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Original poster

New date, would this be too challenging?

40 replies

Sollahdf · 08/07/2021 10:33

I’ve been seeing someone a few weeks, met around 7 times. We definitely click and have a lot in common. I had noticed though that everything was very formal. We’d have a laugh when together and then in text it was like a work email! He is the same with texts to family, signs of with things like ‘best wishes’... things that I would find funny to send to a family member or someone I am dating?!

He finds conversations about sex awkward... I’m we’ve not DTD but I stayed over last time and we were intimate. I said he’d made me come twice and he said ‘oh crikey. Shall I get some tea?’ I was utterly surprised by this response?!

He doesn’t like any change to plans at all, he will sort of say that he needs things to sink in a bit and get his head round them. This could be something as basic as deciding to have fish instead of curry for dinner.

He’s not got the best relationship history...told me quite openly he’d never told anyone he loved them. He’s late 30s so found this surprising!!

My best friend has said steer clear as this will all get old fast, but I like him! Am I going for a wrong one again...? I have form for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sollahdf · 08/07/2021 10:33

*signs off

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 08/07/2021 10:39

It's entirely up to you, and what bothers you. Personally I think I could find the formality endearing, but I would struggle with the rigidity, as I'm quite spontaneous. The intimacy and love part is a bit concerning. Did he say why? Lack of experience?

If I liked him a lot I'd probably give it a few months to see if these things improve, and then make a choice.

Original poster
Sollahdf · 08/07/2021 10:46

@MMMarmite no he’s not really said why! He just has some strange mannerisms like that. Never really experienced it before.

OP posts:
parkerpop · 08/07/2021 11:26

Do you think he could potentially be autistic?

Original poster
Sollahdf · 08/07/2021 11:32

@parkerpop no I hadn’t considered that. I know nothing about autism though to be fair.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 08/07/2021 11:49

I'd say he's definitely on the spectrum. I am and so is my adult DD. I don't think I ever told anyone I loved them. When my husband asked me them I'd said yes, but it wouldn't be spontaneous.
It depends on what you really need in a relationship. I see my current boyfriend as needy, but he could be normal because I know I don't connect in the same way as most (NT) people. I verbally reassure him, though. I've learned to mask because of my children and women are better at it than men. So it all depends on what you can live with, which might be absolute honesty, without anything romantic and what he's willing to work on.

JustAnotherOldMan · 08/07/2021 11:50

Take a read about Asperger’s Syndrome, some in my family had been diagnosed with this, can affect social interaction, more common in males

Cookiebox · 08/07/2021 11:51

It's ridiculous after one post people are labelling this guy. You can't give a diagnosis like this.
By you posting on a forum it's obvious you're not happy so why continue

Redtartanshoes · 08/07/2021 11:54

It would be an absolute no for me, but then everyone is different, set your boundaries and stick to them.

If you like him, and can get past his “quirks” then he might be the right person for you. If they are irritating now then it will only get worse… so move on

Original poster
Sollahdf · 08/07/2021 12:02

@Ponoka7

I'd say he's definitely on the spectrum. I am and so is my adult DD. I don't think I ever told anyone I loved them. When my husband asked me them I'd said yes, but it wouldn't be spontaneous. It depends on what you really need in a relationship. I see my current boyfriend as needy, but he could be normal because I know I don't connect in the same way as most (NT) people. I verbally reassure him, though. I've learned to mask because of my children and women are better at it than men. So it all depends on what you can live with, which might be absolute honesty, without anything romantic and what he's willing to work on.
@Ponoka7 May I ask do you feel you love your husband or can you just not say it? And if you don’t feel you can say or don’t feel the need, why is that? I’m just interested, don’t mean to sound rude and I hope it doesn’t come across like that Smile the fact he has never told anyone he loved them has worried me a little. His brother has autism, but we’ve never really discussed it.
OP posts:
parkerpop · 08/07/2021 12:05

@Cookiebox

It's ridiculous after one post people are labelling this guy. You can't give a diagnosis like this. By you posting on a forum it's obvious you're not happy so why continue
Nobody is diagnosing him with anything. We're simply wondering if the OP has considered the possibility as she will be better placed to know if it's a possibility.

