to think telling a 31 year old virgin they aren't missing out on anything is ludicrous?

[CareyCarey]

I've really been struggling with my loneliness and singleness, so I decided to try seeing a therapist.

It's a load of shite and it's making me feel worse.

She keeps saying that I need to see myself as complete before I start a relationship. I am not complete! I have never had an adult relationship, or had to negotiate living together or anything that goes along with that.

My self esteem is pretty woeful, but that is because I am so fucking lonely. I have hobbies, and platonic friends, I'm usually out and about (especially now life is coming back together) but I don't have someone to come home to at night, I don't have someone I can rely on, I don't have someone to make coffee for in the morning. I've been on holiday alone, I've been to weddings alone, I go to the beach and to museums, all alone.

I am so sick of it :(

Don’t be afraid to take a while out from dating, and do it in cycles. If you have a while when you’re in the mood and have the energy, line up dates for a while. Don’t ever go on a date with a guy without having a date lined up with someone else for later that week. But then when you’ve reached enough and feel your enthusiasm for dating waning, take a break, renew yourself for a new cycle.

Random suggestion: my Dsis met her DP through self-defence training and it seems to be a really good way to meet men. Unlike proper martial arts, self-defence attracts a mix of men and women, and the men are not alpha types - they tend to be ones who feel slightly vulnerable and I think this might make them less likely to be arseholes. See if you can find a club with a social scene :)

what the therapist is trying to say is you can't just say well my self esteem is low and it's going to remain that way until I have a relationship!

But.... it is. There is no amount of weight I can lose, yoga classes I can do, hobbies I can take up that can make me feel less lonely.

Try to do things you genuinely wanted to do anyway for dates. That way, if it didn’t go anywhere you’ve enjoyed yourself and done something you wanted anyway. Treat anything more as a plus!
Yes, I like this idea!

I also like the idea of seeing it in cycles. I am definitely low just now.

I’m pissed off that your therapist seems to be dismissing your valid goals around love/partnership/family as somehow not the point. I think in some cases they can be thoughtless wants or a kind of distraction from real issues in someone’s life (eg: “I’ll be happy when I meet the one/get married/loose a stone/pass my exams” rather than “I’m unhappy because of unresolved trauma that I’m not ready to face”) but it really doesn’t sound like that’s the case for you - it sounds like you’re a well-rounded proactive person who, reasonably, wants the enrichment of another well-rounded lovely human in your life. Why the hell not?!

I think suggestions about dating are good, and I think don’t even waste another minute worrying about not having much practise with intimate stuff - the absolute crappiest sex I’ve ever had was with the person who had the most experience: afterwards I was mystified as to how he could be such a hopelessly poor learner - was like kissing a washing machine on a fast spin cycle 🤣.

I hope you have a lovely time looking, and stumble on some gems. You sound great.

But.... it is. There is no amount of weight I can lose, yoga classes I can do, hobbies I can take up that can make me feel less lonely.

But what do you want the therapist to say to you, yes I know it's lonely and your self esteem is going to be on the floor no matter what? There's no hope of feeling better unless you get a man?

What's the point in even going to therapy if you think the only thing that can help you is having a relationship?

Sound like you need to chill out! Just go out with from friends and let your hair down! Flirt and have fun will be the start!

Don’t worry about a serious relationship - just have some fun first

Op I totally understand and I agree with you. I suggest a new therapist because a good one wouldn't be telling you how to think !

It isn't for a therapist to tell you that you should feel complete. She is there to help you examine why your life may be different to what you want it to be whether you can see patterns you have followed etc that may have contributed to being single.

Its absolute bollocks to say you are complete and need to be happy single. I was miserable about being single for my entire 20s. I then got help from a good therapist learnt a lot about myself and did meet someone. I was much much happier after I met my now husband.

I loathe and detest the advice for single people that they need to be happy and joyous. Actually no own your sadness own that loneliness its absolutely natural to feel that and you will meet a partner and you don't need to feel complete first to do so !

My only practical tip for ending long term single life is what worked for me. I decided I couldn't control findinf a partner but i could f massively increase the odds by making a lot more friends. Stop going yo the beach alone and focus on activities and life changes where you will increase your social circle.

That is in your power and love is a numbers game you have to be out there meeting lots of people.

@waterrat

It's possible that the therapist said a lot of helpful things or that that comment was taken out of context or zoned in on because the OP was feeling defensive. We obviously don't know all the other stuff that was said during the session/sessions.

It's also possible the therapist just isn't very good or that they're just not clicking but it's not really possible to

A good therapist should of course listen and be sympathetic and not dismissive of how a person feels, but they also should be able to steer the person towards new helpful ways of thinking if they appear to be stuck on the same thought pattern!

Well, sounds like you need some realistic ways to meet people.

• OLD is one. What apps? Have you tried the ones based around relationships vs. Hookups? What about Facebook dating?
• do your friends have anyone they can set you up with? Just as dates, you need the experience to feel more confident and relaxed. Maybe their boyfriends friends too
• you could try experience dating. Like "I want to go hiking to ___. Looking for single 30 something male to come with me"
• Speed dating? Does that exist with covid?
• you could ask female or male work colleagues to keep you in mind for any cute sungle friends

Here's an idea.
Go to a several day summer boho type festival.
You'll meet heaps of people and have a great time. Would definitely have the chance to kiss.

@user1481840227 yep perhaps - but I would personally (and just my opinion) say - hving had therapy myself - the core of it should be letting you analyse your own reactions/ thoughts/ patterns of thinking - so that you see through to your own mind in a way.

I don't think telling someone they 'should' feel a certain way is helpful.

The reality is that often when people are unhappy as adults in major ways it is because they are thinking and behaving in patterns set by childhood that mean they are unable to achieve what they really want - if you can say - yes, it is totally legitimate that you want what you want - but you are beahving in ways that make it unlikely to happen - then that is helpful.

The reality is humans evolved to love/ be in relationships - it is something that makes us happy - as does physical touch/ sexual wellbeing. We are animals - if your animal nature is miserable, it's important to look that in the eye.

Personally for me, I needed to say when I was single, I don't like this it makes me unhappy and I really really want to change it - I never for a minute accepted i was fine being single, or 'complete' being single - I think the vast majority of humans would say they are not actually happy on their own - that's why most people are in relationships!

Once people have been single a long time like the OP they often develop severe fear and anxiety around relationships - the real problem is letting go and just enjoying learning about them

Op - perhaps you could decide you have a few years of experimentation, accept you need to learn about relationships and just get out there having fun -

I’d suggest the therapy to focus on why your initial reasoning behind why things haven’t happened for you is to blame your parents not letting you drink as a teen. This is very much no longer relevant but it’s your first go to response.

My gut says maybe you’ve built things up so much that now you’re thinking “I’ve waited this long so it needs to be perfect” which will make it bear in impossible. There are a million men who would be very happy for a kiss etc, it would be so very easy to get over this mental hurdle if you just went for it with someone you’re physically attracted to but not assessing as future man of dreams.