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Original poster

Husband getting the snip on Monday - suddenly sad!

32 replies

Mummypig2016 · 09/07/2021 22:57

We have 2 wonderful daughters together plus 2 stepchildren from his previous relationship whom I adore. 7 years together, just got married last week. He's been planning a vasectomy since our 6 month old was born and I've always been fine with it (my last pregnancy was horrid and full of complications). However he was talking about it tonight as it's the surgery on Monday and I was hit with the most gut wrenching sadness and had to leave the room to cry! Is this normal? Will it pass?

To clarify - I would love to have another baby in a few years but he doesn't want to at all and since we have 4 children altogether I couldn't see the point in asking. I thought I'd made my peace with no more babies but I guess the finality of the vasectomy is upsetting.

OP posts:

LuluJakey1 · 09/07/2021 23:04

I think it is normal. DH anc I both wanted him to have it but we both had pangs. It's 18 months since he had it and occasionally we still have 'Wouldn't it be nice to have another baby?' conversations. We so know it wouldn't though. 3DC 6 and under and we are 42. Definitely enough.

willowmelangell · 09/07/2021 23:10

Quick true story for you. Sorry if tmi!
The night before DF went for his snip, DM thought, well this is my last chance. After they dtd, she lay on her front to aid conception.
9 months later my twin dsis and I were born

DramaAlpaca · 09/07/2021 23:11

I felt the same, though DH certainly didn't! We had three children and he got the snip when DS3 was a year old. I knew it was the right decision but I did have a few pangs of sadness, especially as we were only in our mid-30s and could have had more. Another baby would have been too much though, especially as I'd had PND after DS3. So the snip it was and after my initial sadness, no regrets from either of us.

ShowOfHands · 09/07/2021 23:13

Your mother talked to you about post coital positions @willowmelangell? Blimey. Was that between courses of your Sunday lunch.

Op, it's a door closing and that is always hard. I felt the same but it was okay really. I was just processing the end of a chapter.

Original poster

Mummypig2016 · 09/07/2021 23:14

I have a coil in (mainly to control my periods) so no chance of accidental pregnancy haha! I just love being a mum, and there's nothing quite like a newborn. Maybe I need to go sniff a newborn 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummypig2016 · 09/07/2021 23:18

A chapter closing is a good way of describing it. I'm only 25 so I do feel a bit young I guess 🤷‍♀️ I have lots of well meaning customers at work asking if we'll try for a boy next which is a little awkward..

OP posts:

Severncity · 09/07/2021 23:27

You're very young for such a final decision, maybe thats what is affecting how you feel? My OH is booked in for the same procedure but we are both a lot older so it feels like the right thing to do.

Sittinginthesand · 09/07/2021 23:35

25! That does seem a bit young / how old is he?

Original poster

Mummypig2016 · 10/07/2021 07:53

He's 29 but he has 4 children and doesn't want anymore which I understand (his eldest is 9, youngest 6 months). 2 are with me, 2 with his ex x

OP posts:

NamingBabies · 10/07/2021 08:52

I’m pregnant with DD2 currently but DH fully intends to get a vasectomy after her birth. We’re only 27 so similar age to you and your DH, and although it’s the right decision for us I do totally understand what you mean about feeling sad about it! We spoke about it recently and I got a bit tearful despite the fact I’m currently pregnant. I found it really odd knowing this is the last time and once she’s born he’ll get the snip and we’ll have no more babies. I think it’s normal to feel sad about but also if you know it’s the right thing for you both it makes sense - no contraceptive worries and surprise pregnancies!

ShowOfHands · 10/07/2021 08:58

DH was 29 when he had his. It isn't young really if you're done and DH was. I would have had one more but that wasn't right for DH so we closed the chapter.

Legaleaglenot · 10/07/2021 09:02

My neighbours experienced a terrible tragedy when their 9 year old son died unexpectedly leaving them with an only daughter of 11. They had another baby. Thoughts like that would literally put me off DH having the snip.

ShowOfHands · 10/07/2021 09:07

@Legaleaglenot

They ask those sorts of questions before you have it done. You have to be sure that regardless of eventuality, you won't have more. And if you want more, you can't ask the NHS to assist and you are made aware that reversals often do not work.

