Not sure if I'm being gaslighted or treated badly

[Riggins]

Regular user gone anon for this.

Background - DH & I together 25 years this year, had a rough few years about 10 years ago put but it behind us and moved on. Since then everything seemed okay however DH always had a better social life than I with multiple male and female friends.

Anyways I was sure there was nothing in it (had been there before 11 years ago and agreed if it happened again it was over). I the nature of his business he is in contact with 100s of people and has them all on his social media and phone book. So anyways Christmas eve sitting on laptop chatting to a friend when a message popped up from (let's call her Mary - one of said friends) Mary's husband to tell me that my Dh and her were having an affair for over 3 years that he had thought was finished in September but he found some texts the night before and he reckoned DH should be pulled too. When I questioned him back for proof he wouldn't provide any saying he was working on his marriage.
So I went to her and DH, she says it was just a few silly texts he said it was absolutely nothing, she's just a friend who gets him lots of work. Then her and her partner blocked me on facebook which I thought was weird but he kept saying it was cause there was nothing in it.

Fast forward about 3/4 months and I was constantly suspicious - anyway phone never leaves is side at all, but this particularly evening it was in the kitchen so I looked and took screen shots.

Coversation between the two of them went like this :
Him : Put an order into tesco for drink and asked if she (me) wanted a bottle and she picked 6;
her: Who narky
Him: Who else
Her: greedy fucky
Him: yeah 6 bottles probably just for tonight;
Her: Hows your sexlife
Him: had to Sunday
Her Enjoy: HA HA Had Too; give over you love it;
Him: No really its a job when you don't want to:
Her: You still not fancying her so:
Him: No not at all;
Her: Ah you need a good seeing to:
Him : Know anyone :): ) :)

After I took the pictures I confronted him, where he said he was deeply sorry but it was just a joke between friends, but I don't think it's funny or approrpirate.

We have fought over it for weeks with me checking his phone.
He goes the pub every Thursday and she does be there, last Thursday I had a night out that was finishing early so told him I'd call but but didn't. He must've been terrified cos he was in foul humuour all friday too saying he didn't want me showing up in the pub making a fool of him.
Started saying I drink too much, and dragging up things we argued about 20 years ago.

I can't tell anyone about this IRL cos my closed friend has cancer and I don't want to discuss it with anyone else but I feel like I'm going mad.
He's such a charmer when out and a sulk when at home, does nothing around the house and moans constantly but everyone loves him so I'm the nightmare.

I'm not sure anyone if I'm going mad, being gaslighted or just been the laughing stock of the pair of them.

I suppose I'm just looking for people's honest opinions as the constant conversations in my head are wearing me out.

"Wondering how I can manage my job so well but my home life is a disaster"

Maybe because you're being attacked in your own home by someone that wants to keep you off balance and unable to think clearly enough to see him for what he is?

But you can see him clearly now, you can with practise build the emotional distance you need in order to get away from him.

"when he turns nasty he’s vicious but only to me"

Because he's a psychological abuser and you're his chosen victim. I'm so sorry.

"I didn’t find counselling any good before but need to find something that will work even if just to clear my head and help me sleep"

This could be because you can't heal a broken leg while someone's still kicking it, or it could be because it wasn't the right therapist for you - not every counselling relationship works out.

What you could do is talk to Women's Aid. Get some validation for how you're feeling, and maybe a recommendation for a local family solicitor with abuse experience.

But you don't have to solve everything now. You have time. You can just work on yourself for a bit - practise exercises like picturing a glass egg you step into when he's around, so he can see and hear you but everything's at more of a distance and he can't get into your head.

The anxiety and sleeplessness is a product of cognitive dissonance. You're trying to square the circle of 'he's horrible to me' 'but he says he loves me really' and you never can. Maybe he does love you in a way, maybe he actually has no idea what love is. But believe his actions - and his texts - rather than any words. He's abusing you, and you don't have to forgive him, or absolve him. You're allowed to look for peace of mind away from him.

