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Relationships

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Original poster

To think my boyfriend was just looking for an excuse to dump me?

32 replies

laffytaffy · 10/07/2021 09:34

We've been together since December last year, things have been pretty smooth sailing bar some minor disagreements. We've had a couple of arguments but nothing major. One thing that has caused a couple of arguments, is when he is at a work event, he will get carried away, meaning he has three times texted me last minute and let me down on our plans. On one occasion he'd arranged for me to come over to his place, only to text an hour before I was due to go to his asking if I'd mind waiting an extra hour. I said I did mind, and we didn't end up seeing each other that night. Similar circumstance has happened twice. Then again last week, he text saying he wasn't going to make it for the time we'd arranged as he couldn't leave any sooner and could I meet him an hour later again. This time, I got annoyed and said he'd never planned to meet me at the agreed time and I could've made alternative plans (I'd been invited out with my friends). Also I don't fancy meeting him late at night! I said that next time he is at a work function, not to make simultaneous plans with me because I'm not here to be messed around... Anyway, he sent me a text the following morning breaking up with me as he feels I am too demanding, controlling and I remind him of his exes who had issues with this behaviour too!!

He was looking for any excuse to dump, right? I don't really feel I've done much wrong!

OP posts:

YarnOver · 10/07/2021 09:41

I'm not sure why an extra hour is such a problem to be fair, you're not being very accommodating.
But then if you have a problem with that then that's your call. I personally wouldn't and I think you're being picky. He obviously had an issue and didn't want to be with someone who couldn't be flexible. I'm with him I'm afraid

attachmentstyles12 · 10/07/2021 09:41

You haven’t done anything wrong. He’s not in the right headspace for a proper relationship. He’s selfish and inconsiderate.

You’re better off without and can now find a partner who will be reliable and put you first.

Glumdalclitch · 10/07/2021 09:42

You’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t sit about adjusting my plans to be someone else’s post-work do fallback.

Shoxfordian · 10/07/2021 09:51

I’d dump him as well for being unreliable and not prioritising plans with you

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 09:52

If you know he's at a work event you'd know there's a chance it'd run later than planned.

I think he's right - you're quite demanding and inflexible.

It's different to if he'd made plans with you then just chosen not to get out of bed or decided to go to the pub instead.

Pinknoise · 10/07/2021 09:54

Yes he would have continued to mess you about with arrangements so best to call it a day. He won’t change especially if he did the same in previous relationships.

magicstar1 · 10/07/2021 09:55

No, you’re right. The extra is not a problem as a one off…but this is a regular thing. He keeps leaving you waiting as some sort of backup plan. You’re better off out of it anyway.

tortoiselover100 · 10/07/2021 09:56

The two of you aren't suited, next.

Yellowcrockpot · 10/07/2021 09:58

Your future MN posts would read like this:

"DH always priorities nights out with work over the DC and I. Had an awful day wirh DC and needed some support, he said he would be home at 7pm, but then text me saying he wouldn't be back until 9pm... when I told him how this wasn't acceptable and I was struggling, he told me i was being controlling and abusive. This has happened several times this month alone! Am I BU?"

...........Lucky escape, who cares what he was planning - to dump you or not? He's unreliable and clearly doesn't like you that much to keep changing the goal posts.

Once prehaps, acceptable. To change meet time, and not ending up seeing you at all? With no apologies.

Yeah, waste no more time or space on this one!

Longdistance · 10/07/2021 09:59

He’s stood you up then? He’s done you a favour, grab it by both hands and thank your lucky stars that this unreliable twat isn’t in your life.

imacuddler · 10/07/2021 10:01

Next!
You aren't suited.
As a one off changing plans is fine but he has continued to show he can't stick to plans.
I wouldn't like it either.
The comment he made about other girlfriends shows they got fed up too!

ATowelAndAPotato · 10/07/2021 10:01

I don’t really understand why you both kept making plans to meet after work events that clearly always run late.

YANBU to be fed up of having plans changed last minute but YABU to keep agreeing to the plans and then moaning about it. And sounds like you were quite annoyed when you finally did tell him not to make simultaneous plans, rather than just explaining that you’d prefer to meet up on a different night?

I get that it doesn’t feel like he is prioritising you over work, that’s either the job he is in (which he may not have control over), or work is just more important to him.

Either way, it doesn’t sound like you two are a good fit, which is a shame if you are happy in other respects, but it’s not going to change, so time for you to move on and find someone who can give you what you need.

Santanomore · 10/07/2021 10:03

@girlmom21

If you know he's at a work event you'd know there's a chance it'd run later than planned.

