Not sure if I'm being gaslighted or treated badly

[Riggins]

Regular user gone anon for this.

Background - DH & I together 25 years this year, had a rough few years about 10 years ago put but it behind us and moved on. Since then everything seemed okay however DH always had a better social life than I with multiple male and female friends.

Anyways I was sure there was nothing in it (had been there before 11 years ago and agreed if it happened again it was over). I the nature of his business he is in contact with 100s of people and has them all on his social media and phone book. So anyways Christmas eve sitting on laptop chatting to a friend when a message popped up from (let's call her Mary - one of said friends) Mary's husband to tell me that my Dh and her were having an affair for over 3 years that he had thought was finished in September but he found some texts the night before and he reckoned DH should be pulled too. When I questioned him back for proof he wouldn't provide any saying he was working on his marriage.
So I went to her and DH, she says it was just a few silly texts he said it was absolutely nothing, she's just a friend who gets him lots of work. Then her and her partner blocked me on facebook which I thought was weird but he kept saying it was cause there was nothing in it.

Fast forward about 3/4 months and I was constantly suspicious - anyway phone never leaves is side at all, but this particularly evening it was in the kitchen so I looked and took screen shots.

Coversation between the two of them went like this :
Him : Put an order into tesco for drink and asked if she (me) wanted a bottle and she picked 6;
her: Who narky
Him: Who else
Her: greedy fucky
Him: yeah 6 bottles probably just for tonight;
Her: Hows your sexlife
Him: had to Sunday
Her Enjoy: HA HA Had Too; give over you love it;
Him: No really its a job when you don't want to:
Her: You still not fancying her so:
Him: No not at all;
Her: Ah you need a good seeing to:
Him : Know anyone :): ) :)

After I took the pictures I confronted him, where he said he was deeply sorry but it was just a joke between friends, but I don't think it's funny or approrpirate.

We have fought over it for weeks with me checking his phone.
He goes the pub every Thursday and she does be there, last Thursday I had a night out that was finishing early so told him I'd call but but didn't. He must've been terrified cos he was in foul humuour all friday too saying he didn't want me showing up in the pub making a fool of him.
Started saying I drink too much, and dragging up things we argued about 20 years ago.

I can't tell anyone about this IRL cos my closed friend has cancer and I don't want to discuss it with anyone else but I feel like I'm going mad.
He's such a charmer when out and a sulk when at home, does nothing around the house and moans constantly but everyone loves him so I'm the nightmare.

I'm not sure anyone if I'm going mad, being gaslighted or just been the laughing stock of the pair of them.

I suppose I'm just looking for people's honest opinions as the constant conversations in my head are wearing me out.

Gas lighting/being treated badly, it’s all the same shit.

He’s been disloyal and shown you that he doesn’t even like you. I could never get past the fact he told another woman that sex was a job with you. I would never sleep with him again and in the meanwhile try to get things in order to leave him as soon as I could.

I couldn't live with someone who said those things about me.

Thank you all so much for confirming that it's not just a joke. Whenever I bring it up now, he's like forget about it, it was just a joke between friends.

I know I need to build back up my self-esteem badly but then once the next few weeks are out of the way, move forward somehow - even if apart but in the same house - it really is not possible here to rent somewhere on my own I wouldn't be able to afford it but that doesn't mean I need to put up with any more shit - you've reaffirmed that for me.

I was so devastated when I found the messages, I couldn't believe he would do that, or that another girl would talk about someone like that but I suppose there's all sorts out there really.

I just want a quiet life now - My anxiety means my brain doesn't stop so sleep has become a luxury which I need to address.

Thanks again for all your comments, I've taken them all onboard

That was not a joke between friends, that was a poisonous commentary on someone who is supposed to be his best friends. If I found that, I'm afraid I would very vocally, and actively making it very fucking clear I would never be forgetting about it.

OP why won't you tell him to leave ?

