My own insecurity or is he not interested?

[LettersbyNane]

Been seeing someone exclusively for a few months now. We’ve said the I love yous. See him a few days a week. I recently got promoted and he made a bit of a fuss, wrote me a card and bought chocolates. We are in contact almost daily.

But he isn’t hugely enthusiastic about arranging to meet. He does organise it and follow up to confirm times etc, offers to drive to me and so on. But he’s nowhere near as intense and full on as other men I’ve been with. If I said I couldn’t see him for a month he’d just be understanding and say ok. He’s only said he misses me once of his own accord, though says it often in response to me saying it.

I can’t explain why I feel like he’s just a bit indifferent to us.. sometimes on the phone (especially after he’s had a beer!) he will be more outgoing and say things like he didn’t think he’d meet someone like me etc. But generally he’s not very emotional.

I’m mid 30s so quite sensitive about whether things are going anywhere real. I also have a history of relationship anxiety that I have somehow managed to keep a lid on mostly so far. But I often read things on here like ‘if he’s not head over heels he’s not interested’ or ‘if he’s not desperate to see you as soon as he finishes work then he’s not bothered.’ And to be fair most evenings after work he’s quite happy having a beer and watching tv on his own!! It’s not like he is desperate to spend every minute with me.

Just feeling worried.

you like your partner to show emotions. You bond emotionally with people and even though his words have the right theoretical emotional content, you are not getting that vibe physically.
In the long run, you are not not going to feel satisfied or fully happy in this relationship, no matter how much he may love you

THIS

I don’t feel like he is desperate for me to be in his life and he can’t live without me.

Neither do you, by the sounds of it.

I think you are incompatible.

I'd also seek counselling for your anxiety.

My husband was always like this when we were dating - he's quite a steady, undemonstrative person. However we've been very happily married for 30 years now and is still the same - dependable, reliable and kind but he doesn't go in for big romantic declarations or gestures. I know he loves me very much though and we have a lovely life together.

Thanks for replies. It sounds silly but it’s things like he doesn’t have a pet name for me or call me anything affectionate. I think that’s more because he’s a quiet reserved chap but still it feels unusual to me. I’m in his phone book with my full name, as is his dad and sibling. He can be very procedural about things which often means there’s no affectionate words. Sometimes though he wiii say things like I can’t believe you put up with how odd I am.

I do feel he cares through his actions, it’s just not at all intense like I am used to

Seriously, you want someone who’s telling you they love and miss you and can’t live without you after only a couple of months? That’s not healthy - that’s intense hysterical bonding that is never sustainable, it rarely has any deeper foundations and it usually ends in tears. Why aren’t you with any of the previous guys who were like that? Did they all turn out to be weirdos with loads of unresolved issues by any chance? This guy sounds perfectly normal. His text that he sent you the evening after you left was sweet and affectionate! I’d definitely suggest therapy to work through your attachment issues because overblown declarations of love after 5 minutes do not mean actual love.

Also popping by to say he sounds far more grounded.
There's no love bombing which is a massive red flag actually.

If you spend too long building your anxieties you'll lose sense of reality.

He responds correctly when needed.

Tell him you're super busy and ask if he could arrange the minor details of your next date.
Women tend to fuss over much smaller details than men.

Thanks. He is quite grounded and straightforward. He has aspergers and hasn’t been in a relationship before me, he was open about this and has never tried to hide it. I think he’s had some short things over the years but nothing on the scale we are on, never said he’s loved anyone etc. I do feel he cares a lot and he does make an effort. It’s just odd having the sense that someone isn’t totally and utterly counting down the days to see you.. that is what I am used to. And sort of how I feel about him

@LettersbyNane honestly from my opinion, he sounds lovely! However maybe you do need to have a chat about where you see it going etc. Being cool and collected is fine is the beginning but it could be tough to ‘push’ him in the long term. I’m a bit like him in a relationship and I find that I get so stuck in my ways that relationships tend to ‘fizzle’ out or they get stuck in a rut.
Lovebombing and intensity completely make me turn and run, like other posters have said these are red flags and usually these people ghost you after a few months as the chase is over.

I do think you need to have a chat though, even just to put your mind at rest x

@LettersbyNane
Hi, my Nephew has Aspergers, some of things you mention seem about right, my Nephew is very clever ( off to Uni this year), but to some seems kinda set in his ways (odd for an 18 year old ), but will only eat certain things, only drink certain things,
His social skills are a bit lacking, so things you mention like him being cool is really more about not understanding that he should to be excited about an event in the future, because that event will happen no matter what ( not sure that makes sense).

On a personal level I sometimes wonder if my Nephew will ever find anyone in life - maybe he will find someone who can understand him.

So he's got Aspergers. That explains it then. If he's not full on enough for you move on. Find the next person to shower you with meaningless words and actions.

Have you read up on Aspergers?