He still lives with his Mum

[sheilashout]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months. All going well but there's one thing that bothers me - he still lives at home with his Mum. We're both mid 30s. Am I just being unfair for thinking this could be a problem if we moved in together eventually? He's never lived on his own!

I used to be in the camp of “no way, too weird” but BIL is in this situation, never lived alone (or paid bills etc). He pays a token keep and does chores. In his twenties he blew a lot of money, he’s trying to save now (although I’m not convinced he couldn’t try harder). He’s a nice guy, but he lives at home because it’s comfortable and easy and there’s no incentive to move out. FIL and MIL have both suffered some serious medical issues (FIL has now died) so in some ways it’s good he’s been there.

It's the fact that he's never lived away that would bother me.

Depends on his reasons. If he has failed to launch or can't be arsed or is scared of the world then that might be an issue.

However, in some cultures and even within those cultures where it's not the norm, sometimes families think this way- it is just accepted for unmarried people to stay at home until they "need" to leave, I.e. move in with a partner or move for work or uni and if that doesn't happen until later on then so be it.

I dated and am still close friends with a wonderful man from such a culture who had always lived at home with his widowed mum despite having a very successful career and social life. It wasn't ideal for me as his culture don't 'do' dating so I could only go to his when mum was out (she knew I existed and asked about me, but it just wasn't the done thing for us to meet). In fact it was part of why things didn't work out but now I know him well, I realise they have rather a lovely set up for the time being, not codependent or anything like that.

So I think it depends on whether the circumstances raise any red flags in themselves, and whether it infringes on your relationship.

I know two men 30+ who still live at home, they prefer to spend all their money on going out and gambling, one of them has a gambling addiction and bad credit history.

I would be wary OP.

I'd certainly be carefully looking at things
Does he pay his way? Does he do housework and cooking? Does he know what bills come into a household? Does he do his share of grocery shopping? Does he do his own laundry? Etc etc.
Basically, is he a fully functioning adult who happens to still live with his parents for valid reasons or is he a manchild who expects mummy to take care of him?

I'd avoid men that have never lived independently.

For me it's a no.
I've dated someone who lived with his parents and I wouldn't do it again.

To answer a few questions -

He gives his mum money each month to contribute towards bills.
He doesn't seem to cook dinner, just on the odd occasion, his Mum does it mainly.
Cleans his own room but doesn't do the rest of the house.
I think he does his own washing.

He moved out into his ex girlfriend's house for the 2 years they were together but moved back home when they split up. That was 3 years ago. Says he's saving money but doesn't look like he's even attempted to look at renting somewhere of his own.

His 7 year old son has his own room at the house. He does parent his child from what I can tell, he doesn't seem like he's leaving it up to his mum.

It does worry me that he's never had to deal with running a house before.

If you can see that he pays his way, contributes to the upkeep of the home, cooks regularly for his family and is independent in other ways then don't dismiss him. If, however, his mum does all the cooking, cleaning and household duties and his dad does all the maintenance then do not go near this man. He will swap his mum for you if you move in together. Be warned.

To me it is a massive turn off.
If it was a quick stop gap due that’s one thing but long term? Absolutely not.

My sister's boyfriend of a couple of years still lives with his parents in his mid thirties. I think it is a combination of factors - low-ish income, needing to pay CMS and also concerns for his parents who are getting older.

On paper that doesn't sound like much of a catch, but he is nicest, kindest bloke imaginable, full of energy, very practical and capable (the opposite of lazy) and makes my sister happier than she has ever been with anyone.

I'd watch out for red flags but keep an open mind.

Nah wouldn't bother me. Husbands friend is same. He's saved 60k up as a result

It's a no from me

Think my brother lived at home until he was possibly 30 ? He worked really long hours, my father had died, he was hardly home, and had a great group of friends who he socialised with, has always been really popular with everyone who meets him, and has been happily married over 30 years...still loved by friends new and old...works hard, very successful

It’s not all bad 😀 I wish I was half has popular and successful as him

As others have said, it fully depends on what type of person he is and the relationship dynamics. I know a few men who lived with their parents for various reasons in their 30s.

My cousins son lived at home till he met his wife, he certainly wasn’t mothered, he worked from a young age to help his mum out financially when she was finally able to stand up to his abusive dad. He always felt protective of her. He moved back in when he divorced his wife then back out again after he met someone else. It worked for them.

I’ve also got a friend who moved back in with his dad when he finished uni because his mum passed away and he wanted to keep his dad company. Again only left when he met someone but moved back into his dads when they split up and until he met someone else. Fully independent career man who is more than capable of taking care of himself.

I wouldn’t worry to much, he looks after his son, looks after his mum ( in effect) and works...sounds ok to me.
If he’s good to you too, you’re laughing.

If you’re looking for problems, maybe he isn’t the one for you, but he doesn’t sound so bad.

Only you know xx

I'm sorry.

But I think hes expecting you to take the role of his mum

Cooking, cleaning and taking care of his kid.

I dont think this relationship has legs.

It would really depend why for me.

I know of 2 guys who live with their parents.

One keeps moving back because he splits up with a girlfriend. The girlfriends always have their own houses and children and he firmly plants himself as some sort of father figure. He goes from 0-oh my god we are soul mates in about a fortnight. And these woman fall for it, move him in, see he’s a control freak and he’s right back at mum and dads. He’s 40 something.

The other one I know is 42, has lived alone/been married/had other children but has been bankrupt twice and has a cocaine addiction.

So based on my sample survey of, erm, 2 people I would say be wary.

He has lived independently and returned when his relationship broke down, which plenty of ppl do. Give him a chance, maybe ask what his plans are.

Failed relationship with sons mother. Failed relationship with 2 year cohabitee. There's a pattern there!

I don't think he'd make a good dp no.

@felulageller

Failed relationship with sons mother. Failed relationship with 2 year cohabitee. There's a pattern there!

I don't think he'd make a good dp no.

Er yeah ... he's had two failed relationships which isn't unusual for someone in their 30s. And he still sees his son, unlike many fathers.

I don’t think it’s a red flag per se but from your follow up post it doesn’t sound as though he does much around the house - it would be more reassuring if he cooked more or pitched in with cleaning for the whole household. The watch out for me would be whether he underestimates what it takes to keep a household going and expects you to do it all, but that could be more naivety than anything else. Not terribly attractive though.

Having left home at 18 I couldn't imagine being on the same page as someone who is essentially still being parented in their thirties, especially someone who hasn't been able to provide a home for their own seven year old child.