Hes told me repeatedly he's never leaving this house, he done all the work in it so will be in no way leaving it. And knows I couldn't afford to go with the kids.

Would he think it a joke if he saw a message you’d sent another man saying having sex with him was a chore ? I guarantee not

Reading that made my heart sink and it wasn't even about me.

What a cunt op. I'm so sorry.

The thing is OP, if I read that I could/would never have sex with my DP again. And without sex, what is a marriage, really? It's just two people sharing a house (I know ppl have dry spells and may agree to a sexless marriage but that's not my thing). That message would clamp my fanny shut until the end of time.

It doesn't matter what he says about the house. What matters is the law. Go and see a lawyer and find out where you stand.

@Riggins

Hes told me repeatedly he's never leaving this house, he done all the work in it so will be in no way leaving it. And knows I couldn't afford to go with the kids.

a Lawyer would tell him different ... you need to see yourself and your children as a priority instead of seeing him as the Boss .. he's nothing but a TIT that has reduced you to a shadow of yourself.. Start by speaking to a Lawyer and tell him nothing until you do... 🌸

I don’t know how you can even look at him never mind live with him - what a snake.
PLEASE get some self respect . A man that loves you wouldn’t do that, discussing/ joking about your sex life is unforgivable.
I hope you have the courage to move forward, we’re all behind you on this x

@Riggins

Hes told me repeatedly he's never leaving this house, he done all the work in it so will be in no way leaving it. And knows I couldn't afford to go with the kids.

He bloody will leave! Hey a free half hour with a lawyer and go from there. Stay angry!

Who instigates this sex that he doesn't want on Sundays ?

No more sex op, he is most deinitely your enemy, how fucking dare he minimise this and breath the same air as you.

Go and see a solicitor, see what they say, take it from there, your anxiety is due to him, he is keeping you in this state to control you.

He really is a bastard, I'm sure you are reluctant to speak to someone in RL as it's so himiliating for you but please do not be ashamed.
It is your shame that is keeping you fixed to the floor in one place unable to act.

Can you see what he is doing? this treatment I should imagine is the tip of the iceburg all done to rob you of any self worth.

Book a councellor and talk through the hurt and understand it's not your fault.

He is an evil bastard and it's all pre meditated.
I hope he burns in hell.

It's not in your mind, somtimes the bastards are really out to get you. When you become stronger one day I hope you expose both of them for what they said and did behind your back.
What cunts.

for you. xx

Leave the horrible pair to it. They deserve each other. No going back from this.

I can’t believe there are people saying that they might not leave after this!! Absolutely LTB- he is completely disrespectful, from what you said he is abusive as well. He sounds vile. Don’t tolerate it anymore op, your self esteem must be on the floor after being with someone like that for so long. Please put yourself first and don’t let him treat you like this

You can't stay.
He's ruining your self esteem and discussing completely inappropriate stuff with another woman.
But you need to plan out how to separate and from what you have said, that won't be easy. Do all your planning in secret, get advice, then do it. Might take a few months but this can't go on like this as it will really destroy you and eat you up in time. The OW husband is in the same boat.

You can use that text as evidence. It's pretty clear what's going on

You are being gas lit and treated badly op. Don’t doubt yourself. If it feels like bad treatment, it is bad treatment.
Don’t put up with it, start planning your escape. Clear your head and think how you’ll go about this. I’m sorry to say it won’t improve. To me, discussing your sex life in such a way with another woman is so low that I think there’s no way back from that. And it’s pretty clear there’s more than that going on.
So sorry op, it’s shit.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.
The way those texts read - this is just one of many. They clearly speak about your relationship a lot.
It is completely and utterly disrespectful towards you.
I know you're saying that right now you can't leave but it is something you can do further along the line?

If so, perhaps spend some time investing in making good friendships so you're spending time with good people. Perhaps have counselling or psychotherapy again so you have someone you can talk to in complete confidence as part of taking care of yourself, which will help build your confidence and self esteem.

