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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mourning the family I dont have

48 replies

OhToBeASeahorse · 08/07/2021 18:54

My friend has just sent me a video of the reunion between her and her children and her mum and stepdad and 2 of her siblings. The absolute joy and warmth was unmistakable.

I don't have that. My dad is an alcoholic Nazi sympathiser. He loves me but I couldn't tell you a single thing he taught or gave me advice on.

My mum is overbearing and utterly controlling. Again no advice or guidance. Nothing is a secret, she can't hold a confidence

I've many siblings but we arent close. I was sexually abused by my brother.

My DH's parents are divorced. We've seen his dad twice in 3 years. His mother remarried and had 3 kids with her 2nd husband. The difference in treatment is heartbreaking. Neither FIL nor step FIL has met our youngest who is 9 months.

I'm just so sad about it tonight. I'm lucky in many ways I know but I just wish I had that relationship

OP posts:
YarnOver · 08/07/2021 19:02

I've sent you a pm. Hope that's ok

Howcanthisbe123 · 08/07/2021 19:10

I think you would find more people feel this way than you realise.

I’d love to have had a normal family with normal parents so I could know what family feels like too.

I have my own family now and whilst it’s not the same I can give them what I always missed.

MartyHart · 08/07/2021 19:16

If it's any comfort even in the families that are big and spend a lot of time together/seem to like each other it isn't all sweetness and light.
My family is tiny and fraught with difficulties.
My DH's family is huge, loads of aunts and uncles, millions of cousins. They organise a lot of get togethers and there's always weddings etc BUT they bitch incessantly about each other, there are always some of them not speaking, everything is drama. Yet if you look from outside it looks like the Waltons. Especially if you believe the accompanying social media nonsense.
I stay at home now and let him take the kids to the meet ups. I couldn't stand having them all in my business all the time.
I'm really sorry for what you have gone through and totally get why you feel the way you do. Just wanted to put another perspective on it. Have you sought any kind of therapy to help you deal with the past?
My mum was neglected as a kid and ended up NC with her parents (they died a long time ago) and counselling really helped her find peace.

1WayOrAnother2 · 08/07/2021 19:21

Sorry you are sad OP.

Does it help to look forwards and think about the kind of family you are building for your own children?

Cam2020 · 08/07/2021 19:35

That must be really sad for you, OP, bit I agree with PPs - things are not always what they seem.

You have your own family now, those are the people to focus on and to build the life you want with.

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 08/07/2021 19:45

I think 2bh that's what made it worse, seeing her young children run into the arms of their grandparents..

OP posts:
LoonyMoony · 08/07/2021 23:09

I can sympathize. Lots of broken or distant relationships in mine and DH’s families. Some we are fond of, others we are NC with, but we most definitely are not the big fun close family that I would love to have.

LoonyMoony · 08/07/2021 23:10

I live abroad and wish I could join in with the “we so want to get back to the UK to see family, it’s been too long”….

AbsStar · 08/07/2021 23:14

I sadly can totally empathise.

I think there are quite a lot of us with no family. I feel sad for my children too.

Sorry you're feeling sad. It really sucks.

LunaTheCat · 08/07/2021 23:18

I understand the feeling 😢.
I also think that beneath the happy exterior there are often quiet griefs and resentments.
I have little family but I work hard to create my own - I try to include people of all generations and stages in my friendship circle.

MazDazzle · 08/07/2021 23:24

Yes, it sucks. My situation is different to yours, but I can relate.

My dad died when he was 49. From that moment on it felt like I lost not just him, but in a way, my mum too. It’s like she stopped being a parent and did her own thing. She’s met someone else and moved on. I don’t feel particularly comfortable in her new house and she rarely visits me. My DC even make jokes that their granny doesn’t like kids!

It’s a similar situation in my DH’s family: his parents separated and his dad’s met someone else. My DH doesn’t feel like he belongs in either of their homes. On the rare occasion we see them, it’s awkward.

I’d love to have a family home to return to. Somewhere to go for Sunday lunch.

Hopefully one day our homes will be welcoming to our own children!

GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 23:38

Absolutely understand. I have an alcoholic parent that really does love me but can only really focus on herself and spends half the year very unwell and/or angry at me. My dad wont admit it but resents I exist, was a neglectful and abusive parent but now lives the life of luxury. No interest in my family.

I feel that because I live in an area where lots of people do have hands on family around a lot it kind of picks at the wound/scab more. A sharp "oh I/my kids don't have that" each time. Ive accepted they wont ever be proper parents/grandparents but we are strugfling through life and navigating some contact with them when they see things so very differently is so hard. And without any emotional support. I think it hits so hard, the trauma growing up but then again the adulthood without the firm foundation or the life skills...

