Midlife crisis or depression?

[Unhappyclappa]

Just feeling despairing, my birthday is coming up (45yo) and although on the surface everything looks rosy with kids, career, supportive DH, I feel like life is passing me by and I’ve nothing!

I can’t seem to shake this negative and draining feeling.

I can’t talk to anyone in RL as when I do I always feel like they are dismissive or downplay my real moods so I sound like a privileged silly housewife. So stuck 😢

Without further information, given that this is tied to a birthday seemingly, I would go for crisis but I know a number of people with depression who get anxious around their birthdays. This time of life is a time of evaluation isn't it? Sometimes a 'good' MLC can bring about excellent change (I have been subjected to 2 'bad' MLC- divorce). Would you consider counselling and volunteering? Counselling and coaching to help you find out what is not quite right. Voluntary work or mentoring someone at work or otherwise can help you discover a purpose in life. Good luck but I would suggest you don't make any huge decisions without some time to reflect.

Thanks @myrtlehuckingfuge. I’m in counselling and just started AD, it just feels like I’m existing not living, it might be the AD, but I’m feeling very dissociated and although I try to find joy in the smallest activities like helping others through my job, seeing friends being around family I’m not finding it as fulfilling as my younger years. It’s very frustrating and upsetting😞

I think this is quite a common feeling around this time of life. Looking at what you have is amazing....you are very lucky to have everything you have. However, in your mind I think you are asking "Is this it?". Yes, it is it for now. You are in the bunkers raising children, keeping a marriage going and a career functioning. I remember this stage well. I hated it. I then took a step back to see what I needed to do. I planned new stuff to learn, got out of my comfort zone and joined various societies and started to be excited about things I could achieve. I am in my mid to late 50s now and very content and happy with life, but, I had to go through this stage to come out the other side. It is like a mid life crisis but one where you can forge new great things and look forward, not back.

I think that if you feel your feelings are being dismissed by everyone, it's a natural emotional response, not a mid-life crisis, and not depression.

Find new people, or get a counsellor, so that you get listened to. It's really important for wellbeing, for everybody. Not just 45 year old mums with a life that everybody feels should make them happy.

Sorry, just seen your update, and you already have a counsellor. Seems I'm not listening either, dammit!

Thank you all, I’ve mostly stayed in bed today watching rubbish on Netflix, I’ve not felt motivated to be around anyone today, everyone has left me to it. This compounds my mood.

In what way is your husband supportive, if you can stay in bed all day watching Netflix and feeling rubbish, without him offering... well, support?

He doesn’t. Stressed with work and doesn’t need my issues on top of everything apparently. When I ‘moan’ nowadays I get the blank stare, cuddle and then ‘I’m not sure what you want me to say or do, I can’t help you’ despite me listening to him going on about his crap!

I’ve woken this morning probably due to the AD and feel awful still. I also feel unmotivated, I’ve lost a lot of confidence as I’ve put on weight, I’d like to join events, activities but feel self conscious.

For what it's worth, I don't think you should even be on ADs. It's perfectly plain what's wrong here, and it's not depression. Humans are pack animals. If a pack animal feels itself to be different from (ie not understood by) the rest of the pack, that's a direct existential threat for it. Isolation comes first, then ostracisation, then a lion eats you. You must have seen the nature documentaries where there's a deer with a limp hovering around the outside of the group, and there's a predator nearby. You just think 'Oh no - I can see what's coming...'.

I think you're in that position. Not that there's something wrong with you or you're damaged in any way, but because you're not being understood, you feel different from your 'closet' people, which isolates you, and something inside you fears the lion. That's what you're calling 'depression' or a 'mid-life crisis'. But the reason you can't place exactly what it is is that it's neither of those things. You are isolated.

Might I be anywhere near the mark?

If this is the case, it's fixable. Not a doom-laden scenario for you at all. And ADs will just deaden you, so that you'll feel the same, but not care so much. Which sounds awful. Like being sedated, rather than cared for.

Perimenopause also worth looking into here OP.

@Octopuscake my doctor has prescribed as they feel I’m in the stages of menopause.

@TheFoundations I think you may be correct in a scary way as I don’t want to be devoured by this ‘lion’! I don’t know how to reach out to new people, feels daunting at this age and as I’ve said I’ve lost my confidence lately.

I hope I am right, because it's much easier to fix than depression!

Are you able to go outside? I would bet you all the money I have (and let me tell you, I'm rolling in it)*, that if you went out, took a book, walked for around an hour, and then had a coffee in a cafe reading your book, you would feel better. Not healed and cured and mended, but better than you do now. Sod joining clubs if you're feeling low in confidence. Become a regular at a couple of local cafes. Become a familiar face. Allow other faces to become familiar to you. Do you think you could do that?

• I'm not actually rolling in it, but I'll bet you a fiver

@TheFoundations you are cheering me up and yes I might try and give this a whirl (when I feel braver) thank you!

