Mourning the family I dont have

[OhToBeASeahorse]

My friend has just sent me a video of the reunion between her and her children and her mum and stepdad and 2 of her siblings. The absolute joy and warmth was unmistakable.

I don't have that. My dad is an alcoholic Nazi sympathiser. He loves me but I couldn't tell you a single thing he taught or gave me advice on.

My mum is overbearing and utterly controlling. Again no advice or guidance. Nothing is a secret, she can't hold a confidence

I've many siblings but we arent close. I was sexually abused by my brother.

My DH's parents are divorced. We've seen his dad twice in 3 years. His mother remarried and had 3 kids with her 2nd husband. The difference in treatment is heartbreaking. Neither FIL nor step FIL has met our youngest who is 9 months.

I'm just so sad about it tonight. I'm lucky in many ways I know but I just wish I had that relationship

I have been awake since 5am thinking exactly the same. We have it on both sides. My own mother had (still does but much better) mental health issues. We were all pretty much neglected and had to raise ourselves. She does really hurtful things. My siblings are very difficult people to deal with, alcoholic brother, sister is narcissistic and very selfish. I barely see them anymore. I have a cousin that lives on the next street and doesn't even recognise me. My grandma was narcissistic and really horrible around children (us).

So I have never really know what it is to have a 'normal' family. I thought I was marrying into a good family and naively thought they would be a surrogate family - turns out loads of abuse and neglect behind closed doors and a Christian facade.

I have been through it all with my counsellor and now I just look after my own children the best I can (I sometimes over compensate) and prioritise my own needs over family of origin. It's really hard and I do get a pang of mild jealousy when I see close families. xx

@GiantToadstool oh I'm so so sorry I completely misunderstood you. I'm sorry I was so rude!
Yes I know what you mean. My friend's family arent perfect but it's pretty bloody close, I know that what she send me or what is on social media is a very accurate representation.

You are absolutely right, there really is no point trying to console myself with 'at least I dont have to...'logic. Accepting it is the only way.

Thank you for being so kind when I was so rude. Sorry again

I'm in a similar situation. Parents both died many years ago, and my only sibling died seven years ago. I never had any grandparents, uncles or aunts either. I never missed them because you don't miss what you never had.. But, looking forward, I've got 2 sons and 2 adorable grandchildren. No inlaws - is that a good thing? Maybe...

Sorry Ohtobeaseahorse. In my original post I was replying to the poster above me that had a ton of close family and was doing the "here's some perspective" line which genuinely isn't helpful. People that have close family can sometimes not see how difficult it is without, especially when struggling with parenting/children. Almost like the threads we have on here "oh its so hard managing on a billion pounds in London" - yes I'm sure there's budgetting issues but that isn't helpful to say to someone who is genuinely struggling.

I can see how it looks like I was replying to you!

Don't be sad. I have exactly the same in my family. Biological dad left when I was 5, no contact for 45 years and then a couple of brief messages which meant nothing. Emotional draining mother died 15 years ago and a brother who doesn't speak to me or my sister because his wife doesn't like us! I feel I have missed out on the big family thing too, can count the weddings/get togethers we have been to on one hand, but I now have 3 children and a grandchild so have my own family. Spent most of my life jealous of people with a big close family wondering what I had done so wrong not to have that. My husband is an only child, both parents dead, so there is nothing on his side either. I suppose what I am saying is cherish what you do have because you are not alone!

Oh and school runs were the hardest! Lots of grandparents/relatives collecting their children whilst my lovely gorgeous children didn't have that. The times I wanted to cry my heart out - I felt so bloody guilty!!!

I’m lucky in some ways in that I have a very loving mum who is involved in our lives and adores the children, but I’m an only child and lost my dad very young so have never known those kind of relationships. My relationship with my mum is generally good but intense and I am actively dreading her getting old as there is only me to shoulder the burden.

I have lots of cousins and aunts & uncles who I’m v close to and enjoy those relationships - I treat my cousins’ children like nieces and nephews.

DH comes from a big family (one of 6) with both parents and I don’t envy him one bit. His mother is manipulative and mean-spirited, his dad is pretty disinterested and he is only really close to one of his siblings. Although, on paper, he has the ‘better’ family I certainly wouldn’t swap!

As an adult, I’ve built up a big supportive network of friends who feel like family. As PPs have said, I have friends of all ages whom I’ve met through work, interests, church etc including a wonderful, hilarious couple who are in their 80s who now feel like grandparents to me, having lost my own.

I sometimes envy friends who have loving relationships with their dad or are really close to a sibling and feel sad for myself and that’s ok. I think the answer is to focus on building the family you want your children to have.

I completely understand OP. I have had a similar situation. Focus on your own small family, make it the best possible.
My DSs have families of their own and are wonderful partners and fathers ( not just mum boast).
I mourned my EA family and DH had now diseased parents, who cut off their own families.
What’s past is gone.

@1WayOrAnother2

Sorry you are sad OP.

Does it help to look forwards and think about the kind of family you are building for your own children?

