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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this worry you?

40 replies

Flamingoballetshoe · 09/07/2021 06:54

I’ve been with my GF for 18 months (both women), and she has a tendency when overwhelmed to withdraw from me and be quite unpleasant. She will refuse to answer my calls / messages and then when she does is very cut off and speaks to me as though I am a stranger. It’s really unpleasant. Something quite small can cause it to happen, even things that are nothing to do with me.

Anyway, in January I had a really sudden horrific nosedive in my MH. It was a combination of things, but then I lost my job due to covid and that seemed to be the tipping factor for me. It was really sudden and I went to the dr and got antidepressants because I went from feeling slightly low and anxious to being unable to function properly. My gf found this hard. She initially withdrew from me and said she didn’t want the worry and hassle and then she wouldn’t respond to me. Anyway we moved past this and sorted things out and after a couple of weeks I felt better again. About six weeks later I mentioned to her - in relation to how poor MH services were - that at the time I’d told the GP I felt suicidal but they weren’t concerned about that. This was on the phone. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her. She then said I was cruel and horrible to tell her that, she hung up on me. She blocked me. On everything. She blocked me from being able to call her. I was frantic, it makes my heart race and I feel sick and anxious.
She eventually calmed down and called me and said she was just so upset because she loves me so much and is so scared something might happen to me.
I definitely wouldn’t ever be able to tell her if I ever felt unwell again.
She has told me that when she feels overwhelmed and upset she wants to hurt me (not physically) and is purposefully unkind.
I love her. Most of the time it’s very good between us. But I’m worried - I’ve been in a long relationship where there was control before and then went into this one and sometimes I step back a bit from it and feel that there’s control in this one as well.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/07/2021 07:00

I'd walk away from this relationship. It's incredibly one sided. She's not supportive of you and openly admits she wants to hurt you sometimes. You love her and she only cares about her by the sounds of things.

Original poster
Flamingoballetshoe · 09/07/2021 07:02

She does love me but she can be unkind and just disconnects totally. Afterwards she says it’s because she loves me so much and is so scared of losing me.
I feel a bit like that’s what people say when abusive - you made me do it, I love you so much.

OP posts:
IsItAKindofDream · 09/07/2021 07:06

There is someone on the step-parenting board in a similar relationship. If it is you, or not, follow the advice there and protect yourself and your children from this abuse.

MiaRoma · 09/07/2021 07:08

She doesn't love you. Love doesn't react like that. Her excuses are pathetic. Please find some self respect and get rid

MagrittesHat · 09/07/2021 07:09

It’s terrible. While it might be her way of coping, it lacks compassion for you and is actually cruel. Please don’t sign up for a future where your partner is not going to be there for you in difficult times. You deserve better and yes, you are right, it could’ve seen as controlling as it is a way of modifying your behaviour.

Don’t stand for this.

Original poster
Flamingoballetshoe · 09/07/2021 07:16

I find it very very stressful if her tone is off slightly and then she stops being in contact with me for a period of time. I never know if she’s just busy or if she’s going to start being unkind. I just have to wait and see. Then if she messages several hours later and is ok the relief is immense.
We aren’t long distance but we don’t live together so in the week we message and call a lot.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/07/2021 07:20

You're in an incredibly unhealthy relationship with a toxic dynamic. You need to prioritise your mental health and end the relationship.

IsItAKindofDream · 09/07/2021 07:20

OP, you said: I definitely wouldn’t ever be able to tell her if I ever felt unwell again.

This is not a relationship.

It is also not a good example of a relationship for your children (if you have any).

myrtlehuckingfuge · 09/07/2021 07:22

You are worth more than this. Go find it. You might find that your mental health improves as a result. I was left to deal with a miscarriage and a cancer scare alone (even though they were technically present) and despite bouts of poor health since I find that since I don't have to deal with their reaction too, it's been a piece of cake in comparison.

Original poster
Flamingoballetshoe · 09/07/2021 07:23

It’s ridiculous I know, but it’s so hard because most of the time it’s great. I feel cared for in a way I never have before, but now I feel this undertone of fear that she will become overwhelmed and it’s like a switch goes. She becomes totally disconnected and then hurtful. I have read about trauma bonding before and I do wonder if there’s an element of this.

