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Original poster

My own insecurity or is he not interested?

35 replies

LettersbyNane · 07/07/2021 21:20

Been seeing someone exclusively for a few months now. We’ve said the I love yous. See him a few days a week. I recently got promoted and he made a bit of a fuss, wrote me a card and bought chocolates. We are in contact almost daily.

But he isn’t hugely enthusiastic about arranging to meet. He does organise it and follow up to confirm times etc, offers to drive to me and so on. But he’s nowhere near as intense and full on as other men I’ve been with. If I said I couldn’t see him for a month he’d just be understanding and say ok. He’s only said he misses me once of his own accord, though says it often in response to me saying it.

I can’t explain why I feel like he’s just a bit indifferent to us.. sometimes on the phone (especially after he’s had a beer!) he will be more outgoing and say things like he didn’t think he’d meet someone like me etc. But generally he’s not very emotional.

I’m mid 30s so quite sensitive about whether things are going anywhere real. I also have a history of relationship anxiety that I have somehow managed to keep a lid on mostly so far. But I often read things on here like ‘if he’s not head over heels he’s not interested’ or ‘if he’s not desperate to see you as soon as he finishes work then he’s not bothered.’ And to be fair most evenings after work he’s quite happy having a beer and watching tv on his own!! It’s not like he is desperate to spend every minute with me.

Just feeling worried.

OP posts:
Itsbeenalongwhile · 07/07/2021 21:31

Sounds like even though on paper he is doing all the right things that show interest, your sixth sense is telling you something..?

Original poster
LettersbyNane · 07/07/2021 21:34

@Itsbeenalongwhile yes it feels like it! Not like he is cheating but just that he’s not that arsed? We’ve only ever had one disagreement but it led to him being in tears saying he thought I was wonderful and didn’t want to lose me. But other than that I don’t get much emotion from him

I am a massive worrier, especially with relationships. I don’t know if it’s that or he actually isn’t that bothered

OP posts:
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 07/07/2021 21:38

It's been a few months.
Intense doesn't mean genuine feelings.

I met my husband 30 years ago. We only saw each other at weekends and spoke once or twice midweek. That was it. Didn't mean we didn't have feelings.
Try and relax and just enjoy what you have.

LtDansleg · 07/07/2021 21:39

He’s either not that into you or he’s emotionally stunted IMO. I’d be reconsidering the relationship if he’s making you feel like crap already

parkerpop · 07/07/2021 21:41

I think saying "I love you" and that he misses you, never thought he'd meet anyone like you etc. is pretty intense for a few months?!

Original poster
LettersbyNane · 07/07/2021 21:41

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow thanks. I always read on here that if he’s not jumping over hot coal to see you then he just doesn’t care.

I feel like he does care but isn’t the sort of man to behave intensely. He’s reserved generally with people. I’m just not used to it and I am searching for issues because it feels uncomfortable. Left his house this morning and he’s text tonight but it’s just ‘thanks for lovely few days, hope you have a nice evening xxx’

I feel like most men I have been with previously would be suggesting a phone call, or saying they loved and missed me?

OP posts:
Original poster
LettersbyNane · 07/07/2021 21:42

@LtDansleg and @parkerpop you’ve said the opposite to each other...this is how I feel, I go from one thought to another. He doesn’t make me feel like crap, but I don’t feel like he is desperate for me to be in his life and he can’t live without me. My past relationships have been much more that way

OP posts:
Duckypoohs · 07/07/2021 21:46

Sounds like you have different attachment styles. Not all people are very demonstrative, it all sounds quite consistent and steady, surely that's a good thing?

litterbird · 07/07/2021 21:48

From what I read he is just a normal guy cracking on with a standard, non intense, non-mucking around relationship. I wouldn't read into anything. You are just used to the love bombing and intensity which obviously would satisfy your anxiety as it would (to you) mean they are so into you. Don't think that all the intense over the top stuff means love and longevity. I would much prefer a steady hand that your boyfriend is displaying. But....thats just how I prefer relationships. This is you, who is not comfortable with this level in interaction and intensity so you will need to figure out it he is right for you and if not, find someone more intense for you.

Duckypoohs · 07/07/2021 21:48

The whole passionate and desperate to see you thing sounds like love bombing and is no way sustainable.

Original poster
LettersbyNane · 07/07/2021 21:48

@Duckypoohs yeah it is consistent. I just have bad anxiety and he’s not very relationship savvy...he’s never properly been in a relationship before me, only dated.

OP posts:
Original poster
LettersbyNane · 07/07/2021 21:49

@litterbird that’s interesting, the love bombing definitely makes me feel secure. It’s never ended well though.

OP posts:
litterbird · 07/07/2021 22:03

[quote LettersbyNane]@litterbird that’s interesting, the love bombing definitely makes me feel secure. It’s never ended well though.[/quote]
It never does end well with love bombing and future faking. This relationship is probably your first normal non - alarming relationship you may have experienced. Its still early days, you are still slowly getting to know one another.....its so much healthier to do it this way rather than the other. If he isn't relationship savvy then give him some time to really understand you and understand the relationship dynamic. If at the end of the day it isn't making you feel good then at least you have learnt another style of relationship. The slow burner not the major burn out one.

