Wwyd

[Iamaperiwinkle]

Friend for over 30 years. Flakey with everyone but she is my oldest friend and has helped when my life has imploded. More like a sister than a friend.

But every single time she comes to stay she doesn’t do what it agreed, maybe once a year at the most - more like every two years. She is a hoarder so doesn’t invite us to visit.
Our children are exactly the same age as each other.
She has been through a lot with her beloved mother dying in the last couple of years etc

Example - before Covid arranged to in 2020 arranged stay Wednesday to Saturday . We talk once every week on phone so she knows what we are doing. Turns up on Tuesday morning (we had the whole week off) I was busy - she’s like fine we can go out or just stay in etc but will work round us. She did Tuesday and Wednesday and then left late on Wednesday evening. Leaving the bit we had blocked off for her now free. But we had turned down going away for her.
She phoned two weeks ago and the chat happened the same as always - can I come and stay in the two weeks. When I say? Book weekend out for her and turn down play dates etc and then this morning a text to say her father came to stay earlier in the week and has decided to stay a bit longer for the weekend so she now won’t be coming.
Maybe she’ll come the following week.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself in counselling and before I have always told her how it devalues me and my life and upsets me but it has continued same old - even the kids says it’s auntie Emma - coming that means she won’t come when planned -but after a couple of months of counselling I’m now thinking - this is an abusive relationship too right(?) different relationship but still not respecting boundaries etc or valuing my life, although she would stop everything at 2 am to drive through the night for me?

Wwyd - explaining how much it pisses me off has no effect so it will be back off the leave the friendship of put up with it

• in the meantime she has me doing a work job that I didn’t want do for her etc under duress with her pleading and pleading for me to do it - argh…….

She isn’t going to change so you accept her as she is, or you don’t let her stay with you ever again.

I would say that she isn't able to coming the following week and to not just turn up. If she does tell her she can't stay.

The work thing - next time say no.

Yes you need to work on your boundaries with her!

Don't assume that she would drive through the night for her at 2am because I highly doubt that based on what you've written. She sounds like a self person who you have given many chances to.

At this point you need to take responsibility for this and put firmer boundaries. Say no to favours or to her inviting herself over etc.

Through the night for you*

I think the lesson here is you just can't rely on other people. I have friends who let me down at the mast minute but my strategy is always to have a plan B, I don't just sit around when they blow me out (they are at least predictable lol) because I already had a back up plan anyway. When you accept that some people just can't be relied on to make firm plans with it hurts a lot less when they let you down because you become more dependent on yourself by adapting.

As pp said she's not going to change so you have to work out how you'll deal with it. First off don't do work jobs you don't want to do. Just don't. Secondly you can accept her when she wants to come but if something else comes up that you want to do, say you'll do that. You can tell your friend but if you don't is unlikely you'll have to change anyway. Let her fit in around you. I have learned to do this with a family member and it feels much better to be the one in charge rather than feeling folornly rejected all the time.

Don't ever cancel other plans for her.

Say No, however much she pleads, if it's something you can't do or really don't want to do.

How do your weekly phone conversations go?
Enjoyable for you both? Or all about her?

I couldn't take it personally. I value reliability in friends and don't prioritise those who aren't. I do have one long standing friend who will cancel due to feeling slightly ill or tired - she's prone to such feelings and it irritates me as I (perhaps wrongly) feel she makes a fuss about nothing - but I do factor that in and prepare myself for possible cancellations. She'd never turn up at the wrong time though.

Does she have to stay with you when she comes to visit? Perhaps if she had to pay for her accommodation rather than having it for free, she would have to plan her stay more closely and she would feel a financial impact if she said she was coming Wed - Fri but only stayed Wed & Thurs (if you get me).

You will have to change how you deal with her visits though. Don't do things you don't want to.

I think that whilst you’re feeling like this, you should say no to any visits. It’s not fair to you and of course you’ll feel resentful and devalued each time she messes you about. If you genuinely want to keep seeing her, maybe find a neutral ground for a day visit or something?

Also, when she was leaving, did you tell her that because she was leaving early, a weekend that you could have had with someone else had been shelved because she was due to stay longer? She needs to know that her messing you around has an impact on you and your plans.

