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Original poster

After bad divorce, does anyone else feel they will never allow themselves to fully commit to someone again?

35 replies

Yetigo3 · 10/07/2021 12:31

Divorced 2 years ago after ex had an affair, very traumatic, still trying to process it all, the hurt and pain comes in waves.

Dating someone new for 6 months, really lovely man, kind, caring, selfless and very understanding of my feelings.

If I had met him before I had ever met ex husband I’m I would have been jumping for joy as he is everything I’m looking for.

However I actually scoff at the idea of ever thinking someone is going to be my forever person again. I feel like I will never allow myself to fully commit to someone in a completely serious way. I enjoy seeing my new boyfriend but I take it day by day, we plan trips etc but I don’t like thinking too far into the future.

Surely this isn’t the right way to think? I feel bad for my boyfriend and have told him this, but genuinely the only person I see being in my life forever is my son.

Makes me sad to think this as I was such a romantic before. My friend has said maybe my boyfriend just isn’t the right person and that’s why I feel like this but I honestly feel like I would say the same no matter who it is

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 10/07/2021 12:39

I would be exactly the same in your position if I found myself single having stayed after finding out H had an EA many years ago and a bad porn habit — I like men , I have simply lost a lot of faith in many men’s ability to do the right thing for years on end- so I would be happy to see men and have relationships but I no longer believe in unconditional love with partners— for me it now comes with conditions

BillyRaywasapreachersson · 10/07/2021 12:49

Following my xh's affair (and many other issues) I've been divorced for over a decade, since I was 34. I have no intention of having another relationship. If I fancy a shag, I go and have one but there is no chance I'm getting involved with anyone again. I have no need to commit to anyone, I don't need financial support, emotional support or to be 'looked after'. I have a dc and have no interest in foisting someone on them either, they have a troubled relationship with their father, without me throwing another bloke into that mix. There is no reason to get into a relationship and there is no fucking way I will compromise even 1% of my life to work around a man ever again. I love being single, but it's not a popular view.

Annabellerina · 10/07/2021 12:59

I feel exactly the same as you all. I also used to be a romantic, now very jaded!

OomphRidden · 10/07/2021 13:00

Even after a good divorce (amicable, no financial or childcare issues) I'll never fully commit again. Why would I? I have three gorgeous DC, a good job, a lovely house and garden that I have challenged myself to look after on my own, loads of friends, my health (for now at least, I'm late 50s), a nice sexy younger man who I see three nights a week. I can think of no reason whatsoever to open myself up to uncertainty by moving in a man on the offchance we may be able and willing to mutually support each other into old age. I'm no nurse with a purse.

Being single but sexually satisfied is bloody brilliant and should be the most popular view among women!

Phillipa12 · 10/07/2021 13:02

I have been happily single since my divorce. My exh had an affair and the hurt that it generated made me never want to be in a relationship again. I'm 5 years on from my divorce with 3 boys, I also have no interest in foisting a man upon them either. One of my elderly clients asked me the other week if I missed having a man in my life, the quick answer was no, I've never been happier, I wasn't even this happy when I had man in my life. My other answer was that I have 3 Willie's in the house.....I really don't need 4!

Rainandspirit · 10/07/2021 13:13

I am 2 year post finding out about exh affair and have started dating again. I think it’s all the hurt and pain that stops us fully committing . Time is a healer but the pain is always there .

litterbird · 10/07/2021 13:24

I am in mid 50s and 6 years on from him going to the OW. Never been happier, won’t ever commit to someone fully again and it’s such a freeing feeling that (hopefully) no one will be able to cause me such heartbreak again. I am seeing someone who is, on paper, just great. He is available to me, does what he says he is going to do, turns up on time, calls, helps….but I will never fall deeply again…this is perfect at the moment. Next month he might be off, who knows, but I know I will never be hurt like I was before again.

HugeAckmansWife · 10/07/2021 14:04

Post unpleasant divorce (ow) I am in a committed relationship but it is somewhat at arms length. We don't and won't cohabit, he's not involved with my kids and its separate finances etc all the way. I just don't feel the need and won't risk losing my entire life infrastructure again if one if us decides the relationship is over.

Slothmomma · 10/07/2021 14:27

I feel the same as you. 4 years divorced after being cheated on by ex of over 2 decades and who I considered to be love of my life. I'm seeing someone now and he's lovely but I still don't see me ever feeling fully committed and feel I'll always keep a piece of me back so as not to risk being destroyed again

ElArco · 10/07/2021 14:29

Yep, same.
It took three years of the OW being in and out of our lives before I finally walked away.

