OLD Help Please

[FlaptheWings]

Hi! Can anybody here please give me some advice?

I am a 44yo mum of 3, separated from my ex over a year ago (he's an alcoholic), previously was married to an abusive man (he's the father of my oldest child)

Anyway, I decided to give OLD a go and matched with a guy who seemed nice, and we were messaging back and forth. He asked to meet up, which I wanted too, but he wants it to be in his hometown, which is quite a long way from me. Still, I was happy to drive through, and we arranged to meet on Tuesday coming.

My problem is that he then started talking quite dirty, telling me how he wanted to give me oral and how hard he was getting thinking about it, and that's when I really froze up. It's not the first time I've had guys talking like that over text, and I just want to know, is that normal? I don't think I'm prudish, but maybe I am! I like a bit of flirting, but I find explicit talk like that intimidating. I'm now considering cancelling Tuesday, but maybe it's me that's being too uptight??

I suffered some sexual abuse from my father as a child, and I've only had two sexual partners in my life, so I'm willing to accept maybe I'm being naive, but I just wanted to meet a nice, respectful man.

This is not normal or acceptable. Don't meet him, unmatch or block. Not all men are like this on old but some are. You are not being uptight, he is being a sleaze. Not your fault, only his.

Absolutely not normal. He is a weirdo creep.

'It seems you are looking for something different to me so i wont be meeting you'. Delete and block.

No this is not normal. I also wouldn’t consider going to anyone’s hometown if it was miles away.

What are you looking for?

BytheCooker thank you for answering. That was my instinct, but I feel so confused sometimes because other guys have said I'm too uptight, and I've never been able to work out if I am, or if they are just sleazy!

You’re not too uptight. You have boundaries they think they can break through. They are attempting to manipulate you and it’s a huge red flag.

Absolutely cancel Tuesday & if you want to continue OLD it’s worth adding what you want to hopefully ward off the men after casual situationships.

Thank you everyone. My mum did say to me, why did I have to go there, and not meet half way?

I want a fun, loving relationship. I know sex is important, and I do love sex, but I don't want to feel pressured. This guy says he doesn't want a hookup, but the way he talks sex is definitely uppermost in his mind. And the annoying thing is that part of me finds it really hot that he would want me, and the other part is repulsed.

Think of it this way: theres no such thing as 'too uptight'. There's what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. And they are your feelings so you have every right to them.

Ate you sure you are ready to date atm op? It sounds like your self esteem and boundaries might not be where they need to be yet. That makes things very risky.

Have you read up on how to spot abuse after the fuckwit ex? Maybe considered doing the freedom program online?

A year single from an alcholic and an abuser before that...it might be that you need more time and self work.

Honestly if I were you I'm not sure I'd even want to date again considering that history and having three kids to look after. But if you want to go for it then make sure you never stop learning how to spot abuse. And practice listening to your gut.

I'd just tell him that it's too much too soon and you're wondering what it is he's after. Is it a relationship or just sex? Tell him you're not comfortable with it this early on. If he backs off, you'll have your answer.

umbrella thank you. Maybe I'm not ready yet. Maybe I should wait and maybe one day meet somebody the old fashioned way, where it was much more organic than OLD. I get lonely, and it's nice to feel desired, but I don't know that OLD is good for my soul.

I did say that cookie, and apologised. But then he says he's a full-on person who won't change, and he's started saying the same stuff again today!

Sorry, HE apologised!

You are absolutely not uptight, please don't meet this lazy creep who can't even be arsed to meet halfway. As for it being hot that he wants you, in the nicest possible way as I am sure you're lovely, it's not specific desire for you, he is just sleazy.

It"s good that you feel ready to try dating again, however in your position I would not be travelling all the way to him, if he really wanted to meet he would agree to meet halfway or come all the way to you.

The texting dirty talk would certainly have put me off, especially since you have not had your first meet up.

I met my now husband on OLD and we did long distance for a couple of years and he always came to me so I would feel safe.

Please think about your safety.

Ugh definitely cancel the date. He is only looking for sex and nothing more. These kinds of guys are so common on old and you just need to stop replying if that kind of conversation isn't your thing. They won't change and more than likely get off on making you feel uncomfortable

Just seen your update. He has no concept of consent or decency, I would be blocking.

strawberry yes you're right! You can't be overcome that much with desire just from a couple of snaps!

Nah hate to say it but it's rate to meet someone without online dating these days. Just don't take any shit. Theres assholes everywhere. Online and not. But there are good men too.

You just have to learn to protect yourself first and foremost. And weed out the creeps, timewasters and bad eggs. It takes practice. But its doable. It's just a whole lot easier when you...love yourself first, as they say.

You day you find it hot that he 'would want you'. Thay worries me that you might be looking for a man as a sort of plaster to fix the hurt other men did to your self esteem. When really, you have to heal that yourself by learning to be happy with yourself and in your own company first.

He's not for you.

Oh and btw...they rarely look like their pics in person xD

I think I will cancel. Me doing all the travelling, and him continuing with the sex talk, does show a lack of respect. I need to trust my gut, and trust that any niggles are there for a reason. I worry that my past negatively clouds my judgement, but I'm starting to think that's not the case at all.

Please don’t give this guy anymore of your time. Say you’re after different things and wish him well on his seedy little mission ;)

I agree with the other poster after taking more time for you but that doesn’t mean isolation. Join a club, gym or even date but just low key so meet for a coffee. It doesn’t need to go anywhere. Your life has been so serious by the looks of it. Find out what/who you like

He apologised. Then did it again ! Imagine a long term relationship with him. How exhausting. Just block him. He's after 1 thing and expects you to travel for it.
I hope you find someone nicer soon.

I always cancel on those types, there's no need to be crude before you meet, he's probably just wanting one thing, it's frustrating when that side comes out after arranging a date but your not obliged to go. There are some more respectable men out there that won't do all the sex chat, bit if flirting is ok. I always see it a good sign when they insist on a date near you too.

Cancel then block. You don't owe him any explanation.

Some women are fine with sex talk very early on, some are not. It's OK to be either. It's not OK for someone to ignore your boundaries.

Okay, I've sent him a voice note to cancel. I'll try to trust my instincts from now on. As umbrella said, my feelings are my feelings, and I have every right to have them.