What do you do with friends who only contact you when they need a favour?

[MondayYogurt]

Just that really. Happens to me all the time. Silence for months (literally didn't reply to my happy birthday message) and then "Hi! How are you? Can you still get discounted x?"

Or another one who has had many years of one-way cards and birthday gifts out of me, but silent for last 18mo until "I'm being made redundant can you forward me any jobs at your place?"

What do you do with these people? They're perfectly nice but is there any point? And has anyone successfully converted them into thoughtful reciprocal friends?

I do understand lockdown has been weird for everyone. I'm hoping that's the reason.

I would ignore them.

People hate being ignored. It's a great way of getting your own back.

Thanks all. I'm going to just match whatever effort they put in.
And I am working on nurturing more reciprocal friendships, but these things take time.

Wishing you well, hopefully by not wasting your emotional energy on people who don't deserve your kindness you'll have more space for good friends

I’d honestly just ignore them, possibly block them if I was feeling particularly annoyed that day.

@alwayswrighty

I just wouldn't bother anymore, but I'm way too old to care.

Love this. I aspire to it. How old do I have to get?

They don't count as friends. Why do you even send flowers etc. It doesn't make sense.

"if they changed to make more effort the door would still be open."

No. Your boundaries are not correct. You need to have self respect and when you review this, you will realise this is not good. You are worth more than this.

Just mentally park them. Look for better friends. I have 5 very close friends. Suits me brilliantly. You only need a couple or so. No none needs many.

I call these relationships "help-ships" and I also only call them when I need something.

as long as both sides understand the nature of that system and any expectations it's fine

and you can always say no

They're not friends and they are not close aquaintances, they are just people who will use others to their advantage. A simple no to both those questions would suffice. Or better still don't reply. Bloody cheek of them.

I feel for you because I too seem to attract these people! Just this week I've done the school run for someone as they were too ill to leave their bed, only to see them on Facebook an hour later having brunch with another friend - what a recovery!

I've started reducing my circle of people whose messages begin with "can you just" My top tip is to not respond to anything they say is urgent until 3 days later and reply with oh sorry i missed your text, hope you've sorted it. And repeat ......

100% don't answer. We spend so much time on this pointless life admin, jumping when the phone says we should. Just ignore and forget about them.

@alwayswrighty

I just wouldn't bother anymore, but I'm way too old to care.

Same. For me it happened at 40.

OP, just because you've known them a long time doesn't mean you have to keep them as friends. Friends should add something to your life. Otherwise, what's the point?

I have a couple of former colleagues who I have realised are like this. Complete radio silence for months and no response to any suggestions to eg. meet up, or even just a 'how's it going?' message. Then a fulsome 'Long time no see! How ARE you? We must get together soon. Could I just ask...' email. I reply with what they wanted and a suggestion of dates to meet. Silence again, until the next time.

So now I only reply to the first part of their email. Joy at them getting back in touch and make suggestions of when we could meet up. I don't refer at all to the favour they are asking.

@Serendipity79 brunch! The CF meal of choice!

Perhaps this is an ex-colleague thing, I used to work with both of them but we stayed in touch.

Incidentally, another friend has popped up today talking about meeting up - and taking some old baby gear off me...

It makes me so jaded.

[quote MondayYogurt]@Serendipity79 brunch! The CF meal of choice!

Perhaps this is an ex-colleague thing, I used to work with both of them but we stayed in touch.

Incidentally, another friend has popped up today talking about meeting up - and taking some old baby gear off me...

It makes me so jaded. [/quote]
Tell her you've sold it.

I'm sorry OP but this is awful. You are obviously a lovely kind person and they are taking advantage of that. Time to get tough and stop being a soft touch.