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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What has happened here?

68 replies

pangolina · 11/07/2021 01:58

OH and I have just spent a fun night at our BIL and SIL's having dinner and drinks. We decided to walk home. About 2 minutes into our walk he said "why are you walking in the road" (in a completely empty cul de sac at 1am) I said there were no cars coming, what difference does it make. He starts snapping at me to walk faster, I ask him what is wrong, and he starts accusing me of being an aggressive drunk (i've had 3 glasses of wine and am tipsy but in no way drunk). He stops in the street, refuses to tell me why he is so cross insists on calling a taxi. It takes a while to arrive during which time he accuses me of failing to have called ot correctly (?) and saying he doesn't ever want to go out with me if I'm drinking again. When the taxi arrived, he put me in it and then said he was walking home. We literally had no cross words all night, have been drunk together many times in our 20 yrs together...wtf?

OP posts:

FunMcCool · 11/07/2021 08:44

Has this happened before!?

FreeSpirits · 11/07/2021 08:45

How odd
Hope your ok X

EarringsandLipstick · 11/07/2021 08:46

@pangolina

I wouldn't be waiting for him to wake up. I'd be in there for a clear explanation of his behaviour.

Unless he is hugely apologetic, with an appropriate explanation, I'd be furious and taking this seriously. It's so wrong.

Posters excusing him, and deciding you were off your face and a problem drinker (when it's clear from your posts you were not drunk) are unreal.

blackcurrantjam · 11/07/2021 08:49

Hmm 41. Classic. This weird sense of dissatisfaction sets in. Starts criticising and being all weird and controlling. Suddenly everything is wrong. Mid life crisis alert.

blackcurrantjam · 11/07/2021 08:52

Also pack u into taxi to make space for booty call

Katyy · 11/07/2021 08:59

No you don’t sound drunk. There must be more to this, unless this is the very start of controlling behaviour. You’ll need to be tough. I wouldn’t have got in the taxi, if I didn’t want to, I’d have felt he was pushing me around , but then that’s me I’m just stubborn.

Barwell76 · 11/07/2021 08:59

Why didn't he he get in the taxi with you?
Even if he thought you were too drunk to walk home why wasnt he looking after you? Its very weird, there is something going on, he seems to be picking an arguement got no reason. Maybe he wanted to make a secret phone call on the way home.

Lovemusic33 · 11/07/2021 08:59

Hope you are OK OP and hope he has a explanation for his behaviour.

Original poster

pangolina · 11/07/2021 09:06

He asked me to call the taxi because he said I was walking too slowly, then when it arrived he said he was going to walk! I had pre- paid when I booked it so I just got in it and came home and came up to bed.
What is also ridiculous is that the reason we came home was because the people whose house we were at had had a lot to drink and were both falling asleep, so I don't see how he could have been worried that I was making a drunken spectacle of myself. But we shall see.

OP posts:

Calmdown14 · 11/07/2021 09:41

Do you have kids OP? The line that stood out for me is that he spent most of the night playing with his nieces and nephews.
Just wondering if he has sudden regrets about life choices or if it hasn't happened for you and he has somehow focussed this on your drinking, which in no way sounds out of control from this post and your writing certainly didn't say 'drunk'.
May be way out, it just seems like he's targeting something small as the issue when it might be something bigger he isn't articulating.
Nonetheless, I'd be pissed off he acted like a knob

Original poster

pangolina · 11/07/2021 09:43

We don't have kids, no. I've never wanted them but I think you've hit on something. I think he would have had them had he been with someone who wanted them, and I'm wondering if he is becoming resentful. I've thought this before.

OP posts:

category12 · 11/07/2021 10:06

🙄🙄
I mean, seriously.
OP wrote several cogent clear posts so was clearly not drunk.
It is disgraceful that her 'D'P thought it was ok to decide she needed a taxi & put her in it. She's an adult. He doesn't get to instruct her or more or less force her to do something.

I asked if the OP was a problem drinker, because it's not unusual for them to think there's no problem with their behaviour and everyone else is being horrible. Sometimes the people that live with them become sensitised to when they drink, so that even if they're not bad that time, they're already on high alert.

And being able to write coherently wouldn't mean she's not a problem drinker with a high tolerance.

I felt it was worth asking the question, given his overreaction. It was a question I'd asked earlier with a bit more context that OP hadn't responded to, so I repeated it on its own.

blackcurrantjam · 11/07/2021 10:14

@pangolina

Hmm. Things at this age that were tolerable can become suddenly intolerable. Hes accepted it but suddenly can't? And you become the reason and so he starts to resent you. This comes out as twattish behaviour.

Could also work the other way. He's always been a knob and you've accepted it but suddenly it's not ok anymore

Dontdripme · 11/07/2021 10:19

Was he drinking?

Dontdripme · 11/07/2021 10:20

@pangolina

He had had maybe 3 beers and one or two cocktails. It's just baffling that he was so annoyed yet couldn't tell me why.

Perhaps the booze made him behave so weirdly? Very odd

Isthisit22 · 11/07/2021 12:19

This sounds like what has happened to a few women I've known: their husbands were cheating and wanted to ring the OW.
Does he sometimes go for walk himself on an evening? Or work late more than usual?

Original poster

pangolina · 11/07/2021 12:45

No never works late, he goes running but always has done and always asks me to go too.
He came in and apologised this morning and said he doesn't really know what happened but he felt like some of the jokes were a bit mean and it seemed like I didn't like him, but he shouldn't have had a go at me.
Odd situation. I will see what happens next time we go out but we drink so rarely it could be months.
Thank you all for replying and giving me some pointers and things to consider, it did help a lot. Have a lovely rest of weekend, everyone.

OP posts:

larkstar · 11/07/2021 13:00

@Calmdown14

Do you have kids OP? The line that stood out for me is that he spent most of the night playing with his nieces and nephews. Just wondering if he has sudden regrets about life choices or if it hasn't happened for you and he has somehow focussed this on your drinking, which in no way sounds out of control from this post and your writing certainly didn't say 'drunk'. May be way out, it just seems like he's targeting something small as the issue when it might be something bigger he isn't articulating. Nonetheless, I'd be pissed off he acted like a knob

I'd really give this some thought @pangolina @Calmdown14 - a beautiful insight.

Having children has made my life so worthwhile - I've loved every minute of it - my girls are 25 and 28 - they are like cuttings taken from my wife - why wouldn't I love them as much!?

My sister could not have children and frankly - the sadness has shaped her whole character.

If you are not on the same page regarding having your own kids I think it's hard to be together - the feeling of wanting children is such a deep rooted thing.

Does he find it hard to make his feelings known or is this a topic that has been discussed and put to one side as far as you are concerned?

Perhaps he is conflicted because he may really want to be in a relationship with you but that might conflict with his feelings about wanting children.

Best of luck in getting to the bottom of it.

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