I'm ten years in to a relationship with a man who is everything to me, idolises me and would marry me tomorrow. We have a fantastic relationship where we even joke about the 'marriage' thing.
We live together but in my house. I want my independence. I don't want to have to rely on someone else's choices.
My ex threatening to move the OW in with us, coming home to find a 'for sale board' on our family home without knowing about it...all add up to not wanting my life destroyed by someone else who can.

Fireflygal · 10/07/2021 14:35

@OomphRidden, this is the situation'ship I am looking for. Does he want to progress or happy with status quo?

Turkishangora · 10/07/2021 14:36

@BillyRaywasapreachersson

Following my xh's affair (and many other issues) I've been divorced for over a decade, since I was 34. I have no intention of having another relationship. If I fancy a shag, I go and have one but there is no chance I'm getting involved with anyone again. I have no need to commit to anyone, I don't need financial support, emotional support or to be 'looked after'. I have a dc and have no interest in foisting someone on them either, they have a troubled relationship with their father, without me throwing another bloke into that mix. There is no reason to get into a relationship and there is no fucking way I will compromise even 1% of my life to work around a man ever again. I love being single, but it's not a popular view.
It's interesting you say that. If we split there's no way I'd ever commit ever again, and certainly would never be financially tied to someone. It's too much of a risk. A friend of mine finds this view a real challenge however and basically had a go at me stating I had no idea of the "hell" of being single that she went through before she met her current partner. We're mid 40s. However another friend split with her ex 10 years ago and has been happily single with friends with benefits arrangements since!! Some women really can't cope with the idea of other single women. I think they feel threatened by them. I can think of at least 2 friends who'd struggle with me being single and get quite jealous. Friend above experienced lots of animosity from school mums due to single status.
OomphRidden · 10/07/2021 14:51

@fireflygal he wants to progress, would move in/marry tomorrow but I've been absolutely clear that that is not on the table (we had a little trial three weeks of it recently - drove me batshit crazy, which I made very clear, while he was perfectly content!) So we are in a happy little bubble until he wakes up and realises that for him it doesn't work, at which point he will move on. I'm OK with that.

peterpanswife · 10/07/2021 17:44

Divorced for 5 years. Have FWB which is great but have absolutely zero interest in committing to someone again (I'm 50). I've become quite smug when when friends whinge and moan about their husbands, yet I"m as free as a bird to finally do anything I want !

Ambo21 · 10/07/2021 17:49

Marriage ran out of steam..divorced after several years of separation.. no aggro.. will simply never invest in one person ever again..have no interest in a relationship.. I am solely responsible for my own happiness and have discovered I am very good at it!!

TedMullins · 10/07/2021 18:04

I’ve never been married or divorced but I don’t think there’s such a thing as a ‘forever person’. You cannot possibly guarantee that you and another person will actively want to stay together for the rest of your lives. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago, and I don’t know who I’ll be or what I’ll want in 10 years from now. Marriage might legally trap you in a forever contract but it doesn’t mean you’ll have the same feelings forever. I don’t think it’s realistic. I think your attitude is healthy

MrsMaizel · 10/07/2021 20:30

@Yetigo3 It possibly is that he may not be the right one . Some women will remain this way "single " while others are very happy to get back on the horse . I like to think that I wasn't letting my twat of an ex affect my life to such an extent that I would never trust someone else again . However it is very different being young and single with kids living at home and being older and single and literally being on your own . Some people are happy leading solitary lives , others are more gregarious . I remarried a much better man than my first H. I tried the sex with no strings but it wasn't for me as I wanted more than that .As for "forever person" well you just can't say that about anyone .

Lbnc2021 · 10/07/2021 20:36

I feel exactly the same OP. I will never give any of my life away to another man. I’ve actually never been happier. I can’t see myself ever being in a committed relationship again. I will also not risk my children’s security and happiness by getting involved with another man, I’ve read too many threads on here where the mum is quite willing to throw their kids under a bus for the sake of having a man in their bed. I have a very close male friend who I have a regular sex life with but that’s as far as I’m happy to go. I can have the nice bits of him, the friendship, the company, the sex but I don’t need to put up with the crappy side, everyone has a crappy side! It would have been nice to have a lovely marriage and a life partner but I don’t and that’s that, I’ll make my own happiness.

blackcurrantjam · 10/07/2021 20:59

Totally resonates this. The thought of linking up with someone financially or house wise fills me with horror. It's early days but my stbxh did such a Jekyll and Hyde on me that I honestly think I will never trust a man again. I'm not saying I won't ever date or FWB or have a relationship but this divorce is proving to be so difficult and hideous that I won't risk living with/financially joining with a man again. Definitely not.