Needing time to get his round changes, even for things as simple as having fish for dinner instead of curry, is a potential sign. That mixed with other points made by OP means it's a possibility.

Maybe her understanding why he is the way he is might be enough to help her understand him and decide to stay. Alternatively it could mean he's less likely to change (as he's less able to change rather than unwilling). Nobody is saying it in a negative way.

Original poster
Sollahdf · 08/07/2021 12:07

@Ponoka7 another thing he said which I found confusing was he didn’t think he could agree to go away at all over summer as he didn’t know how it would fit in. I’d only suggested a night away ... he said he would love to but didn’t want to have to let me down and wanted to be absolutely sure he could do it before agreeing to it. I said we could just book somewhere with free cancellation and he looked confused and said well I would need to think if it was ok to fit in and I am just not sure how it would work planning wise and taking a day off work. It was the most rigid, strange chat I have ever had! I later found out that he did the same thing to his best friend who apparently constantly asks him to go to things and he is very formal about it.

It’s strange as when we are together we have such a laugh.

OP posts:
Yousexybugger · 08/07/2021 12:12

I've very recently split with someone a bit formal and not very spontaneous or loving (not a bad guy really).

I'm sad it has ended but if I'm honest, the formality made me clam up a bit and feel awkward whereas usually I am quite affectionate and free. Maybe see how it goes but bear in mind there may be an element here of the distance inferred by his formality and consideredness causing you to feel more intrigued and a bit challenged.

Try to focus on how he actually makes you feel, not the potential.

Original poster
Sollahdf · 08/07/2021 12:14

@Yousexybugger that’s a really interesting point! I do feel like I tone myself down a bit as he is so formal. I have fallen a bit for him though. I think it might be intriguing and challenging too now that I think about it. Maybe he’s playing games?

OP posts:
Annamaywong25 · 08/07/2021 12:16

Sounds just like my ex Shock

parkerpop · 08/07/2021 12:22

Part of me asking if he could possibly be autistic was that I was seeing someone for 8 months and ended it 2 years ago due to some pretty rigid behaviour, lack of flexibility etc but mostly over lack of affection and talking about emotions, never told me he loved me etc.

2 years later I know more about "typical autistic traits" through an autistic friend and I always wonder if if known, if we could've made the relationship work or not. I think it took some of it way too personally.

Strangely the awkwardness around sex was similar (although I know you've not dtd op). When we actually had sex it's the best I've ever had in my life but if I mentioned it at any other time he got really embarrassed and awkward....e.g. if I said "oh I really liked it last night when you did xyz" I'd have had a very similar "do you want tea?" response.

This particular guy worked offshore 3 weeks at a time. So he'd come back, we'd sit and have a take away, watch a film etc (always same routine, same take away, same order). Minimal physical contact on the couch but when we went to bed we'd have mind blowing sex. When it was ending and we were talking about why, I said in a new relationship when we hadn't seen each other for 3 weeks I wanted a guy to walk in the door grab me and rip my clothes off. He said "but the take away would get cold" or "we'd miss the end of the film" - I explained it made me feel unwanted and unattractive and he seemed genuinely surprised. His answer was "okay, I'll work on trying to mix up the order of events". I then said but I want you to do it because you want to do it not because I've told you to and it just didn't compute. He also said he had always thought that trying to have sex with me before we had dinner etc would be disrespectful as he had once read that

Original poster
Sollahdf · 08/07/2021 12:26

@parkerpop

Part of me asking if he could possibly be autistic was that I was seeing someone for 8 months and ended it 2 years ago due to some pretty rigid behaviour, lack of flexibility etc but mostly over lack of affection and talking about emotions, never told me he loved me etc.

