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Original poster

Husband doesn't like talking about problems

31 replies

FeelingSoSad2 · 10/07/2021 13:20

I guess this is not a new one, I'm in a relationship with a man who, when things don't go well, just buries himself into work as well as his online passion, which is listening to endless youtube talks.

We have a 3 year old, he also has grown up children who don't live with him.

When I ask him to talk (after a fight let's say), he's on his computer and I'm basically an annoyance. When I ask him to tell me when he's going to be available to talk, he says he'll tell me. Several days passed, he didn't tell me anything. But he did have time to talk to his grown up children (about politics), go kayaking with one of them, go to stores for some personal purchases, etc. I came to ask him again this morning, he said he has a lot of work and that we have to wait until after our vacation next week (i.e. in 2 weeks). The whole time, he barely even lifted his eyes from the computer.

It's always like that after a fight, to the point that unless really necessary, I don't really discuss problems with him. When we're ok, we're ok, when we fight, days later, we restart talking and the issue is never discussed.

It makes me feel so unimportant!

I would how other ladies would react to this kind of attitude?

OP posts:
RainingZen · 10/07/2021 13:44

When you fight, would you say he loses control of his emotions, ie is it a very shouty passionate row, or is it more cold, bitter anger.

Maybe he doesnt like revisiting negative emotions. Maybe he is worried the argument will kick off again. Maybe he thinks you're looking for an apology and he doesnt want to give it to you, because he thinks you were the one in the wrong or he is going to be persuaded to take the blame for the argument.

Some people argue to blow off steam, and once that rush of annoyance has passed it's over for them. Maybe he is one of those people.

It's hard to say from your post.

I agree if you are a "talk things through person" it is going to be hard living with someone who isnt.

Shoxfordian · 10/07/2021 13:46

I don’t know how you married someone you can’t talk to

Bridezillamaybe · 10/07/2021 13:50

He sounds like a bully. I could not tolerate this. It's controlling and abusive. Therapy is your only chance but if he's not willing to change i would leave.

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 13:51

Tell him there will be no holiday if you don't have an adult conversation. Tell him to step away from his computer for 10 minutes and grow up.

Fireflygal · 10/07/2021 13:55

Conflict resolution is a critical skill in marriage and if arguments aren't smoothed over they build into resentment.

Ignoring discussion can be a manipulative way to get what he wants or a passive aggressive way to frustrate and annoy you.

I learned this later in my marriage that his lack of communication was usually over subjects important to me. We communicated fine if he wanted something to happen.

Think through the argument, how did it start? What was said and what's the outcome.

Sadly I suspect his first wife had similar issues to you.

updownroundandround · 10/07/2021 13:56

I find his attitude at best dismissive, and at worst, total selfish arrogance tbh.

Why the hell are you allowing him to 'dictate' when and even IF you may discuss an issue you have with him ? Hmm

Aren't your feelings/ thoughts/ opinions of equal importance ?

I'd begin by telling him that ''due to your inability to find time in your bust schedule for us to have our chat, I've decided that I'll be far too preoccupied with worry/stress because of the unacceptable 'delay' to do any of your laundry/cooking/cleaning/shopping until we've had that chat !''

updownroundandround · 10/07/2021 13:57

Busy schedule Blush not bust !!

Original poster
FeelingSoSad2 · 10/07/2021 14:04

@RainingZen

When you fight, would you say he loses control of his emotions, ie is it a very shouty passionate row, or is it more cold, bitter anger.

Maybe he doesnt like revisiting negative emotions. Maybe he is worried the argument will kick off again. Maybe he thinks you're looking for an apology and he doesnt want to give it to you, because he thinks you were the one in the wrong or he is going to be persuaded to take the blame for the argument.

Some people argue to blow off steam, and once that rush of annoyance has passed it's over for them. Maybe he is one of those people.

It's hard to say from your post.

I agree if you are a "talk things through person" it is going to be hard living with someone who isnt.

@RainingZen, yes, he loses control and says things that I find hurtful. Recently, he told me that he doesn't even remember what he said to me and apparently, he didn't really mean it.

It might be the reasons that you mentionned and yes, it's hard...I always read that talking through problems is the way to insure your relationship is satisfying.

OP posts:
YeokensYegg · 10/07/2021 14:06

What are the fights about?

Does he usually ignore you like that?

Original poster
FeelingSoSad2 · 10/07/2021 14:07

@updownroundandround

I find his attitude at best dismissive, and at worst, total selfish arrogance tbh.

Why the hell are you allowing him to 'dictate' when and even IF you may discuss an issue you have with him ? Hmm

Aren't your feelings/ thoughts/ opinions of equal importance ?

I'd begin by telling him that ''due to your inability to find time in your bust schedule for us to have our chat, I've decided that I'll be far too preoccupied with worry/stress because of the unacceptable 'delay' to do any of your laundry/cooking/cleaning/shopping until we've had that chat !''

Unfortunately, I can't stop doing the laundry for my kids, and I think that openly not putting his things wouldn't make him more willing to talk :(
OP posts:
OomphRidden · 10/07/2021 14:07

Switch his computer off and insist he talks. Why do you allow him to dictate terms to you? Don't you count?

