymore, you'll start looking for a house to buy, if it is something he wants he needs to start showing you that. Also make plans with friends and don't change them if he says he's free etc.

You mentioned the age difference, are you concerned about it? Concerned about the stability of your relationship?

It's a crap way to feel, but don't rush in to buying another house without trying to sort things out first.

Thank you for all your comments.
We have booked a long weekend away so hopefully will get a chance to talk.
A few weeks ago I suggested date night and we have been sticking to that once a week.

@Takenoprisoner

Yes, move out, live alone and go back to dating. He's taking your for granted. No wonder you're lonely.

I think this is an extreme reaction. Sit down and talk to him first. Explain your point of view.

Maybe it's a novelty to see ha friends again. It may die down.

What was your DP like before lockdown ?

It could be a bit of a pendulum swing for him - after so long not seeing people, he is catching up a lot and will ease off once their company is as familiar and normal to him as yours.

I really strongly feel at your age you need to develop a number of interests and friendships that fulfil you and not rely on a man to provide your life with meaning. That's a burden on him and if I were him I'd feel oppressed and need to escape, however much I loved you.

In your position, rather than moving out, which seems very melodramatic and a bit manipulative, I'd start a project to find an exercise or sport I love that requires a few sessions each week - wild swimming, cycling, running, bootcamps, tennis or netball team, and a new interest or social group - writing, music, acting, hiking, craft, adult ed etc. I'd also chat casually to him about some adventures you could have together now the world is opening up - a holiday or festival etc and see how enthusiastic he is.

You mention your anxiety and clipped wings - these are proof you want to work on your own freedom, happiness and sociability - you know they are damaged and deserve to be restored. You also mention not knowing where to start with a hobby. I so strongly recommend some form of exercise that you need to do at least three times a week because exercise is such a massive confidence booster. You grow fit and strong, you look and feel more youthful, your posture improves. And you don't need to make small talk - you just turn up, work out and go home. It's entirely win-win. Then once you feel more confident in yourself, because you are stronger, you can branch out and do something a bit more socially challenging.

I would buy a place as in most areas prices are rising and you don't want to be priced out.

I would also take the opportunity to get involved in something else. It's not playing games but you will appear more attractive to him if you are less available. Knowing your partner is just sitting at home waiting does create complacency. You should however do this for you, not him.

If he's the type of man that gets obsessed with sports (and we know the type) he won't change. You'll have to decide if he is right for you...would a man who has previously commited to a family life suit you more?

The lack of intimacy would be a concern because it suggests he may start to check out and it will destroy your self esteem.

You can't change him so work on yourself..perhaps you have lost yourself a little in this relationship?

I don't agree with those rushing to end this relationship.
The ending of lockdown I think is probably at play here. After so long of not being able to go out and play the sports he clearly loves it sounds like this guy is just trying to make up for lost time. I have lots of friends who are doing similar.
It sounds like you've tried to speak to him @Princessinthetower, and you mention he has agreed to once a week date nights - which is probably a good start.

What did you used to do together before Covid? Did you have a joint interest or hobby or joint social group? Maybe that has died down during the last 18 months? Maybe when the social element of his gold hobby opens back up again you will then feel more included?

I would just have another talk to him - maybe on your weekend away and gently remind him that he needs to continue making an effort. And also discuss your sex life with him. If once a week is enough for him, but not enough for you, that could be a bigger issue but I think you need to feel prioritised first.

As others have mentioned I would also think very carefully about investing the money from your house sale into another property to rent out - then if you do need to live separately again you will have that option. But that's probably amore long term plan - speak to him first I think communication is key here.

I would move out and invest your money and live alone. That's your security. You can still date at your convenience rather than accept crumbs he is throwing you
You're not needy He is thoughtless and uncaring
If you live separately it will become obvious what/ who his priorities are
If he makes more effort, good
He's taking you for granted

Thank you for all your suggestions.

I will see how the weekend away goes and chat with him

Give it a bit more time since lockdown is just ending to see if things swing back to being more balanced.