DH awful comments?

[moragthewitch]

Married over 25 years 2 teens (daughters). My DH would think he is not these things, but I am increasingly seeing him as a controlling misogynistic man. He thinks he is funny - and would see me as not taking a joke. For the record I am not in any way a jealous woman (he is the other way round). I don't have a problem with him finding another woman attractive but I do have a problem with things he says about women. and how he judges them. He will say quite sexual things about women he finds attractive and really horrible things about women he feels are unattractive. I am uncomfortable about this to say the least and pull him up on it. The other week he said something I now keep going over. Talking about a female colleague that he sometimes works with (and enjoys her company) he made a comment about how he was looking forward to working with her (not a problem) and then made a joke about "knocking the back out of her" behind the shed. I was so appalled he would say that to me and that he would say that about her (I am sure she would be mortified). I was too stunned to even say something on this occasion. I am sure he has completely forgotten he has said this but it keeps going around my head. I don't even like him telling me how attractive he finds me now as I don't want to just be judged by looks (I'm no supermodel but think I am okay for knocking on 50). I can't stop thinking about it (genuinely not from a jealously point of view but from the ick point of view. ) How can i approach this without the "you can't take a joke" thing being thrown back at me.

"I hope you don't talk like that at work? That sort of comment hasn't been acceptable since the 1970's"

Next time the window cleaner /postman comes tell dh you wouldn't mind giving him one.

It's a horrid, derogatory thing to say about someone and I'm not surprised it's given you the ick!

Ugh, he sounds rapey. I assume he enjoys making women feel uncomfortable and potentially vulnerable? He actively seeks out to do this?

thats gross. Im not bothered by my partner finding people attractive but I really wouldnt want him making vile sexual comments about other women, and tbh, i think its really bad for kids to grow up hearing constant comments on other womens appearances, good or bad

Implying you find someone attractive is one thing ... That comment is something else entirely.

There's something wrong with him if he thinks that's an appropriate thing to say in front of his partner (or at all strictly speaking).
I don't think you're going to change that something wrong with him. He either absolutely clueless and filterless or he has absolutely no respect and actually enjoys talking about having aggressive sex with other women "jokily" to you.

Did you say he was a jealous type too?

Fk.

Why don't you say something equivalent about a man and then say it's a joke, he can't take a joke if he gets annoyed.

But it's futile, really.

I doubt he's going to stop or change.

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Next time the window cleaner /postman comes tell dh you wouldn't mind giving him one.

That's mild compared to his comment. You gave to say something like "I'd like to ride him like a Shetland pony on gymkana day" or "I'd love him to knock the back out of me".

Won't do any good though.

It sounds horrible. I’d be really upset by that comment from anyone. Friend, partner, relative

Jesus what a creep, definitely not ok OP
I’m sorry OP, clearly he has no respect (or care) for you or your feelings

If my DH said something like that to me in that way he would be out on his arse, I’d be too concerned for the impression or misconceptions our DD’s would be getting from a pig like that

Christ I could not be putting up with that shit. Wtf is actually wrong with him.

Thing is, you can stop him saying it, but you can’t stop him thinking it and now you know he’s a vile sexist prick

He sounds like a pig. I wouldn’t go anywhere near a man who says things like that.

Oh good Lord. Do you think he's making ever more extreme comments to get a reaction out of you? If he says anything close to that at work I'd imagine he will be jobless soon.

If he doesn't understand or want to understand why that sort of comment makes him a dick, then discussion is probably not going to convince him, is it? All you can do is talk to your daughters about why it's wrong, discuss how to deal with it and try to rebuild their confidence despite his undermining them. Would it improve their lives if he was in it less?

Why are you trying to avoid him saying you have no sense of humour? Because you want him to admit that it's not funny? (Unlikely to happen.) Or because it makes you feel like he's right and so ... what?

He sounds like a teenager!
I don’t get offended or grossed out easily but a grown man saying that is gross.
The main thing is though is that he is saying it because he knows that it affects you and that you don’t like it - that’s a big issue.

I haven't heard that expression before. Yuck

I divorced one of these

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

"I hope you don't talk like that at work? That sort of comment hasn't been acceptable since the 1970's"

I can assure you it wasn't acceptable then either.

He has teenage daughters. One day someone may speak about them in this way. I wonder how he would feel?

I couldn’t be near someone like that. You owe it to your daughters to tell him how disgusting he is.

Oh god. If my DH said anything like that I don’t think I’d ever look at him again the same way

Eww I'm so sorry op. Sorry that you have to live with it. Sorry for your daughters and what messages they will get from him, and sorry for the women he is commenting. If I thought a work colleague was thinking something like that about me I would be seriously disturbed.

Have you tried responding each time calmly with 'As if she'd look at your twice' (raised eyebrows).

But seriosuly, as others have said, even if he stopped saying these things, you'd know he thinks them, and you'd know he's said them in the past to upset you. So he'll still be who he is, and who wants that?

I can see why you've got the ick. I suspect it won't leave you now.

Play his game. Tell him you keep fantasising about sex with his friend/colleague Jim and wondering what his cock's like.

@2bazookas

Play his game. Tell him you keep fantasising about sex with his friend/colleague Jim and wondering what his cock's like.

OP shouldn't lower herself to his level, he will either get angry and use it as justification for being an arsehole or he won't care and then she's just said stuff she doesn't actually think and will feel crap about it.

I couldn't be with a misogynist OP. Especially with daughters.

I think unfortunately you've seen a side of him it's going to be impossible to unsee now.

Like PP I feel sorry for you, his daughters and the women he works with who are just showing up to do their job not knowing some creep is talking about 'knocking the back out of her'.

I would be tempted to ask him how he will feel when his girls do work experience at some point, or are in their first jobs, or at any point in their life - if someone in the office spoke about them that way, even if it wasn't to their face. Would he think it was acceptable and a bit of harmless fun? Or would he think they were creepy fuckers? The latter, I assume.

Not many people as hypocritical as misogynist men with daughters they claim to love. Yet perpetuate the issues in society that make life much, much more difficult for their daughters throughout their entire life.

Ugh. Stop the world I want to get off today.

Grim! I hope he doesn’t say such things in front of his daughters? I’d be asking him how he’d feel if a man said those things about his daughters?

Has he always been like this? He needs to know that he is being disrespectful to you, your daughters as well as his female colleague.

His comments are sleazy and immature and gave no place in your relationship or anywhere for that matter.