OP posts:
NautaOcts · 09/07/2021 07:24

I’m sorry OP but I agree this does not sound a good relationship
Bottom line is she is not there when you need her.
Regardless of the suicide thing which she made all about her, I can’t get past the fact that she didn’t stick by you initially when you were down and said she didn’t want the worry and the hassle. How would you have responded to her if roles were reversed? Very differently I expect. You deserve better and silent treatment/sulking/cold shoulder is a form of abuse.

DinosaurDiana · 09/07/2021 07:25

She isn’t helping your MH, walk away.

IsItAKindofDream · 09/07/2021 07:27

@Flamingoballetshoe

It’s ridiculous I know, but it’s so hard because most of the time it’s great. I feel cared for in a way I never have before, but now I feel this undertone of fear that she will become overwhelmed and it’s like a switch goes. She becomes totally disconnected and then hurtful. I have read about trauma bonding before and I do wonder if there’s an element of this.
Even if you think it is “great” for you most of the time, it is horrific for any children in your life all of the time.

And I’m assuming you have kids and are the same poster on the step-parents board as the details are too similar.

Original poster
Flamingoballetshoe · 09/07/2021 07:29

Yes, she doesn’t have much to do with my children currently.
My MH is usually ok. It’s not as though she’d had months of me battling with it and it had put a strain on her.

OP posts:
IsItAKindofDream · 09/07/2021 07:35

You are not modelling a healthy relationship to your children, whether she has much to do with them or not.

On your other thread, you said she doesn’t get on with one of your children and has been nasty about both of them. Why would you expose yourself and your children to this?

WildfirePonie · 09/07/2021 07:36

Dump her.
She's got you on a roller coaster of feelings that she controls!

This is not how you treat a loved one.

spotcheck · 09/07/2021 07:40

Just because there is a 'reason' for her to treat you badly, doesn't mean that you should have to put up with it.
This is all about control. Hers- over you.

Blueskytoday06 · 09/07/2021 07:43

@MiaRoma

She doesn't love you. Love doesn't react like that. Her excuses are pathetic. Please find some self respect and get rid
This.
Original poster
Flamingoballetshoe · 09/07/2021 07:48

I’d say it happens probably once a month to a greater or lesser degree. It has been as often as every couple of weeks but has been calmer recently.
My previous relationship had control but was more stopping me from doing things, but it was also lacking in depth. This relationship has that but it seems to come with a side helping of really difficult.
Is it always like this? Is being in a relationship one long compromise?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/07/2021 07:51

@IsItAKindofDream

You are not modelling a healthy relationship to your children, whether she has much to do with them or not.

On your other thread, you said she doesn’t get on with one of your children and has been nasty about both of them. Why would you expose yourself and your children to this?

Ah, is this the case OP?
IsItAKindofDream · 09/07/2021 07:51

@Flamingoballetshoe

I’d say it happens probably once a month to a greater or lesser degree. It has been as often as every couple of weeks but has been calmer recently. My previous relationship had control but was more stopping me from doing things, but it was also lacking in depth. This relationship has that but it seems to come with a side helping of really difficult. Is it always like this? Is being in a relationship one long compromise?
This is not normal. Compromise is not allowing one person to abuse you and threaten to hurt you (emotionally or physically).

Take some time away from relationships for a while and work on your self-esteem, for your sake and for your children’s. Do the Freedom Programme.

Somuddled · 09/07/2021 07:52

Blocking you after you opened up to her is not an 'undertone'!!!! It is a fully lit neon sign telling you that this isn't love. Please please understand that. She may think it is, but it isn't. You may think it is, but it isn't.

SmugglersHaunt · 09/07/2021 07:57

No, no, no. This is abuse. She finds out that you’re feeling suicidal and she cuts you off because it’s too stressful for her?! She’s controlling you in the most horrible way. You can do much better than this, for you and your kids

Defiantly41 · 09/07/2021 07:58

Does she recognise that this is not healthy and want to change? If so, I'd recommend some resources on attachment styles, this is a good one, along with a commitment to actually do the work

www.thesecurerelationship.com/

If not, I would walk away, you deserve support and understanding too

couchparsnip · 09/07/2021 08:05

All abuse victims say it's good sometimes.

She's emotionally abusing you when she feels like it and expecting you to put up with it. It's not OK or normal in a relationship for her to want to hurt you

What would happen if you called her out on it?