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Original poster

Ex seeing kids

30 replies

Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 12:28

Hi I did add this to my other thread. But thought it might be better to make a new one after all. But there is a link. So might be helpful to scan my other thread.

So yesterday ex asked if he can have the 5 and 6 year old at weekends. I said he needs to give me a bit of time to get my head round it . I told him a few of my concerns. Which are when the children don't know which way their shoes go. Or that one is still in pull ups at night. He has a go at them about how they should know theses things he should not have to do it for them. He has a go at the 6 year old for still being in pull ups. He has his blue tooth in all the time he cant hear anything they say . They say dad dad ×20 times. Then I have to give him a tap on his knee to get his attention. Couple days ago he picked the kids up from school with me . 6 year old got in the car all proud that he made bread at school. And their dad gos oh yeah load of crap. He does no actual parenting. If he says to them let's pop to the shop . He tells them to get their self ready. He does not lift a finger to help them. And when they get it wrong he has a go at them. I know it sounds petty but I'm worried about them mentally and emotionally?

When I pointed this out to them. I thought he would say I will be more careful. But he just said. I'm not going down that Road. I hope one day you will let me see them. So to me he gave up just like that?

OP posts:
Fruityloopsy · 10/07/2021 12:34

You'll know from them if they like being with their Dad or not. If they're excited to see him, great. If they don't... then also fine.

Also, why are you upset he took no for an answer? Were you looking for drama with him?

Original poster
Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 12:38

@Fruityloopsy

You'll know from them if they like being with their Dad or not. If they're excited to see him, great. If they don't... then also fine.

Also, why are you upset he took no for an answer? Were you looking for drama with him?

What do you mean he took no for an answer?
OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/07/2021 12:41

Tell him you weren't going down any road but wanted to talk to him about practical things that would make his having the kids more enjoyable for everyone.

Tell him that's how co parenting works. You each have to put the needs of the kids above anything else, including your own feelings about each other.

He needs to be open to conversation about their care and you need to loosen the reins a little bit. Basically let him learn how to be a proper parent. Listen to your kids, they'll let you know if they need help.

Good luck with both sides of that!

Cabinfever10 · 10/07/2021 12:42

Does he want them every weekend or just some and is he looking for overnight access?
If he's just wanting to see them during the day for a couple of hours at the weekend it sounds like a reasonable request.
However if he is expecting to have them overnight for the whole weekend every weekend I'd be saying no as you will never get to spend any quality/fun time with them and it's completely unreasonable for him to expect that the normal arrangements are every other weekend and 1 day mid week usually after school

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/07/2021 12:43

Why do you think he asked to have them, since he clearly doesn't like them? Do you think he's got a new GF on the scene and she's said "When do you see your kids" and he's tried to act like a caring dad. But when you said "I've got concerns" he was like "PHEW! No parenting for me, and I can tell my new GF that my ex is an evil cow who won't let me see them! Now I look good AND can spend all my free time pleasing myself!"

Original poster
Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 12:51

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Tell him you weren't going down any road but wanted to talk to him about practical things that would make his having the kids more enjoyable for everyone.

Tell him that's how co parenting works. You each have to put the needs of the kids above anything else, including your own feelings about each other.

He needs to be open to conversation about their care and you need to loosen the reins a little bit. Basically let him learn how to be a proper parent. Listen to your kids, they'll let you know if they need help.

Good luck with both sides of that!

Yes I agree. When I said what I did. I thought he would just say he will be a bit more careful. But he came out with lm not going down that Road hopefully you will let me see them one day. it was not even said in an argument either. So I don't understand why he responded in that way. To me that means he not bothered about seeing them?
OP posts:
Original poster
Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 12:57