SortingItOut · 11/07/2021 07:18

I didn't have a bad divorce but I had a bad marriage.
I had 17years of emotional abuse and emotional affairs.
When I managed to end things (he threatened suicide all the time and I wasn't strong enough) I vowed to remain single forever.

I knew I would need a FWB or 2 so thats what I did, it was great to have someone for sex but also my own time and space.

One of those FWB is now my boyfriend but we have no plans to merge lives or merge families. He has a young son and wants to keep their home for them, my children are adults and likewise my house is their home and always will be.

We see each other 2 - 3 times a week and the rest of the time we do our own thing, he has his son 2 evenings a week and weekends. I love having weekends to myself, I meet up with friends and family or just do things at home.

We've been together nearly 2 years but I'm not 100% in, well neither is he to be fair, we're both emotionally unavailable and guarded (he was physically cheated on by his wife and the next girlfriend after her).
My heart is made of stone and I don't believe in love, we say we really like each other and thats it.
Do I trust him? No. Do I worry about what he is up to? No.
He has given me no reason to distrust him but I'll never trust a man again, if he cheats its not my fault and I'll just move on.

We are both just enjoying what we have with no pressure to be anything else, its exactly what I need and I can't see it ever changing.

anthurium · 11/07/2021 15:56

What a really interesting thread, and some responses which have really resonated with me!

I'm currently pregnant via IVF, using sperm donor (got completely bored and disillusioned looking for a suitable partner to have a famioy with), so I'm in a different position to most of the posters on here.

I was married (short marriage) and we got divorced 4 years ago, it was uneventful and fairy amicable, but it's the disappointment of relationships in general (the marriage as well the subsequent ones) which is making me re-evalaute what I'd like in the future, once I've settled in to motherhood etc. I keep thinking I'll be open to a relationship but at the same time, I cannot fathom any more compromise (having been let down so many times). Some sort of exclusive and monogamous set-up without being on the 'relationship escalator' (ie moving in, marriage, more children) would suit? I've tried the 'conventional' route and it simply didn't work out for me, and I don't want to feel demoralized ever again because of a man or the fact a relationship has failed.

Maydaybankholiday · 11/07/2021 17:02

Yes I feel exactly the same. Never going to pour so much energy into another person and I can't ever imagine living with someone again.
My big fear is feeling that trapped feeling again. The sense of freedom is amazing just now I'd hate to ever feel like I'm stuck with him and there's no way out again!

Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 11/07/2021 18:14

I'm feeling differently. Only 10 mo post separation after 22 years together and I'm terrified of getting hurt again. But. You only live once and when I do fall in love again (I've met someone and can see it happening) I know I will want to go 'all in' and be truly emotionally vulnerable. Note: emotionally vulnerable. I wouldn't be stupid with money and property ever again!!!

AutumnColours9 · 11/07/2021 18:32

I also had a horror divorce and 2 yr later have no wish to get in another relationship. Wouldn't have time for a start as I am the sole involved parent doing everything myself. I enjoy my kids my dog my house and my job. I don't need anything else.

blackcurrantjam · 12/07/2021 10:26

@Maydaybankholiday

Yes I feel exactly the same. Never going to pour so much energy into another person and I can't ever imagine living with someone again. My big fear is feeling that trapped feeling again. The sense of freedom is amazing just now I'd hate to ever feel like I'm stuck with him and there's no way out again!
Totally get that. Ok feel so lucky that eventually mine moved out. He threatened to move back in a one point and the fear and horror this caused in me was palpable. Im not sure I'd ever risk not being able to get someone out it was so bad Shock. He was lovely for years it felt like and then did such an about turn I'm not sure I could ever trust that someone nice wouldn't do the same and then I might not be able to get rid. Much easier to not join finances/property. I'm not out of the divorce yet and so maybe I'll feel differently down the road but tbh I can't see it happening. I cannot wait to have my own place with the kids and the dogs and I can't see that I would ever want to compromise on that. Ever.