OLD Help Please

[FlaptheWings]

Hi! Can anybody here please give me some advice?

I am a 44yo mum of 3, separated from my ex over a year ago (he's an alcoholic), previously was married to an abusive man (he's the father of my oldest child)

Anyway, I decided to give OLD a go and matched with a guy who seemed nice, and we were messaging back and forth. He asked to meet up, which I wanted too, but he wants it to be in his hometown, which is quite a long way from me. Still, I was happy to drive through, and we arranged to meet on Tuesday coming.

My problem is that he then started talking quite dirty, telling me how he wanted to give me oral and how hard he was getting thinking about it, and that's when I really froze up. It's not the first time I've had guys talking like that over text, and I just want to know, is that normal? I don't think I'm prudish, but maybe I am! I like a bit of flirting, but I find explicit talk like that intimidating. I'm now considering cancelling Tuesday, but maybe it's me that's being too uptight??

I suffered some sexual abuse from my father as a child, and I've only had two sexual partners in my life, so I'm willing to accept maybe I'm being naive, but I just wanted to meet a nice, respectful man.

He just replied saying he has some other people on the go anyway! And he says he doesn't understand as we didn't seem incompatible yesterday - but I felt pressured to respond yesterday and tried to make it clear that I wasn't comfortable with it.

Oh well!

I had an epiphany moment, where I realised that I don't have to be nice to any of these guys, or respond to them. I can just block and move on. That's quite a big realisation for me!

Good work OP! This is you trusting your instincts and maintaining your boundaries

Thanks strawberry

Excellent light bulb made mention ! Some get that used to the creepy online sites they don't know how to have a proper relationship. You having to drive over there is a red flag as well ! Just take your time and find one of the nice guys ! Good luck!

Lol yeah you didn't seem incompatable yesterday because yesterday you let him speak to you like that but today you know it's ok for you not to be ok with that kind if talk. So things have changed.

Absolutely just block and move on. You dont need to explain to anyone that being a creep is not ok.
It that it is ok for you to have your own boundaries.

If they dont flat your boat or dont respect your boundaries then - next!

You have all helped me so much. Thank you! I am slowly starting to realise my worth and stake out my boundaries. I feel more confident in my instincts. It's one thing going into a date feeling nervous, but not worried or anxious.

@FlaptheWings Come and join us on the Dating thread, we all support each other with the rigours of OLD.

He just wants a quick shag.

He doesn't know you or care about. You need to look after yourself.

@SortingItOut, ah, mumsnet at its best

I think I might do that sorting, thanks. It would be nice to be able to discuss the ups and downs!

@FlaptheWings We do share it all,mainly downs but some ups.

By being able to talk about whether something is right or not and other people sharing their experiences it helps everyone build better boundaries and know that sometimes OLD is just full of twats and it is them and not us that is the problem.

Any man who is not willing to travel to you on a first date would be a no go in my opinion, so it would not have gone any further. The fact he was talking dirty would have found him blocked immediately.

He only wants a hook up, despite what he said. Not willing to travel and all that sex talk before you've even met is saying poud and clear what he is looking for.

Well done for trusting your instincts and also for realising that you don't owe them anything, explanation or anything.

There is a lot of this in OLD
So frustrating, I've also been called a prude and uptight
My response yip that's me
And you're just a cock so piss off
Block !
You keep to the principles and boundaries that you choose and hopefully one day someone will come along who will respect them and have the same
Nothing wrong with you at all 💐

Why is he offering you oral sex when he hasn’t even met you?!

You did the right thing.

He sounds like a total sleaze bag.

Thanks for the responses everybody!

Yeah, when I told him I wouldn't be meeting him he said it didn't matter as he has a few others on the go anyway. What a charmer!

Acceptable is whatever you're comfortable with.

Jesus. I wouldn't even bother cancelling just block and move on. If a bloke won't make any effort on a first date I'd chuck him back

He doesn't desire you though. He doesn't know you and hasn't even met you. Please don't take it as a compliment that some sleazebag wants you to give him oral sex.

As for driving to see him, this has to be the laziest twat known to humankind. He wants you to drive to see him and then you to go down on him.

What the fuck is the world coming to when women think this is a compliment? Wake up, OP!

Hollow I realise that, and I realise that my self-esteem has been very low for most of my life. I'm working on that and I'm starting to realise that I owe nothing to these men, and that I can do what makes me happy.