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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Coercive control and isolating please help

23 replies

Helpneededasap456 · 11/07/2021 13:59

My child is positive so we are isolating. My “d” H has been awful over the years but since isolating he’s become a monster and frankly I’m scared. He’s not physically abusing me, but he talks to me like I’m crap on his shoe, gives me silent treatment, blocks me on everything, creates the most awful atmosphere. He throws stuff around and is like an ogre. I have just been hit by this wave of realisation that I can’t do this anymore. In the past he’s been jealous, paranoid, put me down, isolated me bit by bit from my family whom I’ve moved away from. He drinks a lot at night too and I hate it. I cannot bear to converse with him when he’s been drinking as he’s scarily jovial . Thin veneer which cracks in to anger . I hate my life with him he makes me so miserable and sad. The happiest days of my life were when I was a child and I felt truly loved and cherished. I felt loved for who I am. His presence in the house makes my stomach knot and I get palpitations. I dream of being alone . I’m scared he’s going to escalate in to violence. He looks at me like he wants me dead. I can’t even leave the house.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/07/2021 14:07

Please call Women's Aid. Please call your family. Please call your friends. It doesn't matter if you haven't spoken to them for a while. They will want you to be safe (and happy).

You do not have to live like this, but you have to take some action to change it. You've already taken the first step by posting on here.

I'm sure some wiser women will be along with more practical advice shortly but you can do this. I promise.

takemehometoasda · 11/07/2021 14:14

You either need to contact Women's Aid/Refuge or the police.

Topseyt · 11/07/2021 14:26

Leaving an abuser has always been an exception under the covid restrictions.

You need to leave him. You fear an escalation. Sod the isolation. You’d be in more danger of a serious injury if he became violent than you would be from covid.

Get back in contact with your family and call Women’s Aid for help and advice.

He is also emotionally abusing you. It will be having an effect on your child too.

Veryverycalmnow · 11/07/2021 14:32

I agree with previous posters that you should contact women's aid or family and get away from him. I hope you get the help you need to escape. Flowers

Mix56 · 11/07/2021 14:33

You need to leave

coodawoodashooda · 11/07/2021 14:34

I had your life. It doesn't have to be like this op. Phone Women's Aid and read out your post. They helped me in the most amazing way.

Helpneededasap456 · 11/07/2021 14:36

Thanks v much for your replies. I can’t leave my child but equally they are positive so can’t leave the house? To make matters worse I have a sore throat, headache and tightness in my chest with a cough. He’s just being so nasty to me . Silent treatment. Or two / three word commands eg “ get this” “ shut the door “. Said in a horrible cold way. Contempt oozing from his every pore.

OP posts:
Helpneededasap456 · 11/07/2021 14:37

I’m not sure how I can make the call without him hearing or watching. He’s like a hawk

OP posts:
Helpneededasap456 · 11/07/2021 14:37

@coodawoodashooda thanks so much. Can you tell me how they helped

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 11/07/2021 14:41

@Helpneededasap456

Thanks v much for your replies. I can’t leave my child but equally they are positive so can’t leave the house? To make matters worse I have a sore throat, headache and tightness in my chest with a cough. He’s just being so nasty to me . Silent treatment. Or two / three word commands eg “ get this” “ shut the door “. Said in a horrible cold way. Contempt oozing from his every pore.
As has already been said upthread, leaving an abuser is an exception - which means you can (and must) take your child with you.

As you have symptoms, it might be a plan to say you have to go for a PCR test as well - take your child with you and then make the calls/go to the police station.

Helpneededasap456 · 11/07/2021 14:44

Problem is if he got a police record he could lose income. That would be a disaster for us too

OP posts:
username18702 · 11/07/2021 14:47

OP do you have a parent you can take your child and go and stay with? You can say that you're not feeling well and am worried about passing to your husband.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 11/07/2021 14:56

@Helpneededasap456

Problem is if he got a police record he could lose income. That would be a disaster for us too
Not as much of a disaster as it would be if he decides to kill you tonight, though, is it?

In any case, you could claim benefits and get social housing, so there is no disaster involved in an ex losing a job due to being a convicted abuser.

Bananalanacake · 11/07/2021 15:08

Could you call WA when he is drunk, he drinks alot so he must sleep at some point. You can't live like this.

username18702 · 11/07/2021 15:15

The National Helpline (not WA) won't speak to someone with the abuser in the house.

coodawoodashooda · 11/07/2021 15:42

Op Every single experience or story i told them, they explained what he was trying to achieve with his behaviour. It was amazing. Amazing. Like theyd been sitting on my shoulder watching my marriage. I wish i had collated evidence to prosecute my xh. Hes such an evil person. Most importantly you need to get free. When do you expect him to go out next? The police were also very helpful.

minniemouseshouses · 11/07/2021 15:51

OP please take the good advice offered above. Please do what you can to protect yourself and your child. You will manage fine alone, first step is get the hell out of there ASAP. Covid does not matter - you have the right to leave even with symptoms when you are in danger.

Helpneededasap456 · 11/07/2021 16:39

Just got a mouthful off him as apparently even if I have got covid …I’m always “ fucking ill “ said with a sneer. My chest hurts and I’m wheezing. He doesn’t give a shit.

OP posts:
Helpneededasap456 · 11/07/2021 16:40

Currently being ignored because I won’t have sex . I’m only of use if I do it would appear. Otherwise I’m despicable

OP posts:
Thoughtcontagion · 11/07/2021 17:02

Can you drive? Book a PCR test, take your child and leave.

You are allowed to leave for cases of DV.

Your safety is a priority as is your childs.

Can any friends or family help you.

You can text 999 if you are an immediate danger. Please register your phone using this link. Also remember to delete any browser history or women’s aid, refuge etc as this an escalate situations. The moments before you go are the most dangerous, plan carefully and stay safe.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/firstaidtrainingcooperative.co.uk/can-i-text-999/%3famp

coodawoodashooda · 11/07/2021 17:05

Op. Its you. Not 'us'. If you are being treated like shit you are not in a couple you are being abused. You are teaching your child how to accept abuse and be abusive.

username18702 · 11/07/2021 17:08

@Helpneededasap456

Just got a mouthful off him as apparently even if I have got covid …I’m always “ fucking ill “ said with a sneer. My chest hurts and I’m wheezing. He doesn’t give a shit.
No he doesn't OP. Can you find a way to leave today? If you have nowhere to stay, say you're going to a chemist to get some medicine and you can go to your local police station who are linked up to local DV services.

Can you get to a relative?

Can you get to a chemist and ask for Ani, they will let you use a private room to make calls. You can contact your local DV org from there.

OP this is your life and nothing is going to change unless you start to take steps to get out.

DawnMumsnet · 12/07/2021 16:21

Hi Helpneededasap456,

We're sorry you're going through such a tough time and we hope things are a bit calmer today and that you and your child are feeling less ill.

We can see that you're getting some good support from other Mumsnetters but we just wanted to add a link to our domestic violence support webguide as there are lots of organisations listed which can give you some real life help.

Lots of posters have suggested you get in touch with Women's Aid, and we'd absolutely second that. They have a new online chat support service which operates 10:00am - 6:00pm every day.

It's also worth checking out the Freedom Programme - we know it's helped many MNers over the years so please click on the link.

If you do ever feel you're in immediate danger, call 999. If you’re unable to speak to the operator, press 55 to let them know you need help.

Take care Flowers

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