I tell her each and every time. One time I sent her a letter saying that i felt it was very one sided and this come and go as you please wasn’t demeaning and devaluing and I wanted to end the friendship and she pleaded with me not to and said how sorry she was etc but even her own father says ‘Emma is just like this- it pisses us all off but it is just her’

@LookItsMeAgain

Also, when she was leaving, did you tell her that because she was leaving early, a weekend that you could have had with someone else had been shelved because she was due to stay longer? She needs to know that her messing you around has an impact on you and your plans.

Yes I tell her I cancelled x and y and she puts on a pitiful face and just says ‘I’m sorry but I’m useless etc ‘

How do your weekly phone conversations go?
Enjoyable for you both? Or all about her?

But if both. She is normally driven by she wants something yes she listens when I’m having a rough time. I just think counselling has opened my eyes a bit to all the friends that aren’t really friends eg the friend who wanted her teenagers to do jobs for me gardening etc and got well paid for it eg )£10 an hour but then during lockdown when she knew I had to shield and couldn’t go out she didn’t contact me at all nada 👎 but when it lifted she didn’t want to go for a cuppa more when can my kids come and earn money at yours and I was like sorry all done gardening etc and had a hissy fit that I hadn’t left them for her teenagers

Sorry I have a cut finger and the typos in that and Spg are awful.

You don't have to actively end the friendship. You can just start to behave in a way that suits you and see how she responds, e.g arranging other things for when she might be staying with you if you want to. If she gets pissy well that's not on is it and you should not have a friend who treats you like that. I think it more likely she will up her game or carry on as she is but won't mind because she knows how she is.

You'd be within your rights just to end the friendship but it is rarely that easy with a 30 yr old friendship - and maybe you don't want to just yet!

Then if that is the case, then "Emma" needs a head wobble and you need to make yourself less available. Tell her to stop being 'useless' as it's really not a character trait that is positive or adding to your friendship.

Please, also if you're still doing it, stop doing the work you don't want to be doing for 'Emma' as it really won't be appreciated by her. Really it won't. She'll give it lip service and say thanks but she will just be pleased that it's done and she didn't have to do it.

Next time she mentions coming down , tell her that sounds excellent and to let you know when she has booked accommodation. I have a friend like this , makes all these plans to visit that never happen. So now I tell her to get back to me when she has everything booked.

You can carry on being friends just tell her she can't visit/stay with you anymore.

She has taken the piss a lot.
Even when you've told her how it makes you feel.
I would simply not allow her to stay ever again.
I dont know why you still are tbh?

I would have put her in the too hard basket years ago. She’s walking all over you.

So I sent her a message saying I was really pissed off that I had cancelled and rearranged plans for her and then she told me this morning and I have tried to rearrange the plans back and I can’t and how pissed off I am - as it happens every single ducking time added to the fact she NEVER invites me to hers etc she knows my parents are abusive emotionally and physically and that I’ve been having counselling etc her reply ‘my father has been down since last weekend and loading me up with guilt that he hasn’t seen me for ages. I haven’t seen him as I haven’t got home from work until 6 pm each night - you as my BEST friend should know how parents manipulate and guilt you. I am his daughter. This is my duty and it outranks you as my best friend. You should be giving me your blessing not a hard time as you know how parents can be you don’t need to apologise I forgive you asi always do’now her father is a lovely pleasant and deeply supportive dad and has never physically verbally or emotionally abused her. Never in fact she is always borrowing money 1K or 10K for her house and never re pays him etc he adores her and if she thought she wasn’t going to make the weekend why cancel Friday morning and not earlier in the week. I’m fuming. The scales are falling from my eyes but she is my oldest friend and I can’t afford to lose friends right now

Just don't have her come and stay again.

This is horrible. I'm sorry.
I've had people do this, then guilt trip.
Guilt eats me, and you sound similar.
I'm horribly angry on your behalf.

A PP gave the comparison to a hotel booking. You should probably ask her to consider this comparison.

Best case scenario- she believes that her time is infinitely more valuable than yours. Regardless of whether she does it consciously, it is unacceptable.

If the DCs are conscious of her consistent unreliability, this is utterly heartbreaking.
How would it work if you invited her to stay, she arrived, and you had disappeared due to similar circumstances?

But you wouldn't. Nor would I. Nor should she.