Bargebill19 · 08/07/2021 23:43

It is crap. I don’t have an answer. For me I either put on my game face and pretend it doesn’t matter I’m happy just the same. Or I sit and cry it all out on my own.
They say time helps - it doesn’t. It’s a form of loneliness to which their is no cure.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 08/07/2021 23:45

I am in a similar situation with different specifics. I feel so let down by my family all the time and envious of "proper" families.

OneMoreForExtra · 08/07/2021 23:54

I'm so sorry for what you went through OP. And I completely understand how crushing these glimpses of alternative ways of being can be, that just poleaxe us with the startlingness of the contrast.

FWIW it sounds like you've overcome a lot by establishing a relationship and family for yourself. My childhood didn't have the challenges yours did, but I had enough to stop me from forming healthy relationships until my late 30s. I'm very very late to the family party and am in awe of people who managed to create a home and a partnership. Those are the vignettes that crush me.

ElvishFun · 09/07/2021 00:03

I can totally relate to this. It hurts. The trouble is when you have had no proper family yourself , the tendency tends to be to focus everything on our own children. So if things go wrong there, it’s devastating.
I think there are problems in many families who present as happy loving and supportive. Underneath the veneer many things lurk.

LindyLou2020 · 09/07/2021 00:04

Hi @OhToBeASeahorse!
Neither my husband nor I had the kind of loving families we wish we had had. We've both wasted too much time talking about our sometimes difficult upbringings, and we only started recalling all the shitty stuff when we ourselves became parents. But I now realise that I can't change how things were then, but I can refuse to let history repeat itself.
So, we've tried to give our kids the kind of childhood we would have liked.
And that is what you and your husband can do for your children Flowers
Build your own family - it's all you can do.
And a couple of other points - as other PPs have said - don't get too jealous about your friend's video. No family is perfect, and all families have issues of one sort or another.
Also, I have good friends who I regard as "substitute" brothers and sisters - what's that old adage - "you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends", or something like that........

CrackOnOrGoHome · 09/07/2021 00:32

I know how you feel OP. Both parents dead, but I didn't have a healthy relationship with DF anyway. NC with only sibling because of her bullying and narcissistic tendencies. Divorced, no kids. I can count the amount of friends I have on one hand. I feel so sad when I see family and friends pouring love over each other and wonder what I did that was so wrong that no one has ever wanted to pour love over me in that way. My mum was the loveliest person in the world but when she died it all went to shit.

JanuaryJonez · 09/07/2021 01:18

Sending love to all the posters on here with sad stories, but I'd like to give some perspective.

I'm married with two DCs and have a great relationship with my nearby parents and sister (who is childless due to cancer). All my cousins are in the US and Australia, so we keep in touch sporadically on social media.

My DH on the other hand has local parents, two brothers, two aunts and uncles and eight cousins. We're building a good relationship with the brothers & wives but the cousins are another planet. Yet on social media we're all getting on famously!

IME social media masks a lot of complex stuff!

GiantToadstool · 09/07/2021 07:04

I know social media hides stuff but youve just listed that there's people both sides of your family that you are close to? Or did I miss something.

Its a bit like telling a person who wants a partner or kids that having a partner or having kids isnt all good... (no of course it isnt...but it may still be something they're missing and yes having kids and a partner has enriched my life.)

Or people in big houses saying "its not all good... so much cleaning!"

Roselilly36 · 09/07/2021 07:12

I can empathise OP, it’s really shit, I am in a very similar situation, not what I would have chosen, but how life has turned out for me. Try to focus on the good things in your life. It helps. Sending you a hug Flowers

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 09/07/2021 07:24

@GiantToadstool er no you've totally misread my post. I've said my brother sexually abused me and that's like moaning a big house is hard to clean? Did you think that was an appropriate response?

@LindyLou2020 you are absolutely right. DH and I keep saying 'if we are lucky enough to be grandparents we will...'. It's the only thing we can do.

OP posts:
ScandiCrimeFan · 09/07/2021 07:30

I feel for you OP, I’m in a similar situation and haven’t seen my parents for almost nine years. I would have loved to be part of DP’s family, but they care for blood relatives only and are very insular and only interested in what’s going on in their little village. Although reading on Mumsnet about nosy, overbearing in-laws, I’ve probably had a lucky escape!

GiantToadstool · 09/07/2021 07:32

@ohtobeaseahorse oh gosh no I meant just the opposite!! I think myprevious post said I had an abusive childhood too -

I meant its okay to mourn what we dont have without people saying to us "oh having a close family/loving family isn't all perfect you know." In the similar way when someone is mourning not having a child they want or being single when they don't want to be and people think it's "helpful" somehow to point out that having these things arent all good

. People sometimesseem to think that helps instead of saying, no its shot your family are crap, yes you are missing out on close family. IME I've needed to properly bereave that (with counselling) rather than have people say "at least you dont need to worry about where to go at xmas" or "its not all good." In order to move on. And it still hurts.

GiantToadstool · 09/07/2021 07:33

Shit not shot.
Sorry my post came across the opposite!!

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