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Original poster

How important is physical ‘fancying’

34 replies

Savoretti · 09/07/2021 00:16

Mid 50s so no youngster, am just wondering if friendship and compatibility and affection are enough? Quite happy to DTD and be intimate, I just don’t have the phwoar feeling when I look at him and wonder if I’m not being fair on him as he has it for me (and I’m not exactly Miss Perfect)

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/07/2021 00:19

I'd say it's everything.

RickiTarr · 09/07/2021 00:21

My grandmother’s second marriage seemed to work along those lines. He was besotted, she was seemingly more pragmatic and a bit more detached. He is the only husband I remember her having, and I never knew my real grandfather, so it’s not a loyalty issue, but their marriage never looked much fun to me. I always felt for him.

My guess would be that it’s okay at first but it wears thin for the less enthusiast party.

DismantledKing · 09/07/2021 00:23

I don’t think anyone can answer this question for you.

RickiTarr · 09/07/2021 00:24

Also, what if the chap who makes you swoon comes along and you’re entangled in a long term “settling” relationship with this guy?

Either you won’t meet the other one at all because your in staidsville, or you’ll meet him and be torn and regretful. It will happen eventually.

Original poster
Savoretti · 09/07/2021 00:24

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor I certainly don’t think it’s everything as there’s not much backbone to that, but am definitely wondering if best friends and comparability is enough to make it last…

OP posts:
RickiTarr · 09/07/2021 00:25

You’re^

I think the people who can fully embrace “companionship” type relationships don’t need to ask if they can manage in one.

Original poster
Savoretti · 09/07/2021 00:26

Thanks all

OP posts:
Lana07 · 09/07/2021 00:30

I must fancy a man to date him.

Lana07 · 09/07/2021 00:33

If you have healthy hormones, high or medium sex drive and there is no real spark and chemistry, I wouldn't carry on seeing him.

Real Love includes connections on 3 main levels: Mind, Body & Soul.

Maybe with low or no sex drive such relations are possible.

Lana07 · 09/07/2021 00:36

The main instinct won't make it last.

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 00:39

@DismantledKing

I don’t think anyone can answer this question for you.
Quite. It's like saying 'How important is being a non-smoker' or 'How important is loving films'

I'd say though, @Savoretti, any relationship that has you posting on a forum in the early stages is for the bin. If it's bothering you enough that you can't resolve it in your own head, and have to ask a bunch of strangers, you could find someone with whom you feel more settled.

People who are starting healthy relationships are too preoccupied with enjoying everything about each other to be posting their worries on MN.

ilovetomatoes · 09/07/2021 00:40

I think it ebbs and flows. I’m at the phwoar stage with my husband right now but it hasn’t always been like that and I suspect it won’t always be. But we have such deep love and respect for each other, and love being together as friends that I think we will ride the waves.

Lizzie523 · 09/07/2021 00:41

Important. Why else would you bother?

FelicityBeedle · 09/07/2021 00:41

I think people can grow on you, truthfully that happened with DP. He was a wonderful man in every way and I just found him sexier and sexier as time went on, despite original doubts

sunnyzweibrucken · 09/07/2021 02:08

I just ended it with someone where it was just friendship. However if we had compatibility and affection I think we would still be together, even without the phwroar feeling. I do think there has to be a little spark there to help keep you bonded

TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 02:18

There's something worrying about expectation, here. If you don't viscerally and actively want to be touching (or being touched) by somebody intimately, then why would you be doing it? If it's any kind of obligation, that's a mess.

Also, there's the issue of honesty. Personally, I wouldn't want to be intimate with somebody who wasn't really interested in me, but didn't mind me doing it. If you're worried about his feelings, as you say you are, then he needs to know how you're feeling, rather than being allowed to believe that you're strongly attracted to him.

Does he know you don't really fancy him, or have you misled him?

EmeraldShamrock · 09/07/2021 02:23

I think if you're very close otherwise there is room for improvement.
I suspect many couples aren't physically attracted the way they did at the start, most just get on with it.
Phwoar is important too especially if you find it with someone else.
Good question BTW.

Shelddd · 09/07/2021 02:36

At this point in your life do you regularly interact with people who you do find physically find attractive and are any of them interested in you? If so then you shouldn't settle for this person. If not though then your expectations might not match up with reality and then it's a more nuanced thought process that needs to take place.

Dothedo · 09/07/2021 06:47

You know the answer... there is no answer! It really depends why you're asking the question. Are you asking because you feel something is lacking for you and its a problem, or are you asking because you feel that the wider definition of the 'perfect' relationship says you should have those feelings and if you don't then 'something must be wrong'?

For me, a, depth of love, understanding, respect and sharing a life together is what is the most important and most intimate thing you can have with a partner. I'm attracted to my other half but no I don't think phwoaaar every time I see him. I love him and our life together and that's enough, for me. You have to decide what is enough for you.
I certainly don't think that just by asking the question it means that your relationship is doomed. It's normal to re-evaluate things as you get older, as your relationship grows and changes, just as with many things in life.

Dozer · 09/07/2021 06:55

Is this someone you’re in a long term relationship with already, or someone new?

It seems odd to say you don’t fancy him but are or would be happy to have sex with him, ie you don’t seem to have ‘the ick’.

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2021 07:03

For me it’s important I couldn’t shag a man I didn’t fancy. Sex isn’t a service to be performed.

SarahBellam · 09/07/2021 07:13

I think you need a very deep attraction to them. I wouldn’t like to be in relationship where I didn’t feel attractive or desired.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/07/2021 07:17

I definitely don't need to find someone attractive in order to have sex (and enjoy it!) with them... as long as they are a good sexual partner.

Because once I've had sex with them a few times and I know it's going to be really enjoyable, that knowledge kind of brings it's own "phwoar factor" if you get what I mean? Like their external physical appearance may not be drop dead gorgeous or what society thinks of as conventionally attractive, but I know that behind that mild-mannered exterior lies a lean, mean, orgasm giving machine!

My late H was definitely not conventionally attractive - he used to say he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! But once we had had sex a few times that was it. Even though we were separated 2yrs when he died, I still mourned partly for the sex we would never have again. Which may sound strange, but is true.

However - if you're not loving the sex with him, then that's very different. For me personally I could not stick around, because sex is very important to me, it's what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship.

JustAnotherOldMan · 09/07/2021 07:21

I think there has to be something on the physical level initially that makes you attracted to someone, but then has to be a more mental connection to make the relationship work, someone who looks great is lovely, but if they are a complete opposite to what you want as a person, (or as thick as shit), it’s not going to be sustainable going forward

Worldgonecrazy · 09/07/2021 07:35

Similar age and it took me nearly as long to realise physical attraction is extremely important. Five years into a relationship and we still have sex every day because he is so sexually attractive.

The problem is that in our age group most men seem to model themselves on Homer Simpson rather than David Beckham! There are not enough physically attractive men to go round.