Why can't he just be a friend?

[breadandshine]

Fell in love with a guy had a good time up until it all went to shit.
He wasn't a great boyfriend,many issues,treated me like shit.

We ended it before and said let's be friends,met up as friends and both attracted to each other and slept together and started it up again.
He did something which basically there was no coming back from and we wouldn't work.

I still would loved to have tried a friendship.
He didn't want that.
He was happy to text me and ring me but wouldn't meet me in the flesh (no idea why )
I still had feelings but I knew we couldn't be together (too much water under that bridge )
After 8 months he cut me off no contact at all.
(Bare in mind he is still friends with all of his ex's including fwb)
I'm literally the only one he can't even be friends with now apparently.

I know he is dating other people and so am I (starting early days relationship)
I would have liked a friendship with him.
Why can't he just be my friend ?
We both know we can't ever be together so surely that's better than wasting years of us being close.
I wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't friends with all his ex's

I don't understand it do you?

Because you weren't his friend, you were his 'narcissistic supply'. Basically, someone he was getting/hoping to get something from (mainly a boost to his ego). When it became clear you weren't going to get back with him or bend to his will in whichever way he wanted, he removed you from his life. He probably also did this in order to punish you for not doing what he wanted.

You dont understand him because he is not like you. You wanted him as a friend because you still cared about him and assumed he must like you in some way if he once dated you. But the truth us that he only ever wanted you in his life to take from you, to drain you, to feed from you. And you stopped being a satisfactory meal.

@breadandshine

We were friends for months after we split up. Surely if he didn't like me very much he wouldn't have continued wanting to engage with me?

I don’t want to come across as patronising OP, but how old are you?

You were never friends. You were people who fancied each other and had a somewhat toxic occasional sexual relationship. Stop crawling for crumbs from a man's table.

@breadandshine

We were friends for months after we split up. Surely if he didn't like me very much he wouldn't have continued wanting to engage with me?

Once that line has crossed, then you can't go back to being just friends because there may still be feelings there.

How good a friend was he? Perhaps he was only friends with you in the hope that it would turn into something more later on and now that he got what he wanted, he has no need for you.

Can you really not see that this person isn't worthy of your friendship? Maybe he's on engaging with you because he feels he has to.

I don't think you'll get the answer that you want to hear on MN because we're telling you the same thing over and over and you are not listening.

He's treated you badly so he isn't a good friend anyway.
Why would you want someone like him in your life under any capacity when he's treated you like shit?
There is no trust or respect so it's a non starter.
The fact that he's told you he doesn't want to be your friend should be enough for you to back off and respect his wishes if you care about him.

Personally, I think he's just playing mind games with you and getting off on seeing you chase him for something he is never going to give you.

Let him go and move on.

I agree @Umberellatheweatha but I was trying to.avoid using the n word.

Aw I had one of these OP. As hard as it was to accept, the truth is that my ex didn't want to continue our friendship because we never really had a friendship. 10 years of what I thought was a meaningful connection beyond our physical relationship, and as soon as I moved on with someone new and had children he discarded me as if I never existed. I told myself a lot of ego soothing lies about how he must have cared for me too much to just be friends etc etc, but eventually I faced the facts that the second I became a mother I went from his "might have sex with me again one day" column to his "no chance of future sex" column. For whatever reason I would guess that your ex has similarly recatagorised you. Maybe after 8 months of you standing by your word to not sleep with him he's finally believed you that it isn't happening? For whatever reason you're now in the "no chance of a shag" box and have been discarded.

It's really hard finding out someone you cared for never valued you for anything more than sex. It's important to remember that that says nothing about your actual value. But the friendship was likely never real, just an exercise in keeping the door open for sex. I might be wrong of course, but I'm 100% sure that this was the case for my own situation.

Don't waste your time by trying to convince yourself that this is because he cares too much. It's never that. When someone treats you badly it's always because they don't care enough. Put him from your mind for good and enjoy your drama free life.

He's doing it because he can. Probably loves the idea of 'punishing' you by withdrawing his attention. You are still attracted to him, and he knows it so this control is an ego stroke for him. l'm betting he will get back in touch again at some point, this type usually do.

OP is being really needs though, in desperately wanting friendship from someone who is really not so nice to her. So he's probably latching onto that neediness which is making it worse. He knows how desperate you are OP and he is playing to that

This is going to sound harsh but it sounds like he just doesn't like you so doesn't want you in his life.

He cheated on you, treated you like shit, ignores you and now deleted you. Those are the actions of someone who isn't bothered about the other persons feelings at all.

He doesn't like you so he doesn't want to be friends.

It makes perfect sense, it just hurts so you're looking for an alternative reason.

But by not accepting that he doesn't like you so doesn't want you in his life, you're wasting time thinking about someone not worth thinking about.

Maybe he thought he wanted to be friends, then realised he didn't enjoy your time together that much without the sex or he could tell you were still into him, either of which could make him not want to hang out with you even as friends.

Can you see that? Onwards and upwards, time to move on from thinking about him.

You have to ask yourself why it matters so much. Anyone can choose not to be your friend. I can understand it can hurt - say if it's a friendship of many years, lots of history, and they just drop you without warning. But this isn't that - it's a failed romance. Most failed romances don't end in friendship. You both just move on.

It reads as though you still hold a torch. He's certainly taking up far too much of your headspace. Either intentionally (because he's a controlling idiot who is messing with your head on purpose) or unintentionally (because he doesn't consider you a friend). Either way - move on.