He won't tell exW about me - what to do?

[HotDog86]

I've been in a relationship with a man for around 2 years. We see each other a couple of times a week, the rest of the time we both have work/kids, all good. We are both divorced.

Things started slowly, so I didn't notice his situation with his exW (divorced 5 years). She phones him daily, not just about kids, about general things in life (not a major issue, I'm OK with my exh too). She has a partner but it seems a volatile situation with him, they argue a lot and bf doesn't like the impact on the kids. Recently she asked her exH (my bf) if he would like to try again with a relationship. He told her no, so she found another bf, then split up again, it seems like attention seeking by her maybe (eg a lot of drama, one minute she's marrying someone, next she's dumped them etc). Now she's back with the 'long-term' partner who she argues with a lot.

My issue is this - my relationship with bf is stable and generally happy. So for the past six months or so I've asked my bf (her exh) if he would like to introduce kids to me and that obviously means telling his exW that he has a gf/partner. He says yes he wants to introduce kids, then never sets a date. I dont pressure him at all, he's free to say no (kids are teens). He said the issue is with ex wife, as she will become very difficult and that will impact kids. She does seem maybe a bit obsessed with him (she has allegedly harassed female friends of his in the past) but I think he's not helping matters at all by appearing 'single', available and not to have moved on. In her defense, I can't say for sure what he says/does regarding her as obviously that's between them. It may be that if she knew he had a girlfriend she would just move on herself, although divorcing should probably be enough of a signal that a relationship is over!

Any thoughts or experience of similar situations much appreciated, it seems like my bf is avoiding dealing with this situation.

BTW I've also said to him before that if he wants to be with his exW he should, he insists he doesnt want to though, that's why he divorced her...

Update - I asked him for a specific date/plan to meet the kids (and obv he'd need to tell exW) in the next couple of months. I asked in a 'friendly' message. He completely ignored my message for over 24 hours. Then he sent me a few quite emotionally distant messages completely changing the subject, without ever answering or referencing my question.

I guess I have my answer, he has no intention of progressing this relationship. Guess he's just been dangling a carrot all this time...feel pretty rubbish tbh, it's not a nice way for him to treat me.

@HotDog86 Sorry to hear this OP. I don’t have that much advice, just wanted to say that you seem like a very level headed, reasonable woman. He’s lucky to have you. Maybe too lucky. You’re wise to set some demands of progression in your relationship. If he f’s off, yeah that sucks, but, if that happens, at least you won’t be wasting anymore time on him. But, I’d give him some time to mull it over and check in with the subject again in a few days, but maybe face to face?

I think if he hadn’t responded by the next tie you were due to spend time with him I’d arrive with the sole intention of getting an answer. I’d also let him know that I have no intention of continuing in a relationship and being kept a secret.
It’s very unfair but you need to ask yourself why he needs to keep you from his kids and exW, especially since they’ve been divorced for 5 years. He sounds like an absolute fool to lose you x

It sounds to me like he doesn’t like you quite enough to risk his ex’s fury and retribution.

My DH has a nut job ex. But it never stopped him making me a huge part of his life, meeting his kids, and marrying me.

Two years is long enough for him to know how he feels and what he wants. I thought he was just scared if the ex until he ignored your message. 🙄 Now I kind of hate him. What a twat.

Onwards and upwards for lovely YOU and downwards and backwards for stupid him and horrible her.

@HotDog86 He is playing his ex and he is playing you. He is showing you this is his level of investment after 2 years - he’s giving you breadcrumbs. It’s typical behaviour that you have pushed a point he doesn’t want to address so he ignores you then is distant. This is to make you “behave” and not bring up subjects he doesn’t want to talk about. Take back the control of your own life and leave this man to it. You deserve better.

Ah, thanks for all the lovely replies! Yes I agree, they've been divorced for 5 years, if he thinks the ex is in a 'bad place' mentally atm or similar, he could explain that and suggest an alternative plan/timescale?! My request to meet kids was very friendly and non-pressured...just wanted an answer really!

So you think ask for his thoughts/plans for the future in person? I'm due to see him later this week...if my question hasn't scared him away

@Cabana21 well I guess he's at risk of ending up with neither of us if he's playing both- having divorced exW 5 years ago, I can't imagine there's any long-term happy relationship to be had for the two of them, seems a bit odd? Maybe he just likes influence/control over her?

Although I have love for him, I'm also pretty independent and work/financially better off than him etc, if the romantic future has gone then I will be looking for someone new...

Even if it’s innocent igniting you for 24 hours and being distant is just shit and shows how he handles things. You sound brilliant op, I know it will hurt but defo end this and grab control away from this man.