2 years later I know more about "typical autistic traits" through an autistic friend and I always wonder if if known, if we could've made the relationship work or not. I think it took some of it way too personally.

Strangely the awkwardness around sex was similar (although I know you've not dtd op). When we actually had sex it's the best I've ever had in my life but if I mentioned it at any other time he got really embarrassed and awkward....e.g. if I said "oh I really liked it last night when you did xyz" I'd have had a very similar "do you want tea?" response.

This particular guy worked offshore 3 weeks at a time. So he'd come back, we'd sit and have a take away, watch a film etc (always same routine, same take away, same order). Minimal physical contact on the couch but when we went to bed we'd have mind blowing sex. When it was ending and we were talking about why, I said in a new relationship when we hadn't seen each other for 3 weeks I wanted a guy to walk in the door grab me and rip my clothes off. He said "but the take away would get cold" or "we'd miss the end of the film" - I explained it made me feel unwanted and unattractive and he seemed genuinely surprised. His answer was "okay, I'll work on trying to mix up the order of events". I then said but I want you to do it because you want to do it not because I've told you to and it just didn't compute. He also said he had always thought that trying to have sex with me before we had dinner etc would be disrespectful as he had once read that

@parkerpop was he autistic? That post is literally like this man. I’ve even had the same scenario about dinner and whether it would get cold, what time it would be, what was most respectful. I don’t mind these things but they have never come up before in a relationship so it is all new to me. I quite like routine and so the rigidity hasn’t been a huge problem. Except when I’ve started thinking realistically about wanting to go away together, which obviously I would want to do in a few months and it seems he does not seem able or willing to have that as part of his agenda.
OP posts:
ravenmum · 08/07/2021 12:30

Sounds just like the guy @Wonderbraaaas was dating.

parkerpop · 08/07/2021 12:35

No sorry, I should've said. He's never been diagnosed (or has been and never shared it with me).

I confided some details in a friend as I'd previously been so embarrassed about it as thought him not wanting to have sex 'out of schedule' or do spontaneous things was a reflection on a lack of feelings for me. This was compounded by him never telling me he liked me/loved me etc.

Anyway, when I shared the details with a friend she was saying he sounded so similar to her DH in some ways. Her DH and 2 of her 3 DC are autistic.

I remember one time he'd been away for 2 out of 3 his weeks away and I sent him a slightly sexy text (very mild and 6 months into us sleeping together). I said "I've been thinking about xyz and can't wait til you're back" I got "that's nice. How was work?"

AlfonsoTheMango · 08/07/2021 12:39

Here we go again with the armchair psychologists. Never fails.

AlfonsoTheMango · 08/07/2021 12:40

@Cookiebox

It's ridiculous after one post people are labelling this guy. You can't give a diagnosis like this. By you posting on a forum it's obvious you're not happy so why continue
Of course they can! This is MN and MNers are able to diagnose complex neurological conditions from a few lines in a post.

If only the NHS would make use of their skills.

Original poster
Sollahdf · 08/07/2021 12:42

I’d never thought he had autism to be honest but I don’t know anyone with autism so not sure I would be able to recognise it!

OP posts:
parkerpop · 08/07/2021 12:46

Like PPs have said nobody can diagnose form these posts and im not trying to. However, the research I've done since has fitted so well with his personality type and I wished I'd realised this earlier.

It's maybe just worth reading into it as I would've handled things differently if I'd known. There are some really positive aspects too.

floatingboater · 08/07/2021 12:54

I think it's a bit harsh to end it at this stage. You've said you like him, so why not go with the flow and just see where it leads?

You'll either grow to love his quirks, or start to find them exasperating - you can make the decision then.

earminted · 08/07/2021 13:04

ravenmum, I thought I'd read this before, so checked and you're right it was Wonderbraaaas. Two guys like this? Blimey.