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Original poster

He won't tell exW about me - what to do?

50 replies

HotDog86 · 10/07/2021 09:20

I've been in a relationship with a man for around 2 years. We see each other a couple of times a week, the rest of the time we both have work/kids, all good. We are both divorced.

Things started slowly, so I didn't notice his situation with his exW (divorced 5 years). She phones him daily, not just about kids, about general things in life (not a major issue, I'm OK with my exh too). She has a partner but it seems a volatile situation with him, they argue a lot and bf doesn't like the impact on the kids. Recently she asked her exH (my bf) if he would like to try again with a relationship. He told her no, so she found another bf, then split up again, it seems like attention seeking by her maybe (eg a lot of drama, one minute she's marrying someone, next she's dumped them etc). Now she's back with the 'long-term' partner who she argues with a lot.

My issue is this - my relationship with bf is stable and generally happy. So for the past six months or so I've asked my bf (her exh) if he would like to introduce kids to me and that obviously means telling his exW that he has a gf/partner. He says yes he wants to introduce kids, then never sets a date. I dont pressure him at all, he's free to say no (kids are teens). He said the issue is with ex wife, as she will become very difficult and that will impact kids. She does seem maybe a bit obsessed with him (she has allegedly harassed female friends of his in the past) but I think he's not helping matters at all by appearing 'single', available and not to have moved on. In her defense, I can't say for sure what he says/does regarding her as obviously that's between them. It may be that if she knew he had a girlfriend she would just move on herself, although divorcing should probably be enough of a signal that a relationship is over!

Any thoughts or experience of similar situations much appreciated, it seems like my bf is avoiding dealing with this situation.

BTW I've also said to him before that if he wants to be with his exW he should, he insists he doesnt want to though, that's why he divorced her...

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 10/07/2021 09:23

It almost sounds like he's in an emotional affair with his ex wife! Very unhealthy and very bad for you if you ask me.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship where after two years I'd not met his kids.

6 months to 10 months is more normal/reasonable.

As his kids are teens, surely they can arrange their own access with their Dad now?

Mine are 13 and 16 and honestly cannot imagine having any part in their arrangements with their own Dad if we'd split up.

How old are his kids?

Original poster
HotDog86 · 10/07/2021 09:29

I agree, it is a bit like an emotional affair with the exW! His kids are 13 and 14, there's no access issue, he has them 50% of the time.

OP posts:
IknowThisIsRidiculous · 10/07/2021 09:33

I don't think the ex would be my issue. I would question how serious he is about me and where the relationship was going if he didn't feel comfortable introducing me to his kids after 2 years.

TooWicked · 10/07/2021 09:35

Have you met any of his friends or family?

Original poster
HotDog86 · 10/07/2021 09:37

@IknowThisIsRidiculous I agree, its just he's using the exW reaction as an 'excuse' not to introduce the kids. Who are teenagers and probably not very interested either way!

OP posts:
Original poster
HotDog86 · 10/07/2021 09:38

@TooWicked I've met his mum

OP posts:
TooWicked · 10/07/2021 09:42

[quote HotDog86]@TooWicked I've met his mum[/quote]
And that’s it? Just his mum? I bet there’s no sign of you on any of his social media (if he has it) either.

I don’t think this relationship is going anywhere, sorry. I’m sure the pandemic has served him well too with plenty of reasons why you can’t meet anyone.

You’re basically a secret girlfriend after 2 years.

PearlNextDoor · 10/07/2021 09:45

So he has the DC 50% of the time. Have they seen you?

Or are you ushered off the scene?

I once dated a man not for long, but he had met my children but he seem absolutely determined that his children not know about me. It did put me off him, and even though he wasn't a bad guy, I regret that ''relationship''.

PearlNextDoor · 10/07/2021 09:47

Good question about social media. I'm guessing there is no trace of you on his facebook.

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 09:47

2 years is a really long time to commit to someone who's not willing to commit to you...

Has he met your kids?