Itsbeenalongwhile · 07/07/2021 22:13

OP, I don't think it is that you are used to love bombing in relationships but more that you like your partner to show emotions. You bond emotionally with people and even though his words have the right theoretical emotional content, you are not getting that vibe physically.
In the long run, you are not not going to feel satisfied or fully happy in this relationship, no matter how much he may love you.

Pessimist999 · 07/07/2021 22:14

Left his house this morning and he’s text tonight but it’s just ‘thanks for lovely few days, hope you have a nice evening xxx’

This seems very sweet and perfectly normal

parkerpop · 07/07/2021 22:58

*I feel like most men I have been with previously would be suggesting a phone call, or saying they loved and missed me?
*
Maybe I'm the female equivalent of this guy. If someone is too over the top and gushy I don't find it believable or genuine and it completely turns me off.

If I'd seen a guy that morning and 12hrs later he was telling me he was missing me I would think he was just saying it for the sake of it. Maybe that's cos I wouldn't miss someone within 12hrs.....sounds kinda teenage to me to be missing someone you'd seen that same day. I'd prefer a genuine message like the one he sent saying he'd enjoyed his time with you. To me that's 100% more believable and I'd trust it more, rather than being OTT and intense for the sake of it and to tell me what I thought i wanted to hear

pumpkinpie01 · 07/07/2021 23:04

He sounds independent to me and a man who likes his own company , but has also told you enjoys your company . Rather that than someone who is harassing to see you constantly surely ?

sammylady37 · 07/07/2021 23:08

I don’t feel like he is desperate for me to be in his life and he can’t live without me. My past relationships have been much more that way

And yet those relationships have all ended. So why do you want him to be more like partners who you are no longer with?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/07/2021 23:44

All that really matters is what you as an individual are ok with. Whether the relationship makes you feel happy and secure. It doesn't matter hugely what is ok to other people, what matters is whether you're compatible with him. It sounds like you aren't. You need to have the courage of your convictions and understand what you want and walk away if it doesn't come naturally in a relationship, or you could spend a long term relationship being anxious about it.

Lampan · 07/07/2021 23:58

Intense is NOT good. I would much prefer someone like this to someone intense. Intense is suffocating and not sustainable.

However, on reading your post I thought the same as @Itsbeenalongwhile - like you have a gut feeling that he isn’t too bothered. Sometimes you just know.

Also, I would say put the emphasis on actions and not words. He can say he loves you etc but do you feel he is acting as if he is? It may be that you are not well suited as you want different levels of involvement. If he is like this now it will probably only get worse for you. I personally would want someone to give me plenty of space and time to myself (as he seems to like as well) but if it’s not what you want then maybe you’re not compatible. Talk to him about it?

Namechanger0800 · 08/07/2021 06:26

It's difficult to tell from what you say if he's not that bothered or if he is a more laid back, less intense character who's happy in himself. I agree with pp to look at his actions rather than words. I think all that desperate to see you stuff is overrated - it can be abit fake or soon over with or they are a controlling type

My husband of over 20 years isn't and has never been intense or one for passionate declarations of love. Good thing as I find alll that abit cringey. He is though very caring, respectful, reliable and shows he loves me through actions. Not bunches of flowers and all that but he does little things he knows will make me happy.

countesskay · 08/07/2021 07:16

Don't mistake sixth sense for previous unhealthy attachments in relationships.

If you have previously experienced love bombing from exs or you have found yourself dating or being attracted to distant and emotionally unavailable men - then this may explain why you feel 'flat'

For example "if a person isn't chasing after you or showing you huge gestures, they're not interested" Is unhealthy advice.

You might want to look into attachment theory.

Maybe it's time you both have a chat about where you think things are heading, and bring up communication during dates.

layladomino · 08/07/2021 07:30

If anything, I would say always steer clear of intense. Intense often burns out faster. Or it turns in to drama or control.

Steady, slow burn, build a friendship over time - much more sustainable and you're less likely to be wracked with hurt if it ends in the early days.

You say he arranges nights out with you, offers to pick you up, no fall outs. But he's not 'desperate' to see you or to make deep declarations a few months in..... I'd say that sounds very healthy. I would never want to be with someone who was 'desperate' or 'intense'.

category12 · 08/07/2021 07:54

He sounds like he's consistent.

Your previous experiences of intense contact etc have ended in messes, haven't they? So surely that shows logically that love-bombing is meaningless.

Left his house this morning and he’s text tonight but it’s just ‘thanks for lovely few days, hope you have a nice evening xxx’

That's good. You only parted a few hours before, so declarations of love and missing you would be a bit overboard?

I'm a big fan of trusting your gut normally, but if you're used to being love-bombed to heck, it might be that your expectations are skewed.

Sarahlou63 · 08/07/2021 07:58

[quote LettersbyNane]@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow thanks. I always read on here that if he’s not jumping over hot coal to see you then he just doesn’t care.

I feel like he does care but isn’t the sort of man to behave intensely. He’s reserved generally with people. I’m just not used to it and I am searching for issues because it feels uncomfortable. Left his house this morning and he’s text tonight but it’s just ‘thanks for lovely few days, hope you have a nice evening xxx’

I feel like most men I have been with previously would be suggesting a phone call, or saying they loved and missed me?[/quote]
Please, please, please, PLEASE do not judge your relationship based on what you read on MN