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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you do with friends who only contact you when they need a favour?

41 replies

MondayYogurt · 07/07/2021 21:29

Just that really. Happens to me all the time. Silence for months (literally didn't reply to my happy birthday message) and then "Hi! How are you? Can you still get discounted x?"

Or another one who has had many years of one-way cards and birthday gifts out of me, but silent for last 18mo until "I'm being made redundant can you forward me any jobs at your place?"

What do you do with these people? They're perfectly nice but is there any point? And has anyone successfully converted them into thoughtful reciprocal friends?

I do understand lockdown has been weird for everyone. I'm hoping that's the reason.

OP posts:

category12 · 07/07/2021 21:33

Why keep sending one-way presents and cards? I can understand once or twice, but many years of it?

I'd drop down to just a card or just a text on, say, the third non-reciprocal.

Shodan · 07/07/2021 21:35

I just wouldn't answer tbh. It's CF territory and they don't deserve an answer.

You can't really turn people like that into thoughtful, reciprocal friends and if you tried, I suspect you'd always be wondering when they were going to ask the next favour.

Original poster

MondayYogurt · 07/07/2021 21:35

Oh because she always had a party and I just generally bring a card/gift. When I couldn't go I sent flowers for her big one. She sent me...a text 🙃

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/07/2021 21:36

How about you reply

"Who is this?"

Original poster

MondayYogurt · 07/07/2021 21:37

@RandomMess

How about you reply

"Who is this?"

😂

OP posts:

PieceOfString · 07/07/2021 21:38

I wouldn't count then as friends really. Perfectly nice... In what way? Pleasant to your face when in your company... That's the basics, you extend that courtesy to strangers in a lift.
But if a relationship is all one way, it isn't a sudden change of character which might be down to going through a tough time, then there not a friend really.
From their pov they give you nothing but you give them thoughtful gesture etc they don't reciprocate but come knocking when it suits them, they can't have any respect for you and possibly sadly view you as a doormat. Which is horrid, not saying that's what you deserve, but what other thoughts can be going through their mind as they use you?

Bridezillamaybe · 07/07/2021 21:48

I'm not sure about this OP. If the first person's only offence is not answering a happy birthday message I'd let that go. She could have been out, inundated with birthday messages or having a terrible birthday and suffering the blues.

As for always bringing a present, I think that's normal if you're going to a party she is hosting. She probably sent out a blanket text to people asking for job leads.

They both sound like they don't give your friendship a huge amount of attention but I don't think they're necessarily in CF territory. I'd just ignore both their messages.

category12 · 07/07/2021 21:50

@MondayYogurt

Oh because she always had a party and I just generally bring a card/gift. When I couldn't go I sent flowers for her big one. She sent me...a text 🙃

Oh, do you have parties for your birthday that she turns up with nothing for you?

Susannahmoody · 07/07/2021 21:54

I just ignore them

Guestdressquery · 07/07/2021 21:55

If I were you I would respond (taking your sweet time, a week to 10 days or so) but say you can't help them for whatever reason. Be civil so they can't hold it against you but you get the satisfaction of not helping the CF-ers. You owe them nothing whatsoever. Then refuse to make contact again and focus on the people who add value to your life.

I sympathise, OP. I have been there. I would bend over backwards for people where there is some give and some take and they clearly like me for me, not what I can do for them but life's takers can go do one.

Doyouknowtheway · 07/07/2021 22:08

You could just reply with the same Birthday wish if you wanted her to know why you're ignoring her.
I wouldn't respond.

Original poster

MondayYogurt · 07/07/2021 22:08

I call them both friends because I've known them for over a decade, but in my head now they're really more long-term extra good acquaintances, iykwim?
These examples are just the most recent things that have made me question the point of it all. There's also the hint messages about the kids in the run up to Christmas, and the various excuses about not meeting up.
I do have a good time when we actually see each other but I am naturally also a bit doormatty for sure.
I don't do parties, more comfortable 1:1 or small groups, but no, never had a present.
Perhaps this is just how some people are now?

OP posts:

Original poster

MondayYogurt · 07/07/2021 22:10

Also I think I'm reluctant to let them go because I don't have any replacements? If I had a lot of friends it would be easy, but I don't.

OP posts:

ahoyshipmates · 07/07/2021 22:18

They are what I would describe as users. They are only interested in being friends with people when they know that they are going to benefit from it in some way.

I've had a few of these so-called friends in my time. These days it doesn't take me quite so long to spot them as it used to.

66babe · 07/07/2021 22:20

@RandomMess
Absolutely bloody perfect !

me4real · 07/07/2021 22:23

I would block and bin nowadays if it's not reciprocal and they don't seem to care/put as much effort in as I'm doing. For instance not responding to messages for months etc, or users like yours. You're not getting anything out of these connectiions except your self-worth and self-esteem being knocked.

TheFoundations · 07/07/2021 22:25

And has anyone successfully converted them into thoughtful reciprocal friends

That's not how friendship works. You don't find people who use you and try to convert the situation. You drop people who use you, and go find people who respect you and love to spend time with you.

Tangledtresses · 07/07/2021 22:30

I would reciprocate with the same level of friendship they give you

Birthday text: send the same

Last minute invite: do the same

Asking for a job: simple text back

Just keep going with that they'll get the message and can't even call you out on it as they are the same 😉

Kanaloa · 07/07/2021 22:35

I would just ignore it as she ignored your last message. She can hardly point it out.

Original poster

MondayYogurt · 07/07/2021 22:35

@Tangledtresses

I would reciprocate with the same level of friendship they give you

Birthday text: send the same

Last minute invite: do the same

Asking for a job: simple text back

Just keep going with that they'll get the message and can't even call you out on it as they are the same 😉

Tit for tat - I like that strategy. It's not a complete end, so if they changed to make more effort the door would still be open.

OP posts:

Palavah · 07/07/2021 22:38

@MondayYogurt

Also I think I'm reluctant to let them go because I don't have any replacements? If I had a lot of friends it would be easy, but I don't.

If this were a romantic relationship you'd probably be clear that you shouldn't stay with someone who treated you like that because you were worried you couldn't do any better. They're not adding anything to your life so you'd have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

emptyplinth · 07/07/2021 22:43

I'm on the fence a bit with this one because yes they're being crappy and self-centered but from their perspective, they don't make much effort and still you go out of your way to maintain the friendship.
They'd probably be surprised to realise how much headspace you give them.
And tbh if you're only keeping the connection because you don't have any replacements you're not much better.
You owe it to yourself to figure out how to nurture better friendships and to cut people loose if they don't value you.

me4real · 07/07/2021 22:43

Yep, don't do any more presents though, if you sent one and they didn't reciprocate. It's their 'turn' to send.

Think of it as 'turns' (a therapist told me this, and it works.) If people respond equally then you know you can be a bit more relaxed about only sending one text at a time etc.

Just let the people who don't bother go. You'll find that you aren't missing anything except that feeling of hurt.

alwayswrighty · 07/07/2021 22:47

I just wouldn't bother anymore, but I'm way too old to care.

CupOfTPlease · 07/07/2021 22:53

Ah yes.

I had this recently. It's only recently I saw her for what she actually is. She was meant to be my 'best friend' didn't hear from her for a while so just left it at that.

She recently started dating someone and said could I check out his ex gf's Instagram (it was private) so to add her and look at dates, times etc. She's always been insecure but fuck me you can get to fuck. You're 28. Grow up.

I actually said no, I'm not getting involved and it's very immature. She said I wasn't a real friend blah blah. Okay bye. .

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