*ignoring

@HotDog86 it does sound like he enjoys having some sort of influence on his ex rather than wanting a relationship with her. But there’s so many red flags in your post. He speaks to his ex daily and not just about the kids. He ignored your message for 24 hours after you raised this subject. He hasn’t introduced you to his kids off his own back after 2 years and he hasn’t made you a known part of his life. His kids aren’t babies either they are teenagers. And they divorced 5 years ago. His actions are telling you everything you need to know. 😞

Just from a different perspective...now I wouldn't be happy in your situation either but a friend of mine has been in a relationship for around 14 years, married for 8, 2 kids, a house, met his family parents etc but still hasn't met his son from a previous relationship. Father sees son twice a week during those 14 years, he is now late teens. Son doesn't know father got married or has 2 other children as the sons mother is a lunatic. Her brothers have literally set fire to the fathers van and threatened many things that he has no doubt they would follow through on. So it stays as is. Or they will suffer the consequences and he will never see his son. My friend is well aware of this and while it is a shit situation they have no option.

There are no words to express how much you need to run and keep running. I am 5… five whole years into a toxic ex wife situation and if I could go back and undo time and never meet him. Never hear her name. Never get involved in their crazy oh so crazy relationship. Never have to try and work out the co-dependent thing they have going on. To feel second best. To question everything that happens in my relationship. To question him. Her. Ok sorry this is about me and just leg it out if there ok

Any relationship that needs to be secret, whatever the reason, is harmful IMO.

Step right back until he sorts himself out. if he ever does

OP,

Well done for asking and not pussy footing about.

I think he could be compartmentalising you as thats what suits him.

It is definitely convenient that you are 49 minutes away.

Actions not works are key.

This arrangement obviously suits him.

Move on if it doesn't suit you.

Do you discuss the future. Two years is a fair amount of time not to.

He's already given you an answer so no reason to ask again or go over there. Do let him humiliate you even more.
He doesn't see your relationship as serious so it's best to end it now.

Update - I did see him for dinner as previously planned this week. I asked him a bit more. He said he doesnt want his ex to know as when he introduced a previous gf she became very jealous and difficult. He doesnt want her to be volatile for the kids...as he said they are generally quite amicable now.

So PP are correct, this situation suits him - he gets to have a 'friendly/non volatile' relationship with the ex, which is good for the kids. Meanwhile he has me as a 'secret' girlfriend (although I'm obvious to his neighbours etc when I visit).

I'm pretty sure if I pushed him on it then he wouldn't give in, so I either walk away or put up with this situation. It's horrible.

Walk away and find someone less complicated

@HotDog86 you have your answer now so the only thing to do is walk away. The longer you stay with him you are accepting a very low bar which also sets a precedent for future. To be honest I think he is using this as an excuse.

@HotDog86

"I'm also pretty independent and work/financially better off than him"

This is why he picked you.

He knows you're not going to 'need' him for anything so he can keep you at a safe arms length from his family life and enjoy the emotional and physical relationship with you without having to think of any long term plans with you, because you're independent.

He's triangulating you both and it's the oldest tale in time. I don't think there's any danger of him getting back with ex or anything like that - but he likes the comfort of familiarity with her and their history together - and the dating life with you.

I have been on both sides of your situation - I have been the exw who is possibly too friendly (and it absolutely IS just friends - I left him and with all my heart was ready for the next to take off my hands!!) and I've also been the new partner who bf ex partner gets jealous and nasty about.

I think it's a lose/lose unless you want to long term date him without expectation - which is also ok if you're happy and enjoying it, but not if you aren't.

Oh you poor thing.

I'd walk away too. His children are older- I think they'd probably feel a bit misled and excluded if they found out that their dad had had a girlfriend all this time and had never told them. He's being unkind to them really, never mind you.

Sadly, I think I'd walk away. He won't ever be free of his ex whilst he's giving her this level of control.

Wow he has it all
I think you have the information you need OP.
🍷+ crisps :-/

OP, information is power.
Now you know.

He is absolutely suiting himself and always will.

You need to do the same.

Thanks all. I realise now that I've probably just been a mug. I've been very kind and supportive of him through difficult times for him, I didn't push much in the past for 'more' due to this, I just trusted when he made suggestions that he was serious about me, in love etc that it was true...

Now that in theory things are going OK for him, he should have been willing to progress the relationship, tell the ex...but he's not, so I guess I know exactly where I stand.

He’s stringing you along. Time to start living for you. Leave him and the ‘awful ex’ to it.