@Cabinfever10

Does he want them every weekend or just some and is he looking for overnight access? If he's just wanting to see them during the day for a couple of hours at the weekend it sounds like a reasonable request. However if he is expecting to have them overnight for the whole weekend every weekend I'd be saying no as you will never get to spend any quality/fun time with them and it's completely unreasonable for him to expect that the normal arrangements are every other weekend and 1 day mid week usually after school
Its very new we only split on Thursday although we never actually lived together. He would not be able to have them every weekend anyway because of work. I'm happy to be flexible anyway as long as it works around school etc... its not that he wants to see them its how he treats them what he expects of them and that he can't be arsed to take his blue tooth out so he can actually have a conversation with them. And that he has a go at them in they can't do somthing because he thinks they should be able to. Basically he cabt be arsed ti help them. So instead of thinking yeah I'm a lazy arse. He puts it onto them by telling them you should be able to do your shoes. You should not be on a pull up. Etc etc.
OP posts:
Original poster
Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 13:04

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Why do you think he asked to have them, since he clearly doesn't like them? Do you think he's got a new GF on the scene and she's said "When do you see your kids" and he's tried to act like a caring dad. But when you said "I've got concerns" he was like "PHEW! No parenting for me, and I can tell my new GF that my ex is an evil cow who won't let me see them! Now I look good AND can spend all my free time pleasing myself!"
No he 100% does not have a new gf. We only spilt on Thursday after having a lovely day together that got ruined. It's my 14 year old that he does not like not his 2. But yes I think he's probably told all of his family/parents that I have stopped him seeing the kids. Same as he's probably said everything is all down to my 14 year old . Probably has not told them yeah I admitted I don't like him and never will.

I don't want to stop him seeing them just want to know they are looked after and are mentally and emotionally ok.

OP posts:
Geanna2 · 10/07/2021 13:12

Out of interest why is the 6 year old still wearing nappies?

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 13:21

You need to sort contact. You can't withhold it just because you don't like his approach.

If the pull ups thing is an issue, discuss him having them on Saturday all day and not having the overnight?

If the shoes are an issue, write L & R in them so they can put their shoes on the right feet?

There are really simple and obvious solutions here.

Fruityloopsy · 10/07/2021 13:24

@Geanna2

Out of interest why is the 6 year old still wearing nappies?
I wondered this too.
Original poster
Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 14:06

@Geanna2

Out of interest why is the 6 year old still wearing nappies?
Hes in pull ups not nappys. At 6 years old it's still under the normal zone at night time . But he does have autism. So is behinde in development
OP posts:
Original poster
Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 14:08

@girlmom21

You need to sort contact. You can't withhold it just because you don't like his approach.

If the pull ups thing is an issue, discuss him having them on Saturday all day and not having the overnight?

If the shoes are an issue, write L & R in them so they can put their shoes on the right feet?

There are really simple and obvious solutions here.

I do get what you mean on the practical side of it they are non issues. But its how he makes them feel emotionally/mentally for not being able to do theses things . I mean how are they going to feel if they are told they are stupid or they should be doing it etc. Probably that they are not good enough? And I don't want them to feel that way
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 10/07/2021 14:13

Writing l and r in shoes is a great idea if they know there left from there right

What about a picture in every left shoe none in the right?

The pull up is a non issue either he provides and supports a pull up overnight or he cleans up the piss

Original poster
Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 14:19

@Theunamedcat

Writing l and r in shoes is a great idea if they know there left from there right

What about a picture in every left shoe none in the right?

The pull up is a non issue either he provides and supports a pull up overnight or he cleans up the piss

The shoe sticker or the L/R thing would not work. Unless I was to put a L/R on their feet as well.

But also its not about that they don't know what way their shoes go or that one is still in a pull up . It's how he will make them feel about it. If ds went without a pull up and he wet the bed. Ex would probably tell him off .

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 14:23

@Rightdecison teach your 5 year old that your left thumb and forefinger make an L shape, that's how you know it's the left, and the L and R will work.

He shouldn't be telling them off for things like getting that wrong but it's still easily fixable.

Being alone with them less regularly may well also encourage him to be calmer and more patient with them.

Do they want to see him?

Geanna2 · 10/07/2021 14:27

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FawnFrenchieMum · 10/07/2021 14:28

To some degree I think he’s right in that you baby them. I would expect 4&6 year olds to at least make an attempt at getting their shoes on. (For my daughter, I got a sticker that cut in half in each shoe so put together makes a full picture to shoe they are the right way for example).