He really has been awful to you here. And it doesn't seem he is sorry, otherwise he would change his ways. Instead, he's starting arguments with you so you won't go to the pub with him. And he's still going to the same pub despite the text woman being there.

Look after yourself. 💐

I know you’re all right and I feel like I’m going mad. Wondering how I can manage my job so well but my home life is a disaster.

My mum is getting an op in the next couple of weeks that’s pretty serious so I want to keep things calm til then.

But I just can’t get it out of my head - he kept telling me to delete the screenshots n forget it but I can’t - I’m too old for these games.

It’s so hard when everything is so local and I’m embarrassed at the thoughts of running into her or her husband - they both blocked me on Facebook after ruining christmas.

He can at times be the nicest sweetest family man but when he turns nasty he’s vicious but only to me.

Everyone loves him even all my own friends I’m not even sure any of them would believe me but I do agree my self esteem is in the floor and I need to ease up on the drinking at home cos it has my anxiety so much worse. It was starting to be every night to try help me sleep but it’s back to weekend nights now as I lie awake for hours with everything running through my mind - nothing gives me peace - even walking with podcast on I’m not really listening.

I didn’t find counselling any good before but need to find something that will work even if just to clear my head and help me sleep.

My honest opinion is, in order to retain your own self respect, end your marriage now and get on with the rest of your life without this arsehole. Look into how to improve your self esteen because staying with this loser isn't an option for anyone who has a healthy outlook about themselves and their worth.

This.
He has worn you down over time so that you no longer have any self worth and it sounds like you have serious burnout from your other caring responsibilities. I would be willing to be money that if you didn’t have him in your life, your anxiety would be no where near as bad.
So please give counselling another go - sometimes it’s about finding the right therapist or right type of therapy.
And please speak to a solicitor to truly get a picture of where you stand legally so that you can prepare to stand up for yourself and remove this bastard from your life.

He is disgusting and has clearly been slagging you off to this person for a while. It also sounds like he is shagging her btw. Those are the convos that men have with women they want to sleep with ('I dont love my wife,I only stay and fake it for the children/because she I'd crazy and would kill herself if I didn't ect). She can talk so easily about him not liking you because he has told her you are crazy/horrible.

Seriously op, 'cant have bad credit for my work ' is the most ridiculous reason to stay with a nasty gaslighting shitehead that I've ever heard on here. You just go 'boss,my husband is a horrible bastard so I need to leave him. I'm going to sell my home which might screw up my credit for a bit. But it's getting done. So, heads up'.

You only get one life. Dont waste a second of it with a wanker. Get legal advise and get the house sold. Pay back the loan from that money and go live your own life free from a manipulative fake man who has nothing but contempt for you.

Counseling was probably limited in its effectiveness as you still live with the huge cause of your upset. There's nothing wrong with your feelings or emotions, its his behaviour and dickheadedness that is the problem. Counseling yourself won't change that.

As someone who 'had to' I'm absolutely fuming that he thinks that is a joke. I'd question how many other jokes are at your expense. Find your anger OP, it's what drives us to improve our situation.

I don't think you can live with someone who routinely disrespects you, at best, and is cruel and betrays you with compunction, and be anything other than traumatised and washed out by it.
To consider what to do you need to have some breathing space from it all and an ally if you can.
Get through this immediate time of your mum's op and then start to think what could be done. Speak to a solicitor, don't delete the screen shots, you might need those. I wonder if there are support groups for people in your position, who might be able to support you while you don't feel strong.
If he loses the house, he brought it on himself. But divided finances are a reality you can't avoid so that is a hurdle that needs a think.
If you stay with him you're going to end up having a nervous breakdown, what you're describing is just ghastly.

He said you were a drunk , he said he has to have sex with you which he hates , he said he doesn't fancy you and he has had an affair for three years . This is not gaslighting . He is a prick .