Midlife crisis or depression?

[Unhappyclappa]

Just feeling despairing, my birthday is coming up (45yo) and although on the surface everything looks rosy with kids, career, supportive DH, I feel like life is passing me by and I’ve nothing!

I can’t seem to shake this negative and draining feeling.

I can’t talk to anyone in RL as when I do I always feel like they are dismissive or downplay my real moods so I sound like a privileged silly housewife. So stuck 😢

Can I just mention something that I don't think anyone has mentioned.... The bloody p*ndemic!

For what it's worth OP, I'm early 30s and can really relate to your post. I've just finished 2 years of intense therapy, so feel like I've resolved most of my issues as much as I can. But we've all experienced a huge level of frustrated life goals, relationship etc over the past 18 months. Try to be a little kinder to yourself over the impact this has had on you. There's a great article about "languishing" being the prevailing mood right now and I so feel that.

I echo a PPs comment that you need to learn how to take care of your own needs first. How we get to know ourselves is trying different things and see what we like and don't like. And asking ourselves "Where did I learn that my needs aren't as important as everyone else's?" Because they absolutely are. If you had no commitments, and all the money in the world, make a list of 5-10 things you'd like to do in the next 10 years. This could be hobbies, holidays, job changes, improvements to relationships, learning/improving a skill. Write them down somewhere and keep referring to it, and once a week/month, do something - no matter how small - towards achieving one of those things. I have a list of volunteer conservation trips I want to do when the world allows. In lieu of that, I just bought my first knitting kit (total beginner). Small steps make the journey.

I won't comment on the perimenoause/HRT, but focusing on movement, and nourishing your body and mind with the right things, those are all going to lift your mood, it's just science.

I hope you feel better soon. Maybe try just one night a week of a creative or mindful task instead of TV. Or just research one of your goals while you watch TV, that's quite passive but can feel like progress. I'm also caught in a massive Netflix spiral and I know it's not helping my mood.

Now I just need to listen to my own advice....

PS Sounds like you need some more attentive friends, and to put your foot down when your people don't take your moods seriously.

Take care of yourself OP.

My first menopausal symptoms were all mood-related. Anxiety, overthinking, feeling lost and adrift, lacking connection with DH, feeling life was just wrong.

I really appreciate your thoughtful and supportive responses, I think I will go back and talk to my GP again about HRT.

It’s partly the pandemic but I did feel like this way before.

Thank you everyone. I’m not feeling too sleepy so I think I might stay up and start making plans as I really need to get rid of this woeful and negative feeling.

Insomnia is another symptom

Hope you get it sorted. Read up on the NICE guidelines and maybe ask if there’s a GP at your practice who specialises in women’s health, to set the scene that you’re not going to be fobbed off.

Thanks @MarkRuffaloCrumble, will do

Also the NICE guidelines say that gps should not be doling our ADs for menopause symptoms. Another one who is not listening.
As above posters have said, see if you can find a menopause clinic near you or at least a gp that has had some training.

Sorry you feel like this. Bit older but feeling similarly. Also watched the Davina McCall programme and am planning to talk to gp ASAP.
It's a horrible feeling isn't it?

Thanks both, it really is. I don’t like feeling useless and past it😰. Look after yourself @Skybluepinkgiraffe, this thread has really been helpful and supportive for me.

OP, lots of good advice from PPs.
May I just add that, statistically, the 40’s are the most miserable stage of life. Don’t assume that the rest of your age group are all having a wild old time, and there’s something wrong with you, because it’s just not true!
Women in their 40’s are weighed down by children, elderly parents, career stress, mortgage commitments, perimenopause, and self esteem/image issues over losing their youthful looks. It’s a gruelling and horrible stage of life.
But let me reassure you - it doesn’t last! Your best years are yet to come. I speak from the vantage point of my 60’s, with no responsibilities whatsoever, and the freedom to totally please myself. DC grown up, parents long gone, retired from high pressure career, mortgage paid off. Life (at least pre Covid!) a jolly whirl of holidays, cruises, concerts, meals out, visits to/by the now adult (and great fun) DC, hobbies, etc.
Hang on in there, OP. Start putting yourself higher up the priority list, start at least thinking about what you would like to do when you have more time to indulge your interests. And do one nice thing for yourself each day - even small things like a coffee in a cafe, a walk, a long soak in the bath, a box of favourite chocs. You will cone out the other side of this - we all do.

@Babdoc thank you for this, I’ve had a terrible evening and seeing this has given me some hope for the future. It does feel like my forties have sucked very badly!

Absolutely echo what those here are saying about menopause .
The current pandemic doesn’t help of course but your symptoms sound very similar to what I was experiencing prior to hrt
I’ve experienced hard times in life, depressions etc but for me menopause hitting was just next level , so know you’re not alone

And yes better times are ahead , it improves as many have said

@Shellady thank you so much ❤️