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 14:08

I'd begin by telling him that ''due to your inability to find time in your bust schedule for us to have our chat, I've decided that I'll be far too preoccupied with worry/stress because of the unacceptable 'delay' to do any of your laundry/cooking/cleaning/shopping until we've had that chat !'

This is game playing. Manipulating somebody into a conversation they don't want to have is unhealthy, and won't make them have a conversation in which they want to look at a healthy goal for both parties.

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 14:13

OP, I think, other than calmly telling him the consequences of his refusal to talk, there's little you can do. If he doesn't want to talk, you can't make him, and I don't really see what PPs think you should be doing in order to stop 'letting him' not talk.

Does he know that it's destroying your love and respect for him? I mean, you can calmly tell him that, and if he still doesn't want to try to rectify his unwillingness to talk, that'll tell you how he prioritises your feelings (ie, how much he cares about your happiness/relationship)

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 14:15

@OomphRidden

Switch his computer off and insist he talks. Why do you allow him to dictate terms to you? Don't you count?
Nobody dictates their terms to anybody in a healthy relationship, so it doesn't make sense for OP to invade his space and take control of his stuff.
Fireflygal · 10/07/2021 14:19

Recently, he told me that he doesn't even remember what he said to me and apparently, he didn't really mean it

That's extremely convenient for him because he doesn't ever have to take accountability and I guess ever apologise.

I would not switch off the computer or stop household duties as that's not a healthy way to solve this. It's just trying to punish him and my guess is it would escalate the situation.

Are you financially reliant on him?

OomphRidden · 10/07/2021 14:24

@TheFoundations it's not a healthy relationship though, is it? He shuts her down, so she can do the same (if she chooses to do so). It's because women seek to be nice, to keep things healthy blah blah that men like this get away with blatant disrespect.

OomphRidden · 10/07/2021 14:26

And the assumption that because OP is a woman she is doing 'household duties' for this piggish man is also unhealthy

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 14:29

@OomphRidden

Two wrongs don't make a right. If you can't fix an unhealthy relationship using healthy relationship methods, you need to get out, because your partner is not responsive to healthy relationship methods.

You don't start doing 'an eye for an eye'.

Original poster
FeelingSoSad2 · 10/07/2021 14:44

Are you financially reliant on him?

No, we share everything half half, I make my own money and if we break up, the gouvernement helps single parents, so I'm not worried about finances.

Recently, I've been actually wondering if there's an advantage in living with someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSoSad2 · 10/07/2021 14:49

[quote TheFoundations]@OomphRidden

Two wrongs don't make a right. If you can't fix an unhealthy relationship using healthy relationship methods, you need to get out, because your partner is not responsive to healthy relationship methods.

You don't start doing 'an eye for an eye'.[/quote]
It's a hard one, because when I feel hurt, I find it hard to just continue being nice and respectful. I make an effort, because precisely I don't want to escalate issues, but obviously I stop doing nice things that I would normally do.

It's actually me who does the laundry (he does other things) and I could leave out his underwear let's say, it would look innocent, because there's a lot of laundry every week and I could easily say that I didn't have time to do it all, but that would be just for my ego.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/07/2021 14:50

In the past when divorce was frowned upon and women were financially vulnerable, people stayed together no matter how bad the marriage was.

Luckily you're not in that situation now - have a good think - is there any advantage to living with this man?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2021 14:57

I would how other ladies would react to this kind of attitude?

I would never have married an emotionally unavailable man, but if I were you, I would leave him as soon as possible. Why on earth would you want to live this way? This is not a marriage imo, just a waste of life.

OomphRidden · 10/07/2021 15:02

It's not an eye for an eye, it's finding a way to have a conversation that she wants to have - it's not spiteful, it's practical.

Why be afraid to escalate things? He's not afraid of acting like a pig. Why be nice and respectful? That's just behaviour that we have been taught to comply with for the benefit of everyone but ourselves.

As you see, I don't do 'nice' anymore which is probably why I won't have a conventional relationship with a man again Grin. Feel free to ignore me.

Fireflygal · 10/07/2021 15:08

@Aquamarine1029, I can't speak for the Op but many women, myself included, were tricked by their partner. They presented a different persona for many years until the partner is committed usually through marriage or children.

Prior to marriage Ex would always want to resolve issues but that's changed overnight. He was physically and emotionaly able to resolve conflict, he just chose not to after marriage. It's a power play.

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 15:19

It's not an eye for an eye, it's finding a way to have a conversation that she wants to have - it's not spiteful, it's practical

Why be afraid to escalate things? He's not afraid of acting like a pig. Why be nice and respectful? That's just behaviour that we have been taught to comply with for the benefit of everyone but ourselves

OP won't get the conversation she wants to have by switching off his computer and demanding that he talk to her this instant.

It's not about being afraid of escalating things, it's about recognising that escalating things doesn't help, as 'escalated things' isn't a goal that anybody is trying to reach.

This issue occurs in straight relationships, gay relationships, from men to women and from women to men.

We should be nice and respectful because it's nice and respectful, and not stoop to 'not nice' and 'not respectful' just because others stoop.

Behaviour that benefits ourselves is being who we truly are, and turning our backs on people who don't treat us how we want to be treated. Not demanding that people talk to us NOW because it's what we want, and those people have been shitty to us.

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