DH awful comments?

[moragthewitch]

Married over 25 years 2 teens (daughters). My DH would think he is not these things, but I am increasingly seeing him as a controlling misogynistic man. He thinks he is funny - and would see me as not taking a joke. For the record I am not in any way a jealous woman (he is the other way round). I don't have a problem with him finding another woman attractive but I do have a problem with things he says about women. and how he judges them. He will say quite sexual things about women he finds attractive and really horrible things about women he feels are unattractive. I am uncomfortable about this to say the least and pull him up on it. The other week he said something I now keep going over. Talking about a female colleague that he sometimes works with (and enjoys her company) he made a comment about how he was looking forward to working with her (not a problem) and then made a joke about "knocking the back out of her" behind the shed. I was so appalled he would say that to me and that he would say that about her (I am sure she would be mortified). I was too stunned to even say something on this occasion. I am sure he has completely forgotten he has said this but it keeps going around my head. I don't even like him telling me how attractive he finds me now as I don't want to just be judged by looks (I'm no supermodel but think I am okay for knocking on 50). I can't stop thinking about it (genuinely not from a jealously point of view but from the ick point of view. ) How can i approach this without the "you can't take a joke" thing being thrown back at me.

Not surprised you've got the "ick"

That would repel me, to the point I'd even find it hard to have sex with him. I suspect that's what will happen with you sooner or later.

He's no respect for you. No respect for women. An uncouth sexist boor.

He's likely viewed as a creep/sleaze at work and you sound to be far, far too good for him. You have standards. He doesn't.

I’d hazard a guess that many men think like this and even if they do not verbalise it says it in their heads.

Are you upset he thinks that way or he reveals how he thinks?

I don’t have any advice other than to say if we knew what was going on in people’s minds and if they had to verbalise it, we’d all run for the hills.

If you have lost respect and love for your husband then divorce him. You can be a thought police so that’s the only way to have peace.

You CAN’T be a thought police.

I’d 100% end my marriage over this. Because it’s not about a “joke”, is it? It’s about his deeply entrenched misogynistic views and the aggressive nature of his sexual feelings about women. “Knocking the back out” of a woman does not imply a consensual encounter to me, it implies exactly the opposite. And whilst he may pass this off as a joke (and whilst some people may make excuses that “many men think like this” 🙄), actually it's not normal. Or acceptable. At all. There are plenty of men who would also be sickened at this.

Having fantasies or fleeting attractions to other people? Fine. Verbalising these to your partner? Pretty disrespectful and I'd question why someone would do that. Talking to your wife in sexually aggressive, degrading terms about someone you work with (or anyone, for that matter)? Fucking appalling.

@Coolandclamy

You CAN’T be a thought police.

He didn’t just think it

Op is gross and disrespectful, both to you and her to say those thing
Maybe just come straight out and tell him and when he pulls the I can’t make a joke crap , ask him if it’s ok that another man made that ‘ joke ‘ about you recently ?

How do you think she'd see you? while looking him up and down slowly

@Shellady did you actually read my post?

Your H is a dick and you know it and pulling him up on his creepy bullshit, unsurprisingly hasn’t changed him. Has his creepy arsehole escalation changed anything? Only you can decide but your H is exactly the type of man I wouldn’t want anywhere near my child, male or female.

Was he always like this?

I couldn't live with that and I would tell him he's being divorced.

@moragthewitch

Does he talk like that around your DD's ??

Would he be happy if someone else talked about his DD's like that too ??

I'm afraid I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that what he says is highly offensive and is actually abuse !!

And how dare he say things regarding your 'attractiveness' now ! . Who does he think he is FFS ? Is he Gods gift to bloody women ??

In all honesty, I'd be getting rid of the prick asap , and I'm wondering what is it exactly that is keeping you with him ?? Because I can see no redeeming features in him from what you've written !

I just have an overriding sense of blech and want to vomit.

@Coolandclamy I think you are right that lots of men think like this. My husband often tells me how horrible men are when they are all together and no women are around. Makes me despair for the future of my girls and what they have to put up with.

@Shellady ironically someone did make a similar comment about me just the week before on FB (I had a work related post on there with a photo of me - I won't go into what my job is as that might be a bit outing). When I told him he laughed and said "don't you think that is a bit funny?" I explained to him how totally unfunny it was and how many unsolicited messages I get from creepy guys on my work page. I also explained what it was like for his teenage daughters constantly getting whistled at or cat called when they were out, getting "dick pics" sent to them from random strangers on social media and the effect this has on women having to be aware of their "behaviour" because of men he said he didn't realise and that he was sorry.....then about a week later he said that

I agree he is a pig. How does he think anyone would feel hearing their partner say they wantvto f*ck someone else. He has no respect for you.

You deserve better!

You could try telling him that he can carry on saying whatever he wants but he must understand that you find it repulsive and it's hard for you to find someone repulsive attractive or sexy.

It's not about jealousy,it's about respect, why would a married man say that deeply offensive thing about a colleague to his WIFE????

Think that would be it for me OP.

I find this helpful

It sounds to me like you’ve got the ‘ick’ , as I’ve seen written on MN before.
Do you find him attractive, do you want to kiss him etc ? Or are you turned off by his attitude ?
If you reach the resentment phase it will be over.
If you want to save the marriage you need to talk about his attitude and the way he talks about women.

I would look at him with a disgusted face and say, "Wow have you really changed or did I not realise how unpleasant you actually are?"

@Downunderduchess

I find this helpful

Perfect.

Everytime he does it, text him this.

Eventually it might start to sink it.

I would tell him the truth 'every time you say stuff like this it makes me love you a little less and find you less and less attractive, there will come a point where you've killed my feelings for you entirely if you carry on'. It's probably pointless but at least he's been warned, I'd be ensuring my ducks were in a row and I had my own money in the meantime as once your eyes are open to his misogynistic crap you can't un-see it and it will kill your love for him eventually, sorry OP

“ knocking the back out of her? What with?”

Someone I work with apparently says “ I’d smash that” when an attractive woman appears. (A male friend told me since he wouldn’t say it in front of me.) These guys think that every man is like that and it’s just banter. If you’re ever unfortunate enough to find yourself in bed with them they’re typically sub par in the sex department. If you complain OP he will say something to placate you but that comment is a little window into what he thinks of women.