I think he's right - you're quite demanding and inflexible.

It's different to if he'd made plans with you then just chosen not to get out of bed or decided to go to the pub instead.

I'm thinking this. If you knew it ran over the first time, surely it's just better to say the next time you wouldn't bother meeting up with him afterwards because of what happened last time.

TBH, neither of you sounded like you worked well together, or could see the others point of view, so probably best it ended.

quizqueen · 10/07/2021 10:12

So, he is saying all his past relationships end because of this behaviour. He just prefers partying. Move on from him.

Aprilx · 10/07/2021 11:24

No I don’t think he was looking for an excuse, I think he genuinely finds you inflexible and I can see why that would be so. Beside the point but I find it odd that you would arrange to meet up the night of a work do in the first place.

SilverRoe · 10/07/2021 11:30

It’s he’s to say. How important are these work events to his job? I think an hour later would have been fine and then say ok let’s not book in anything on nights you have work events. But it didn’t work for you and you let him know - that didn’t work for him and he let you know so really it’s most a matter of being incompatible rather than looking for an excuse.

OhRene · 10/07/2021 11:41

Anyway, he sent me a text the following morning breaking up with me as he feels I am too demanding, controlling and I remind him of his exes who had issues with this behaviour too!!

It sounds like he doesn't realise that HE is the problem here. Having you sit at home and wait around for him when he changes meeting times on you is a power thing. He is having control over you by having you hang on, doing nothing but count the minutes until he decides you can see him.

As someone has said, your future posts would be grim. Being upset that your DH is opting out of family life by turning up home when it suits him, having you and the kids waiting around for him to get home so you can go on the family day out hours later than planned.

OP you've had a lucky break here. RUN

happytoday73 · 10/07/2021 11:45

'Fine.. It seems like lots of women don't like sitting in waiting for you... Wishing you luck and happiness.. Goodbye'

Fountaining · 10/07/2021 11:50

@happytoday73

'Fine.. It seems like lots of women don't like sitting in waiting for you... Wishing you luck and happiness.. Goodbye'

Indeed.

Northernsoullover · 10/07/2021 11:51

Wow, no way would I hang around for anyone. You are not the problem OP. In my book an arrangement is an arrangement and cars breaking down or traffic jams aside its fucking rude to mess you around.

Lollypop701 · 10/07/2021 11:55

He is too flaky and inconsiderate… effectively you are little woman in the corner that he can pick up and put down at will. His wants come first. When you point out he’s being a twat, it’s your fault. Well out of it op

Bluntness100 · 10/07/2021 11:57

Does it matter? It wasn’t working. Best it’s ended.

burnoutbabe · 10/07/2021 12:15

Ad we often say here, women have the perfect right to just leave their partner fir any reason they want. It doesn't have to be. "Reasonable" (well maybe if married/have kids)

So same for him as well. It's not working for him, hence best for him to move on

Elieza · 10/07/2021 12:35

So he’s having such a good time with them that he doesn’t want to leave. Shouda not said he see you after based on what happened previously.

As a pp said, this type of behaviour seems something he thinks is fine and if you did get together and had kids etc he could well continue prioritising other things over you (and any kids you may have together in the future).

While this may be ok sometimes he seems to be very laid back about timings and not really interested in your feelings on the subject.

Breaking up was the right choice. He will likely continue going through partners at a fair rate of knots until he finds one able to put up with his bad manners and inconsiderate behaviour.

I wouldn’t be putting up with it and I’d have dumped him myself tbh.

You deserve better.

Strawberrysaxifrage1 · 10/07/2021 15:51

Well... im not sure hes looked for an excuse exactly but it does sound like you weren't compatible on problem solving which has caused repeated conflict and would have made things bumpy down the line if you had things to negotiate such as moving in together, family etc.

If everything else was good and it was just these work events that was the problem then think the workaround here would have been to not meet on the nights he had these events, which sound as though they're every month or two, not weekly.

You mention he said he couldn't leave, this might have been true in the company culture even if its an unwritten rule. These things can be quite difficult to negotiate if so.

Im not making excuses for him. His reaction was odd, and seems as though he's aware of the issue and should manage it better, probably by letting you know beforehand 'I'd love to see you on Friday but these things can really drag on and it's bit difficult to slip out/ everyone gets chatting and I tend to lose track of time. Do you mind playing it a bit by ear regarding the time or do you want to go out and we can do another night?'.

However, it's great that you have strong boundaries, but also I would expect to be a bit flexible after a work event as these things can overrun. At least the first time. Then you could have said 'no, I'd prefer to meet on Saturday as your functions never finish at the time you say they will'.

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