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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Massive row with dp

28 replies

Cailindeas35 · 10/07/2021 11:11

Morning all

For background I have major trust issues, stemming from childhood and a abusive relationship.
I stupidly this morning said this morning I didn't trust him. We are together 7 years and he has never done anything to make me not trust him.
He went mad and jumped out of bed, saying to get my kids and go if I don't trust him. I'm staying in his house for the weekend. It escalated and I started packing up, saying I'd leave and never come back. Then he back tracked and said he didn't say that, now I'm sitting in his house packed, waiting to wake my teenagers up, to go home.
He has took off like a lunatic I'm assuming to the mart.

My dilemma is what do I do, do I go home, or do I wait for him to return.
Many thks
Sorry its rambling

OP posts:

OrchestraOfWankery · 10/07/2021 11:17

Go home. Let him miss you. He overreacted, wonder why? You must address your trust issues, unless your spidey senses are tingling?

Roblox01 · 10/07/2021 11:18

It sounds like you caused this. Apologise or leave?

Original poster

Cailindeas35 · 10/07/2021 11:25

It's totally my fault, I had an inkling of something with a work colleague of his, my feeling was that it was a crush, but could have moved to something else. She left the work place, and he had a severe case of mentionitis about her. But as I said I don't trust my own judgement. It could be my trust issues I'm always on high alert. That was a year ago now.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2021 11:28

The whole relationship sounds unhealthy.

Do go home. Think about what you want, and if he's the person who can provide it.

Think about the reasons for your trust issues.

Telling him you don't trust him for no reason isn't great; him flaring up & telling you to leave is equally not great.

Time to properly assess.

PiggyMelon · 10/07/2021 11:31

So you're punishing him for your own past, which has nothing to do with him?

Have you apologised?

Have you have any therapy for your own issues?

Original poster

Cailindeas35 · 10/07/2021 11:39

Yes, I am I have had some therapy but I need more. Lots of it, currently on a waiting list.

I haven't apologised as he took off, but I plan to. And I'm going home, ye are right this isn't healthy or fair. Time to fix myself and focus only on that.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2021 11:41

Time to fix myself and focus only on that.
I mean, sure. But your 'D'P isn't too D at all.

He could address what you said without telling you & DC to go like this.

Don't be putting all this on yourself.

Datsandcogs · 10/07/2021 11:47

Wake the teens and leave.

spotcheck · 10/07/2021 11:50

How many times have you said you don't trust him?
Did you ever talk about the issue with the colleague?

Original poster

Cailindeas35 · 10/07/2021 11:54

He could address it, but he won't he will eventually cool off. It will be ignored and around and around we go. I'm tired of it, I just want a nice quiet life. I'm prepared to address my problems, once and for all. But he isn't perfect either. I'm waking the teenagers and going. I can't wait here in this atmosphere.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2021 12:05

@Cailindeas35

Then end it.

Cloudninenine · 10/07/2021 12:08

It’s horrible to say you don’t trust him without a basis, but his reaction was totally over the top and I think that’s a red flag.

I would stay to talk to him and to apologise for saying you don’t trust him, but also if he isn’t going to acknowledge his part in escalating this to such a row, I think you need to think carefully about whether he’s someone you want to be with.

litterbird · 10/07/2021 12:14

I am afraid I would be absolutely furious if my partner accused me of not being trust worthy for no apparent reason. That just isn't fair at all. I have a feeling he has reacted like this because you have probably said this before and he has tried to allay your fears over it as he hasn't done anything. This might have been the last straw for him. If you dont feel you can trust him due to your relationship history that doesn't include him then it may be best to let him go. You must go back to get more counselling as your next relationship will be the same. By all means apologise for this and he will probably too but leave him alone now to get on with his life without thinking you don't trust him. That is an unhealthy relationship.

updownroundandround · 10/07/2021 12:20

@Cailindeas35

The history behind this is just a red herring.

OP, you are correct in saying the whole relationship is 'unhealthy'.

It really is time to focus on yourself and your DC, because you don't want them seeing this 'relationship' as something to aspire to, do you ?

Leave and go home. You can tell him it's permanently over tomorrow, once you've both calmed down.

Cabinfever10 · 10/07/2021 12:27

🚩 alert
He has massively overreacted, why do that if he's got nothing to hide?
I would leave even if you chose to work on the relationship today is not the right time and you dc shouldn't have to be in the sort of environment you're describing

OrchestraOfWankery · 10/07/2021 12:43

Ah, the work colleague and mentionitis......He's feeling guilty hence the overreaction.

Agree with pps. This is not a healthy relationship for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2021 12:49

It’s not his responsibility to compensate for your issues from your past. You can’t just randomly say you don’t trust someone with no basis and expect them to be okay with that.

Given what you’ve said to mitigate your behaviour I’d be surprised if this is the first time it’s happened.

Maybe he’s just had enough.

Go home. You shouldn’t be in a relationship at all if you think this is an acceptable way to behave. You certainly shouldn’t be involving your children. They don’t need this drama.

Nicolastuffedone · 10/07/2021 14:51

Maybe he’s fed up with you being suspicious all the time?? Do you question him/seek reassurance a lot?

Original poster

Cailindeas35 · 10/07/2021 15:01

I have gone home, and I'm glad I did. I have needed reassuring a lot, as did he. We both have a background of trust issues. I had learned to totally trust til the issue with the work colleague, there was secrecy with his phone, not engaged in our relationship at all. Very distant, the mentionitis, also a change in coming into my house, he no longer came and stayed with me in the week.
It's not just my trust issues, I felt there was a basis for my suspicion. But it has boiled over, because I doubt myself and don't trust my instincts.
Thks to everyone who posted. I have lots of things to work on for me, and my children.

OP posts:

SarahBellam · 10/07/2021 15:04

If my partner said to me what you said to yours I'd be off. It's really hurtful and insulting. I don't think he overreacted at all. If a woman had posted about her partner accusing her of cheating on him without any evidence - everyone on here would tell her to LTB. Is it the first time you've done it?

Original poster

Cailindeas35 · 10/07/2021 15:06

And it's the only time I've said I don't trust him, I'm aware of my issues and have worked hard not to let them get in the way, but I couldn't ask him about the colleague because I was afraid of the answer. So I buried my head in the sand til I couldn't anymore. Another problem of mine avoiding conflict.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 10/07/2021 15:09

Sounds like you have had every reason not to trust him.

Well done for going home.

You and your children do not need an unhealthy relationship.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 10/07/2021 15:17

It does sound like there was a reason not to trust him, and that's partly why he blew his top. I think you've done the right thing

Haffdonga · 10/07/2021 15:22

It's totally my fault

I can't actually see that you did anything wrong here.You honestly admitted you didn't trust him (and it sounds like you have some justification). So he kicks off and demands you leave. Why exactly should you be apologising and accepting any fault here?

Ask yourself how a trustworthy man could/should have responded to your fears. Perhaps he'd have been been upset, perhaps he'd have tried to understand where the worries were coming from, perhaps tried to reassure you, perhaps talked honestly about Mentionitis Woman or made it clear that your worries were unfounded.

But losing it completely and 'taking off like a lunatic'? Sorry, but that's not the actions of someone who I'd trust much either.

JustAnotherOldMan · 10/07/2021 17:41

If my partner said she didn’t trust me, I wouldn’t explode like that, and would certainly like to dig into the reasons behind this, BUT it would certainly sow a seed of doubt about the relationship in general

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