Frazzledd · 10/07/2021 09:07

@Legaleaglenot

I'm not sure how I feel about that post...

MajesticWhine · 10/07/2021 09:13

He is very young to make a decision like this.
Perhaps on the positive side - great that you have a partner who is willing to take responsibility, mine never has. Plus I've seen countless other women on here whose partners would not go through with it.

scaevola · 10/07/2021 09:19

I'm not sure how I feel about that post.

No one can replace one child with another.

But if you look at the 'rainbow' threads, you will see that having another child or children after loss is anything but that simple. And it is right for some people, and so may be a consideration.

OP: what you are feeling is very natural, and usually very short lived. The end of fertility is a fact of life for women, but usually it comes with peri-menopausal symptoms that we are glad to see the back of. That it's a process over time is what 'feels' right.

Sterilisation is a 'cliff edge' so of course it's different, sudden and deliberate, and of course when it's vasectomy it's not even your choice.

So I think it's entirely natural to have a wobble, it's a big change.

What did you tell him about leaving the room and crying yesterday? Has he been understanding? (I don't mean offering to call it off, but supporting you whilst the emotional side rears up)

sadie9 · 10/07/2021 09:21

25 is young to have your childbearing cut off. You've been with him since you were 18 and he was 23.
He had his first when he was aged 20. Then he got together with you when he already had a 2yr old and a younger baby.
I can see it from his point of view but 'no point in asking' is not you giving yourself a proper chance to express your feelings to him. Then you hid your feelings again by leaving the room. Do you tend to go along with what he wants mostly so as not to upset him? You could ask him to postpone it for 6 months.

Ughmaybenot · 10/07/2021 09:24

I can totally understand how you’re feeling, altho we’re not quite there yet. It’s the finality of it, especially if you’d be inclined to have another one. It’s very difficult to accept thats not going to happen ever, as opposed to a vague ‘maybe one day’.
It’s good tho, that he is being responsible and taking ownership of this himself. A lot don’t!

ShutUpAlex · 10/07/2021 09:29

Me and my husband are in this situation and unsure. I’m pregnant with number 2, and while we’re both sure we would love another one in a few years, I’m so utterly shit at being pregnant I don’t want to go through it again and he doesn’t want to put me through it again. I’m 27, he’s 35.

Frazzledd · 10/07/2021 09:31

@scaevola I did read that and thought 'replacement?' I understand your post, heartbreaking to think about, thank you for explaining a little.

YarnOver · 10/07/2021 11:00

We have two daughters. My youngests daughter's twin brother was stillborn at 32 weeks. I was told I'm unable to have anymore children as I also nearly died and it would be fatal for everyone if I were to do it again.
I'm ok with that , and I don't want anymore children. Unlike some rather hurtful messages above, I couldn't ever replace my son with another baby even if I could have one.

My DH had the snip a little bit ago as I'm unable to use literally any contraception, and despite the fact we can't have more children, and definitely don't want more children, yes, I did feel a little sad the night before and on the day. I think it's normal.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2021 11:04

I think your age has a lot to do with this. I really wonder about going ahead with the procedure at this point.

It may very well be that your family is complete, but you may also feel differently in a few years.

I think you need to talk seriously again to your DH.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/07/2021 11:56

His decision regardless of his age. He has four children and doesn’t want anymore which is his decision.
He is being responsible for his own fertility and not relying on someone else.

Original poster

Mummypig2016 · 10/07/2021 11:56

Don't worry, I've spoken to him this morning. Without going over every conversation we've had over the past year and a half (when we started trying for our 6 month old) he made it very clear he didn't want anymore after and although I would like one more (I love being a mum), I truly am content with the children we have. I respect his decision and I wouldn't have married him if I thought I couldn't cope with it. Truthfully, I'm just sad about it but I'm unsure how to cope with the sadness. He is super supportive, always has been. He's a fantastic dad too ❤

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummypig2016 · 10/07/2021 11:59

Thank you all for your comments but truthfully I wasn't looking for a way to convince him out of getting it, it's his body so it's his choice and he's given me 2 amazing daughters and 2 fantastic step children. I just wanna stop feeling sad about not having more 😪

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