Thank you all so much for the comments. The loan is actually a second home that we have that the bank are screaming for the money for - its been up for sale for 2 years and finally sold - once that's gone that's another noose gone because it's me that deals with the finances. Within the next 6 weeks that should be gone and mum should have her op. I can t be dealing with the pressure of the banks so need this gone.

Then I should have the space to think more clearly, that only leaves the mortgage on the family home.

It is gas because some days I feel like I imagine it all, but then he'd turn and say something or 2 weeks ago on the thursday i was walking by the pub with my youngest son and seen her, when I got home I remarked oh I seen your friend in the pub, he jumped then and was like so I'm not to go out with the boys anymore then - I can't control whose in the pub but yeah I am begining to wonder what other conversations they had.

My job is so busy and stressful that I haven't had a week off since July 2019 so didn't have time to let any of this sink in. The christmas eve incident he was adamant was innocent after all she confirmed it was just a few silly texts and her husband blocked me on facebook when I pushed for information. I thought that was strange too.

Where I'm from I won't be able to afford to move, but I can get some of my self respect back, we can co-exist in the same house, he works long hours so is not there a lot and Im an early riser early to bed. Just need to work out the logistics - My children being my priority and my parents who only live a few doors away.

You have no idea how much it has helped to say it all on here though, cos I was begining to feel like I was going mad so thank you all

Are you both named as owners of the house on the mortgage? If you think you can make cohabiting work you need to make sure your finances are straight so there's no taking advantage. Once you have space to think about it all. It sounds awful that your options are limited in terms of a clean break. Based on how you describe him in not confident he'll make a good house mate

At least your parents are chose by so you and the kids have a space you can escape if tensions are high

OP what strikes me reading this is how together you are in your professional versus private life, proving - if you needed proof - that it's really not you, it's him.

I understand that you don't want to make any hasty decisions until you've got over a few urgent matters, that's fine you don't need to do things at a speed that suits this thread.

But in the interim you could get back some of your self esteem in the home. If DC leave dishes call them out on it. Is there a spare bedroom you could move to ?

Well, he wouldn't be "having to" have sex with me after that particular message. Ever. Apart from getting your ducks in a row, and moving him/ you into the spare room if that's possible, don't actually do anything concrete just yet. See a lawyer and maybe a counsellor too. You're understandably shocked and hurt, you've also got a lot on your plate elsewhere, and that's not a good mindset to be in whilst making life changing decisions.

Haven't read full thread but from that OP alone Jesus wept get rid and fast.
Chumplady.com

My god, OP those messages are horrendous. I couldn't ever spend another second with my DP if he ever wrote that about me.

And it isn't a joke! Were you laughing? NO, then its not a joke. And if he finds insulting you funny, then he is a pig.

He is an ignorant piece of crap and you need well rid of him. I am so angry on your behalf. I mean, how dare he?

Tell him you want him gone. If he refuses to leave, I suggest you make life as difficult for him as you possibly can. Stop doing ANYTHING for him. Nothing at all. No cooking, no laundry, no buying stuff for him. I get that will be difficult, but just tell him you've had enough of his 'jokes' and you no longer want anything more to do with him.
Then get a lawyer, get your stuff in order and start proceedings.

And show your friends those messages. They will no longer 'love him', believe me.

He is basically making a fool of you and you need to start fighting back and make him look a fool because in this situation absolutely no-one worth their salt is going to blame you or side with him. He is the one doing all this and you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about and there is zero blame laying at your feet.

Hell, get your friends together and go in the damn pub when he's there with her, and make a bloody scene if you want to. I bet there are a fair few of his mates who would be secretly thinking, yeah he deserves that the twat.

You put it perfectly in one sentence ‘I’m too old for these game’. Trying to work out what’s going on, reading shitty messages... you don’t have to live like that, nor should you have to. You will spend the rest of your life caught up in all this bollocks. He’s playing a game that you don’t know the rules to. It’s easy to say LTB but you’ve got a choice here- either stay and continue to try and work out his stupid games or leave. 25 years is a long time but 25 more is even longer

DO NOT DELETE THE SCREENSHOTS. He wants you to do this so he can convince you that you imagined them, and so that you don't have any evidence to show other people. You said your friends wouldn't believe you if you told them what he was like - so show some of them the screenshots, and the message saying that your husband has been having an affair for 3 years.

