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Original poster

Why can't he just be a friend?

60 replies

breadandshine · 09/07/2021 17:38

Fell in love with a guy had a good time up until it all went to shit.
He wasn't a great boyfriend,many issues,treated me like shit.

We ended it before and said let's be friends,met up as friends and both attracted to each other and slept together and started it up again.
He did something which basically there was no coming back from and we wouldn't work.

I still would loved to have tried a friendship.
He didn't want that.
He was happy to text me and ring me but wouldn't meet me in the flesh (no idea why )
I still had feelings but I knew we couldn't be together (too much water under that bridge )
After 8 months he cut me off no contact at all.
(Bare in mind he is still friends with all of his ex's including fwb)
I'm literally the only one he can't even be friends with now apparently.

I know he is dating other people and so am I (starting early days relationship)
I would have liked a friendship with him.
Why can't he just be my friend ?
We both know we can't ever be together so surely that's better than wasting years of us being close.
I wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't friends with all his ex's

I don't understand it do you?

OP posts:
YouShouldLeave · 09/07/2021 18:46

I don’t understand why you insist a ”friendship”

Gemma2019 · 09/07/2021 19:10

He has probably cut you off completely as he knows you will eventually end up sleeping together if you stay "friends". You still have feelings for him and he knows that.

He has done you a huge favour as you really shouldn't stay friends with someone who treated you like shit.

Original poster
breadandshine · 09/07/2021 19:14

We deffo wouldn't end up sleeping together as he won't even be in the same post code as me.

OP posts:
Gemma2019 · 09/07/2021 19:19

You would totally end up sleeping together. You are probably just upset that he has made the decision to cut ties when it should have been you after the way he treated you. Honestly, give it time and you won't be giving him a second thought. You don't need him hanging around in the background reminding you of shit times. He is no friend of yours.

Original poster
breadandshine · 09/07/2021 19:27

Maybe that's what it is.
It should have been me not him.
He should have been the one feeling guilty about it all.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 09/07/2021 19:47

It sounds like you still have feelings for him OP. Are you sure you’re definitely over him?

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 09/07/2021 19:51

It's an impossible relationship. As hard as it is, you have to let him go.

Original poster
breadandshine · 09/07/2021 20:16

I probably do have feelings for him but I can't forgive him for what he's done but at the same time don't want to loose him all the way together.
That's why I was happy to be "friends" then the flirting started again.
I miss him tbh.
Clearly he doesn't miss me.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 09/07/2021 20:22

It’s so sad to lose someone you were once close with but I think it’s time to let him go for good.

xsquared · 09/07/2021 20:58

@breadandshine

I probably do have feelings for him but I can't forgive him for what he's done but at the same time don't want to loose him all the way together. That's why I was happy to be "friends" then the flirting started again. I miss him tbh. Clearly he doesn't miss me.
You only think you don't want to lose him at the moment. When you've had time to think a bit more rationally rather than with your feelings, you will see that he was not good enough for you.

What do you lose by not having him in your life? What do you gain by having him in your life in any capacity? Why do you want to be friends with him when he has made it clear that he doesn't want to be friends with you? If you genuinely care about him as a friend, then respect his decision for not wanting to be friends with you.

You've already tried being "friends" after the break up but you end up flirting, and neither of you are being fair to the other because you are playing with each other's emotions which is harmful in the long run.

Surely you can see that there is no mutual trust or respect between the two of you, and as long that is missing, then a genuine friendship cannot thrive without it.

Trying to be friends with someone lie him will not work.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 09/07/2021 21:05

@breadandshine

We deffo wouldn't end up sleeping together as he won't even be in the same post code as me.
But you’d be up for it as you still have feelings for him. He doesn’t have feelings for you and doesn’t want to lead you on, because you’d always be hoping for the possibility of more. He’s being kind here rather than dropping you breadcrumbs so you still think there’s a chance.

This isn’t the first time you’ve posted about this is it? Just accept he doesn’t want to be part of your life -in any way, shape or form - and please consider why you’re so obsessed with him.

Flugbusterbackagain · 09/07/2021 21:43

@breadandshine

I probably do have feelings for him but I can't forgive him for what he's done but at the same time don't want to loose him all the way together. That's why I was happy to be "friends" then the flirting started again. I miss him tbh. Clearly he doesn't miss me.
Clearly, he doesn't miss you. I don't get why you care.