[quote Unhappyclappa]@TheFoundations you are cheering me up and yes I might try and give this a whirl (when I feel braver) thank you![/quote]
You're welcome, and also, this proves my point. As soon as someone starts listening to you, and understanding you, and supporting you, the gloom lifts.

Even if it's just some random Mumsnetter that you've never met who can't get out of a reclined position due to a tragic hangover

You just need to find your people. I see light at the end of the tunnel!

@TheFoundations thank you for your posts as they have really resonated with me too - I’m in a similar situation as the OP. Things are nice (DH, DC all doing ok, job I generally like) but I am getting a little too isolated in this life and it is negatively affecting my mood.

@Unhappyclappa I hope you are feeling a little better today and can get up and about to connect and get your face known out there. Good luck with it all.

@katplva thank you, I don’t as I’ve had another spaced out day but trying to get through and be easy on myself.

I’m still pondering the comment by @TheFoundations about being the outsider of the human pack! I’ve never thought it about that way and the isolation is awful particularly during this lockdown. I actually don’t know what I’ve done to be unconsidered when I feel like I’m there for others😰.

I actually don’t know what I’ve done to be unconsidered when I feel like I’m there for others

It's not about you having 'done' something - it's just a wavelength thing. Happens all the time, people go in and out of tune with each other. You know how radios used to drift and you'd have to tune them in again? It does make it feel more horrible if you're constantly trying to do supportive, loving stuff for others, and you don't feel that that comes back to you.

BUT. If you're good at 'being there' for people, and you need somebody to 'be there' for you, then you are well qualified to help you out. So, focus a bit less on others for a little while. Just enough to give some energy to your own needs. The main person who is out of tune with you is you. Your thread title is 'Strangers who have never met me - please tell me what I'm feeling, because I don't know'

You need to get to know Unhappyclappa.

I'm the same age as you @Unhappyclappa and I'm going through something very similar.

For me, I think I just don't know who I am anymore. In my youth, I had hobbies, plans and more or less knew what I wanted from life. Now I've got those things (lovely but increasingly independent teens, DH, house, career), I sometimes feel cast adrift and lost. I feel like my whole life is lived for and through other people with nothing left for me. Have tried to talk to DH but he just doesn't get it. He gets frustrated with me which makes me feel worse.

However, met up with a mate over the weekend and she said exactly the same thing. Although it's shit, it's a relief to know I'm (and you) are not alone.

@theluckiest thank you for your reply, it’s an awful feeling and glad I’m not alone in feeling this way, hence am questioning if it’s midlife crises? This weekend I feel like I’ve not done anything useful, despite others suggestions on here. I have no energy to get out and my spark has gone. It could be perimenopause I suppose but I’m not so sure after reading comments on here @Octopuscake. It doesn’t help when I hear on social media about lots of house parties and gatherings for the football. It feels like I’m missing out on life, stuck in the house all weekend, crying and eating! I’ve not seen anyone, friends haven’t been in touch and only seem to contact me when they’re having issues of their own or if I’m the fall back friend when others aren’t around. One is going through a particularly messy divorce and sends me long texts about her ex and his new partner but never ever asks about me! I work full time in a small office and they are much younger than me so don’t feel like Ive much in common with them. Its not nice being the weak one of the human pack!

I don’t even know how to get to know me @TheFoundations if I’m honest, hence starting counselling and pills.

@Octopuscake

Perimenopause also worth looking into here OP.

Was going to say the same. I’m 47 and I’ve had some horrendous ‘downs’ of late.

Just started HRT after watching the Davina documentary and even within a week I’m feeling some good effects. Black cloud has lifted and sex life improved already. Creaky joints feel less sore.

Could all be placebo I guess but I know others who’ve improved within a week too.

Thank you @MarkRuffaloCrumble, I watched that too but my GP has started me on AD, not sure you can mix with HRT? How do you take it?

I feel so down and negative and want it to all go away.

Mine is patches - Evorel Sequi - whic has both oestrogen and progesterone in it. I’m sure you can do both HRT and ADs, but it seems that ADs are given out much more freely than HRT for some reason. They have been shown to help hot flushes as well as depression, but all the myriad other symptoms that you probably don’t even notice when you’re down already will still remain with HRT. Definitely worth looking into - at this age you don’t need blood tests to prove anything is up, it’s considered to be a given that by 45 your oestrogen levels will be depleting and replacing them should help. I was always wary of it due to the cancer risk but that documentary illustrated how small the extra risk is, so I’m happy to take it. Hope you get it sorted one way or the other. Life is too short to spend it feeling shit.

I read somewhere that GP ratings/incentives are linked to depression diagnosis, not menopause. Hence a greater focus on “diagnosing” depression and ADs.

I think there isn’t one thing that can make you feel alive again, but many small things that can help.

Cutting back on wheat and carbs, some exercise, whether yoga or walking. Vit D and perhaps B12. Combined with journaling, meditation. Perhaps an online art class or something else that interests?

Take courage, many of us have been there 😊

And I agree with her as well! Although I found that my hormones seemed more “balanced” when combined with other small changes in my life

HRT, I mean!