I would work on starting with an afternoon each weekend and see how that’s working out and go from there.

He probably said he’s not going down that road as he doesn’t want an argument. You can’t stop him seeing them purely because he parents differently to you.

Fireflygal · 10/07/2021 14:31

Do the L shape with their left hand.

If you are leaving a man who has no emotional intelligence and is selfish then he isn't suddenly going to change. All you can do is limit the impact on the children. That means teach them boundaries, build their self esteem and ensure they feel loved. Their dad will offer them something different to your parenting but it won't be the same as you. It has to be "good enough".

From your other thread the 14 year old has had years of this man being horrible to him so I think he needs the most care to rebuild the damage done. Put lots of focus there.

I think his comment to you is that he won't go down the road of abiding by your rules. You are not together, if he didn't listen to you when together he is hardly going to start taking your advice now. This is just the reality.

Encourage a day when he can see the children and leave it up to him. You trusted him before Thursday so no reason not to continue now.

Original poster
Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 14:31

[quote girlmom21]@Rightdecison teach your 5 year old that your left thumb and forefinger make an L shape, that's how you know it's the left, and the L and R will work.

He shouldn't be telling them off for things like getting that wrong but it's still easily fixable.

Being alone with them less regularly may well also encourage him to be calmer and more patient with them.

Do they want to see him? [/quote]
That's a good idea.

They have not asked. But its only Thursday that we split abd there's always 3-5 days that he might not see them anyway so we are still within thar bracket.

But yes they will still want to see him. Even if he was horrible to them they would still want to.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 10/07/2021 14:32

@Geanna2

It doesn't really matter what you call them, they are still nappies. It does seem more than just a little behind at 6 years old, even with autism most children would be dry at night at that age. I can sort of understand a parent being a bit frustrated by that.
"Most children" is bloody insulting tbh

I've known neurotypical children in pull ups at age 7/8 meanwhile my neurodivergent child was dry day and night instantly at three her brother was day dry at two night dry at four

It depends on the child not "normality" or common perception because not many parents admit to having a problem and doctors won't deal with it at young ages

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 14:33

I'd personally give him the contact he's asking for. If he proves he's not competent enough to look after them, you know you've done right by the children in letting him try.

Hopefully things go smoothly and you'll be able to have a little bit of you time while you get yourself back on track Smile

Original poster
Rightdecison · 10/07/2021 14:42

@Geanna2

It doesn't really matter what you call them, they are still nappies. It does seem more than just a little behind at 6 years old, even with autism most children would be dry at night at that age. I can sort of understand a parent being a bit frustrated by that.
Wow.
OP posts:
crazycatladyx · 10/07/2021 15:12

@Geanna2

It doesn't really matter what you call them, they are still nappies. It does seem more than just a little behind at 6 years old, even with autism most children would be dry at night at that age. I can sort of understand a parent being a bit frustrated by that.
Well that's bollocks.

I work with an Enuresis clinic. There are about half a million kids and teens in the uk still bedwetting at night. Pull-ups are a totally normal way of dealing with it.

AlternativePerspective · 10/07/2021 15:23

OP you need to slow down.

You only split up on Thursday and already you’re deciding he can’t see the DC based on the way you believe they should be parented.

Fact is you’re no longer together. And as long as there is no abuse how he parents is for him to deal with.

It does sound as if you baby them a lot. A 6 year old should know which is left and right as should a 4 year old TBH. They shouldn’t still need help putting shoes on at that age, just to use 1 example.

But all that aside, there are plenty of posters on here who say that their ex’s are now better parents now that they’re apart than together, because they have had to parent their children.

It will be far better for you to work out an amicable arrangement for access because if you don’t then he could go to court, and he will win, with overnights and possibly even 50/50 access. His not helping the children put their shoes on the wrong feet just won’t fly in court in terms of a reason to withhold access.

So if you can agree it without having to go down that route then it will be better for everyone involved. 7

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