Original poster
HotDog86 · 10/07/2021 10:26

No I'm not on his social media as a girlfriend, he doesnt seem to use it though. I dont think he's seeing anyone else. He met my kids once, it went very well, but I haven't asked him again as he hasn't given me a date for meeting his kids.

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 10/07/2021 10:27

His kids are clearly subjected to a parade of men through their mothers life so surely it might be a relief that dad is in a stable relationship?

At 13&14 their old enough to understand mum and dad have relationships and are not getting back together.

I can't help feeling he's still emotionally invested in his ex and wants to keep her "on the hook" eg she's still hanging there as an option for him if he decides he wants it.

Original poster
HotDog86 · 10/07/2021 10:35

@thenewduchessofhastings that is my concern too, his emotional attachment to exW, I understand him wanting her to have a stable life for the kids, but hiding a girlfriend seems more than that.

So do I give him an ultimatum? Say I would like to meet the kids in the summer holidays? If he refuses then I guess I know where I stand, there is no relationship...

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 10/07/2021 10:35

Definitely strange. Time for cards on the table - introductions all around as a sign of things getting serious, or you're done/no longer exclusive.

AgentJohnson · 10/07/2021 10:37

Move on already. He’s made it very clear where you fit into his life and that appears to be a box marked ‘maybe’.

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 10:39

If he's met your kids it's strange for you not to meet his. I'd suggest to him that it's important this relationship is very clear to everyone now as you're not comfortable being kept as a secret.

sunnydays78 · 10/07/2021 10:46

So how does it work when your out and about? What would he do if you bumped into her or someone she knows?
Or is your relationship hidden away completely

Taliskerskye · 10/07/2021 10:51

2 years!?
Do you hang out with his friends. Or do you just spend time alone

Elieza · 10/07/2021 10:52

Sounds like he’s using the ‘just ignore the problem and it will go away’ strategy and the ‘don’t rock the boat’ strategy, as both mean he can see you without any grief from her. So he gets his cake and eats it.

The problem will NOT go away and he’s not noticed but your boat is rocking and he’s the one with the cake.

If he could pull back a bit from her before she finds out about you then she’d have no one to blame. If he tells her about you and pulls back she will blame you. Which is what I suspect happened before.

But he’d have to be the one to initiate this and she obv won’t like it.

I can understand his reluctance but if he wants a full relationship with someone he can’t have it both ways.

Perhaps you could start by asking HOW he intends to tell his ex and children about you and WHEN.

He may be planning to wait until they are no longer children as it’s to do with maintenance or access to them if she turns nasty.

If so it would be good to know that now so you can see if you’re prepared to be the secret lover until then.

Original poster
HotDog86 · 10/07/2021 10:58

I live about 40 mins drive from him, so no chance of bumping into her or relatives etc at mine. At his I'm seen by all the neighbours etc and we go out together from his house, so I'm not a secret in that way. It's possible that her friends and family may see us when we are out and about but doesn't seem to have been an issue.

OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 10/07/2021 11:00

But is it just you and him. Or is it you him, some mates etc sometimes

Original poster
HotDog86 · 10/07/2021 11:06

It's almost always just he and I. To be fair we are both quite introvert people and I haven't introduced him to my friends either (it was the same with my exh, we just spent a lot of time the two of us, not very sociable people).

OP posts:
tiredanddangerous · 10/07/2021 11:07

I'd be questioning his commitment to be honest. I would have thought only seeing each other twice a week after two years is pretty unusual - 40 mins drive isn't a long distance relationship.

Is he worried his ex will prevent access to his children if he tells her?

OrchestraOfWankery · 10/07/2021 11:13

He must feel like a dog with two dicks, dangling two women like this.

sunnydays78 · 10/07/2021 11:23

I think given how long you’ve been together I wouldn’t be happy being kept a secret. What would happen if his kids nipped home for something ? There’s bound to have been a time when something like this has happened. I would be saying I wasn’t happy to be kept a secret it’s time for him to grow a pair.