This. When I was reading your post @OhToBeASeahorse I was expecting at the end that you were going to say you were also childless, were too old to have kids, and had no husband!!

You have got family - they're right there in the house with you and SO many people without husband's or children would kill to have that

So sorry about what you experienced with your brother, worth going for therapy if you have already
Yes it's horrible your parents and other family members aren't what others have (I have a troubled family background myself so struggled with envy in the past with those who have close loving families) but count your blessings. So many people have abusive families AND no kids/partner, or they have the loving parents but no dearly longed for family of their own.

Really? Again? Thats like saying to someone who has lost a leg, "at least you have your arm," or similar.

It IS okay to mourn having had a close family, and the effect an abusive childhood has had. Its very common for childhood trauma to "reemerge" when you have children and again as they go through different stages and you see yourself at that age.

It took counselling for me to stop minimising the abuse/trauma/loss (oh its not as bad as X or at least I have y) and to call it what it was. Its only by bringing it out into the open and stopping minimising/repressing that I was able to move towards acceptance. Its still bloody hard.

@SarahDarah as I said I'm very thankful for the family I have. But that doesnt mean you cant mourn what you dont have does it? Why would I have to be childless in order to be sad that I dont have a relationship with my parents? Why cant I be sad that my children dont have loving grandparents?

@GiantToadstool thank you

It’s a form of loneliness to which their is no cure.

I hadn't thought of it like this but it's true. I'm in a similar boat and understand all that you have written. I'm headed to therapy soon for this and other reasons.

@OhToBeASeahorse never said anywhere that you can't be sad...

As I said I've had similar experience myself. But you have to look at at the huge positives in life as well, otherwise things will never be in perspective and you will continue ruminating on a situation you can't control. It's more than understandable to feel down about it sometimes but dont let your childhood family rob you of joy in your present as well as in your past. This is where therapy is so vital.

Would you rather have the loving parents/siblings than a loving husband and a child? Either situation is hard and it can feel unfair that there are people who get both, but for most people, if they had to choose, they'd rather have the loving husband and kids than the loving parents. Also many people who seemingly have it all family wise have sufferings and tragedies of their own, whether you see them or not. Plus as I said before, there are those who have neither loving childhood families or immediate families.

The reality is countless women, especially nowadays, don't have the husband and /or child they desperately want. Just look at for example, the sheer numbers of threads on here with women terrified they're about to run out of time to find a good guy who wants to commit, for them to have kids with before they lose their fertility forever.

Regardless of how close anyone is to their childhood family, your immediate family is the one you're closest to and is your future. You see them day in and day out. Focus on them and in ensuring that your own child has an emotionally healthy and happy upbringing.

and a brother who doesn't speak to me or my sister because his wife doesn't like us!

I've got this going on too. I am devastated that she has managed to come between my brother and me. Plus a toxic and neglectful mother who has succeeded in triangulating myself and my siblings so has exacerbated things. No-one on husband's side (deceased etc.)

Today has been pretty triggering. Thanks to lockdown, I've not had constant reminders but today neighbour to left has her children and grandchildren visiting. Other neighbour is out (no doubt visiting her son and grandchildren and doing various chores for them as she does regularly on the weekend). Neighbour opposite has a friend visiting. Cars and noise everywhere. Lockdown was positive from this point of view (obviously not the devastating deaths etc.) I wasn't reminded how shitty and lacking my own extended family are.

Having said that, yes I have dc of my own. Obviously I am beyond grateful but today has been a painful reminder of what I don't have i.e. - a loving extended family. I've watched two women nearby experience relationship breakdowns, their mother's have been right there offering comfort, advice and support. It's not a nice knowledge that in the event of something like this happening to me, there is literally no one. I can't help but feel bitter.

@ohtobeaseahorse I can totally were you are coming from x my in-laws are pathetic grandparents, no support from them no interest the FIL shows more interest in the family dog! , I'm constantly walking on eggshells around my own DM, she has no relationship with my DC either she is more interested in me, the kids are given about 5 mins attention and then that's it? I see all these grandparents picking up at school time or see friends going off for date nights or weekends away with the happy knowledge their kids are all being looked after by supportive family and that is alien to me it's never been offered, I can't believe how rubbish they all are to be honest, it makes me determined to be an amazing support for my children. It still hurts though.

You are married with young children OP

That is your family

[quote OhToBeASeahorse]@SarahDarah as I said I'm very thankful for the family I have. But that doesnt mean you cant mourn what you dont have does it? Why would I have to be childless in order to be sad that I dont have a relationship with my parents? Why cant I be sad that my children dont have loving grandparents?[/quote]
So why post on AIBU?

So why post on AIBU?

1. This is not AIBU.
2. What exactly is your point?

Is someone with children not allowed to feel sad about the things they missed out on?

@Marmitemarinaded er... I didnt?

My mistake

Apology accepted, no problem.

@PeacheyPeach snap. Having children was obviously our choice but it is relentless and it would be so wonderful to have grandparents who were willing and able to help