Anyway, what other people think isn't important. It's what you know that is important.. the facts. And the fact is that your husband has had a long-standing affair, is still seeing the woman in some capacity, is in touch with her, and has told her that he isn't happy with you and has to force himself to have sex with you as he doesn't fancy you.

His excuse that that was a joke - in what way was it supposed to be funny? Does he think it's appropriate to joke with members of the opposite sex about not fancying his wife?

He is acting as though he doesn't even like you. Your life will be so much better without this man in it. And your DC will stand a chance of growing up and having healthy relationships if they don't have to grow up seeing this dynamic playing out.

Stop providing the benefits of having a wife - obviously no sex (why would you even want to??) / no cooking or washing for him. No doing his business admin. At the same time, broaden your hobbies and interests. You are both parents who are equally responsibile for your DC, so he can stay home with them sometimes while you go out and socialise.

I'm sure your husband wouldn't mind at all if you laughed with your friends about not fancying him and having to force yourself to have sex with him - he's already told you he finds that's a hialrious joke.

Please stop doing the admin for the business. It will give you more headspace for yourself. He can hire someone to do admin or do it himself.

Wow op my heart broke for you reading this 🌸

Get those ducks in a row! X

I would bet that the reason the husband blocked you is because she told him you were a drunk or crazy or something. This is what my exs affair partner did to mitigate my attempts to tell him. I gave up actually - if the other person doesn't want to hear about the betrayal then you can't force them to hear it.

I hear you talking a lot about financial stuff and have made lots of replies that have the odd effect of obscuring clarity. It sounds like you don't really see or really feel what is going on around you and don't know how to be still with yourself and face the truth of what is going on. This might be why earlier attempts at therapy failed. And it might be why your husband feels he can fob you off with the 'it's just a joke' line for something so blatant. I suspect there has been a ton of stuff where you have not 'heard' or 'seen' what is really going on. Not blaming you here btw - but if our boundaries are low - the abusers will take advantage.

I'll say something that I think you will not understand - but here goes:

Talking on here won't help you, because you are using it as a panacea. For you it's not advice you are hearing - it's noise. Try sitting still for an hour and focusing on how you feel. Feel the pain. Then plan/act to protect yourself. Sometimes we have too much faith in words, arguing, talking. Sometimes the answer is more essential than that: How do I feel? How do I make this better for me? How do I protect MYSELF? Everything else is noise. People like your husband and the awful woman he hangs out with take advantage of the noise and drama. The only thing that cuts through this crap is resourceful focused silent planned action.

Stop talking. Stop making excuses. Plan. Silence. Act. This is a retched person who hates you. You are better than this.

KEEP the screenshots to remind you of what a vile skank he is and what he truly thinks of you.. you can consider showing friends and family after you have kicked him out and secured yourself a place of safety ... or just keep them so he does not call you a liar or gaslight you... do not delete those screenshots ... they are the evidence that proves he is a liar and a fraud and nobody knows the real Him...

Glad you are looking at things clearer 🌸

There's no joke in what he said - that's hugely disrespectful and honestly if my DH ever said anything like that about me, I don't know how I could ever get over it. Certainly I don't think I could ever be intimate with him again after it. It probably would be the end of the relationship whether I wanted that or not.

Your stress levels, anxiety and probably the unusual reliance on drink at the moment will likely ease considerably when he and his shit are out of your life.

For now, plan. Say nothing about the screenshots any more, but forward them to a friend or keep them safe. Let him think you are starting to let that go. See a lawyer, quietly on your own. Get the legal information you need for a separation. It may be that you'd be in a far better position than you think.

Then, when the house is sold, when your mum is over her operation, and when you've all your information, drop the divorce papers on him.

