After bad divorce, does anyone else feel they will never allow themselves to fully commit to someone again?

[Yetigo3]

Divorced 2 years ago after ex had an affair, very traumatic, still trying to process it all, the hurt and pain comes in waves.

Dating someone new for 6 months, really lovely man, kind, caring, selfless and very understanding of my feelings.

If I had met him before I had ever met ex husband I’m I would have been jumping for joy as he is everything I’m looking for.

However I actually scoff at the idea of ever thinking someone is going to be my forever person again. I feel like I will never allow myself to fully commit to someone in a completely serious way. I enjoy seeing my new boyfriend but I take it day by day, we plan trips etc but I don’t like thinking too far into the future.

Surely this isn’t the right way to think? I feel bad for my boyfriend and have told him this, but genuinely the only person I see being in my life forever is my son.

Makes me sad to think this as I was such a romantic before. My friend has said maybe my boyfriend just isn’t the right person and that’s why I feel like this but I honestly feel like I would say the same no matter who it is

The only downside to being divorced/relationship-free is that usually you have to spend your life digging out of the hole the bad marriage left you in.

Far less risky living alone and building networks. Why jump into another hole?

Really interesting perspectives here thank you!

I’m 2 years out of a 22yr marriage which finally descended into emotional and sometimes physical abuse to me and the dcs.

I will never tie myself to someone through property or finances but feel like a committed relationship sometime although the thought of dating is quite terrifying. Having said that, I am also loving being free and single!

My daughter was laughing with me about how much I have enjoyed “no mow May” and having a wild lawn after 22 years with a lawn mowing obsessive!!

2 divorces behind me now, and I have finally learned that, for me, marriage is too much of a compromise.
I love the peace and tranquility of living alone and doing what I want to do all the time. I never want to have to tip-toe around someone else's moods again. I have a relationship that's fine, but I suspect that I would now find it impossible to fully commit to anyone ever again - I've realised how bloody lovely it is living alone.

@GremlinDolphin4 yes, not having to live with someone else's concept of what makes a lovely garden is bliss! Every single decision I make in the garden is mine and mine alone now. The wild patch down the middle of my lawn makes me so happy!

@barbrahunter. I’m still married but I do agree— I feel ‘obliged’ to do lots of things rather than want to in life and have decided because of compromises that marriage for many can actually be quite boring- especially when older and no kids around simply because so many feel they can’t just do stuff they want without a lot of asking/bargaining/justifying

I don't mean to sound selfish and I think that I tried to be considerate when I was married, but it was never easy. I'm glad to be free. Splitting up causes all kinds of pain at the time (although less pain the second time around - almost as if I were used to splitting up by then). Do you think that you will stay married? @Crikeyalmighty

I wanted the full works for such a long time but now I was happy on my own and I'm happy dating. I will never share my home or finances with a man ever again.

I have worked too hard and too long to have to give any of it away.

I'm joining the thread as I feel the same after splitting six years ago. I have a great life with lots of friends and two wonderful FWBs in the past. I've got everything I've ever wanted, and I won't compromise on it for anyone.

@barbrahunter. Not really sure- there are other issues on his side too — an old emotional affair, a daily secretive porn habit— it’s like I’m with someone after20 odd years that I dont quite recognise — but I am a pragmatist, we aren’t asset rich , do get on as such day to day and I’m coming up 60 — the big thing for me though is I’m really no longer interested in sex -But he really is — For a long time I’ve kind of made myself be so now and then and am finding it difficult mentally— it’s very difficult as I know it wouldn’t be what he wanted— he was distraught when he thought I might leave after finding out about the old emotional affair thing— but to be honest it totally changed how I saw him as I saw the stuff he wrote etc about it .

Sister was very vocal about never being able to trust anyone ever again when her husband cheated on her.
That was a few years ago now. She got married again this year.
It's absolutely normal and understandable to feel "never again" ... And to change your mind later on.