What do you mean forgive him for what he's done? As in be a prick in your relationship? Or refuse to be your 'friend'

Feel sorry for your current man tbh. You're not over your ex.

TheNinny · 09/07/2021 21:45

Perhaps he knows that by deleting you it will annoy/get to you and he wants that satisfaction more than any ‘friendship’ with you. Maybe he’s testing you to see how much you care and beg for his attention again. Perhaps he is more in love with you than you know and doesn’t want to see your happy life without him. Either way, it’s generally not a good thing to be be so invested in exes or any ‘friendship’ you have with them. From experience and observation, it almost always ends in tears. If it’s like an ex of a family member, they will add you back after a given time, then delete you for whatever reason, then add you back. But if I were you I would block him forever and waste no time on him again. Especially as you say , after how bad he treated you and did something unmentionable and terrible that you can never be together.

cupcakecourageous · 09/07/2021 23:00

He's annoyed with you for finally having boundaries, he's punishing you and sulking because he can no longer charm you into bed. He doesn't want you as a platonic friend, he has plenty of friends.

He can longer control you in that way, so he is taking away the only control he does have over you (friendship, which you do want).

It's proof that he never really cared about you as anything more than a plaything and shag, but I think you already knew this and that's why you were forced to put such strong boundaries in place.

Abouttoblow · 10/07/2021 01:52

If he did something that meant you could never be in a relationship with him why would you want to be his friend? That really doesn't make any sense. If there's no going back as a BF, there's no going back as a friend.

MorriseysGladioli · 10/07/2021 01:58

Perhaps he is considering your partner, and how he would feel if he knew?

Imissmoominmama · 10/07/2021 07:42

This sounds like the only decent thing he’s done for you. Rejection isn’t nice, but honestly, he’s done you a favour.

Now, go and live a nice life.

borntobequiet · 10/07/2021 08:10

@breadandshine

We deffo wouldn't end up sleeping together as he won't even be in the same post code as me.
Uh?
Cloudninenine · 10/07/2021 08:17

It’s very unlikely that he just doesn’t think you’re good enough to be his friend. More likely he still wants a relationship / is attracted to you / is hurt by how the relationship ended - something like that.

A more relevant question for you is why you’re so keen to be friends with someone who treated you badly. You need to have more respect for yourself and understand that you deserve better!

Loudestcat14 · 10/07/2021 08:42

You've served your purpose for him – girlfriend he can treat like shit, occasional f*ck buddy he can treat like shit. He's clearly one of those twatish men who doesn't like a woman calling the shots, so when you said 'I want to be just friends' he was never going to accept that. He's cut you off to prove he's in charge still and can treat you like he wants. Like shit, basically.

Nonmaquillee · 10/07/2021 08:44

I just don’t understand why you want this person in your life. He sounds really callous and self interested. I think you need to set the bar higher for friendship.

Marineboy67 · 10/07/2021 09:16

You should accept and appreciate his decision not to have you as a friend in his life. The sooner your able to do so the better. Its something you can analyse until the cows come home and never receive the answer.
I've never kept in touch with any exes or added them on social media, when its over its over.
One woman I had a 4 year relationship with managed to stay friends with most of her exes purely so she could use them for different diy favours.
She openly admitted it and had an fwb arrangement with one of them if he fixed a door or put some skirting up.
I suggested did she enjoy the attention ? Probably was her answer. Certainly doesn't work for me.

mightwantto · 10/07/2021 09:20

Why does he want to be friends with you?

Probably because he doesn't like you very much?

He treated you like shit, cheated on you and then blocked you.

You don't treat people you like like that.
You don't treat people you are friend with like that.

You need to let it go.
You are going across as desperate and obsessed.

Original poster
breadandshine · 10/07/2021 09:24

We were friends for months after we split up.
Surely if he didn't like me very much he wouldn't have continued wanting to engage with me?

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 10/07/2021 09:26

The reason he doesn’t want to be friends is because when you are, it blurs back into a relationship and then he screws up and then you break up.

It sounds like despite his abuse, you can’t let go.

You need to. Move on.