No wonder you're on anxiety meds having to put up with that crap

The sharing of a disgusting nickname that they refer to you by would be enough for me to end the relationship with this man. So sorry.

Your posts are shocking and utterly heartbreaking.

Please get away from him.

Stop doing ANYTHING for this pig.

Stop sharing a bedroom.

No longer do his admin.

Do not delete anything.

He is using you.

Get your finances sorted as much as possible and look at getting away from him.

No wonder your mental health is bad.

Really heartbreaking to read.
You poor woman.

So sorry OP

He's really messing with your head!

@Riggins

OP how are you 🌸

@QueenBee52 thanks for asking. I'm doing okay. Mums op has been put back by 4 weeks and the house sale for around the same time - typical unfortunately.

But I took everything said onboard. I have to admit its hard to realise that this is what my life has become but I've also realised how he speaks to me sometimes is horrid. I'm very soft and yesterday he roared at me cos I forgot his type of cheese in the shopping - I mean seriously- my youngest hates any sort of confrontation so I just told him to be quiet and not speak to me like that.

About 2 weeks ago I brought up the whole situation and said how I hoped he wouldn't be going to that pub on thursday out of respect for me - well that blew it up - he made wild accusations about me that both he and I know are not true and basically stated how he wasn't sure what sort of relationship we had left - it was like deja vu cos this is exactly what happened 10 years ago when we split up he would throw anything at me to counteract what he'd done - except I'm not the same soft person as I was then - I was livid - confided in a close friend and showed her all the texts - which was also the best thing to do.

So now we wait and I won't admit it's easy cos I've had the conversation in my head 100s of times but I need that house sold. Then it will be time.

Its all very wearing, cos literally 20 mins after roaring at me about the cheese he can be so nice and it's like I'm going mad so I just stay quiet rather than engage.

I really appreciate all the support here I think it's actually given me the courage to believe in me for a change. 10 years ago my youngest had a lot of medical issues and tests ongoing and I wasn't able to manage on my own - he's older now and everythng is under control so I don't have that worry and most of my time out of work is spent looking after him anyways. Once the house is sold I can sort out this house and to be honest I can hold my hand up and say I never want a man again - I'll be happier on my own with my kids, family and friends - well depending on how he handles the conversation when we get to have it.

Sorry if I rambled its very therapeutic sometimes writing it down and I intend to print out this whole post and hand it to him to read- cos he'd always claim I'm the mad one by being annoyed.

Are you in Ireland OP? This guy sounds a not very intelligent geezer type — who has charm with others and thinks he’s a real laugh - but actually is an absolute arse to you and needs to be binned off. There is no way this marriage can work knowing that’s what he thinks of you. Please sit and do some thinking on how to get out of this ASAP-

Yes I’m in Ireland hence the reason I can’t rent - I work full time so wouldn’t be entitled to help and I could t afford it on my own.

But I can stay here without any interaction he works long hours 6 days a week and I’m an early riser early to bed - I went to bed last night at 830 to read -

I’m just dreading his initial reaction but after that it should be fine cos I don’t think he believes I will follow through but I will - this time around it’s shame on me - for letting him treat me like this - my mum needs all my support atm so I don’t have time for any games

that conversation was vile.

It is not a joke to joke with another woman that your wife is 'narky' and alcoholic and to make those comments about your sex life.

Get angry. really get angry.
It is vile, really vile.

Send a message, letter if necessary, to 'Mary' and call her out too.

I think relatively short term then as you say you can avoid him- do nothing for him— longer term then I would have a good think through things —- I do know what you mean though as we are overseas at moment and did look at Dublin but blimey not only is it pricey, the rental market isn’t great if you want family sized homes in reasonable areas and taking a quick check on cork- that wasn’t much better, so I feel your pain- we live in scandinavia at the moment and believe it or not it’s actually cheaper and way more choice. If you divorce then he doesn’t get a choice, it’s either sell up or buy you out or you get to possibly stay put in lieu of receiving maintenance. I would be seeing a lawyer if I was you simply to talk through the scenarios so you know where you stand