oh crap what have I done

[TLV]

dh is divorcing me and we are going to be selling the house, last night he came to talk (over something to eat!) and we ended up sleeping together twice!! he was quite clear it was just sex and nothing more, I've been awake since 3am this morning and he came earlier to pick up dd and i did the whole begging thing again and have put myself back to square one, how do I get over this, I asked him to come back till xmas was over and he still wouldn't, I'm nearly 36 yrs old and I know I deserve better but I still love my dh very much, someone give me a virtual slap please

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and

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Your ex - 'cos he is that - is a total idiot and he has really really taken advantage of your vulnerability. Sorry - this must be awful for you and I don't know what to suggest other than don't dwell on last night - and don't let him over the doorstep again - this kind of carry-on is no good for either of you.

What kind of a PRICK would take advantage of a woman that he knew was still in love with him Bastard and you are better off without him.

Don't hold back Carmenere - tell us what you really think

You are absolutely right - may I subsitute your 'bastard' for the 'idiot' in my post? I always start off too soft

What a complete @rsehole!!!
Its him that needs a slap not you.
You are so much better off without him honey, please believe me.
Sending you huge virtual ((((((HUGS)))))))

i've spent over half hour on the phone to the samaritans in tears i feel like such an idiot, and I'm still trying to phone him, do i need to seek some help ie mental help and I'm being serious here

your DH is bang out of order - he took advantage of you for sex. Do you have any friends/ family close that can help?

Oh you poor thing. ((((HUGS))))
Have you tried Careline? Theyre in the phone book at the front. It says they offer a telephone counselling service to the general public. Number is 020 85141177

Could the Samaritans not suggest anything, or do they literally just listen to you?

He's an @rse.

Now lets deal with the fall out.

Firstly stop trying to phone him. What is there that he could say to make you feel any better. He is not going to come back he has made that clear.

You need to get dressed, and go to the park, bank, shops, infact anywhere that your not going to be able to call him.

Next take a depth breath and look in the mirror. You do deserve better than this. No one is worth doing this to your self for. The thing about EX's is they still now hhow to hit all the right buttons so everything feels close and warm and fuzzy when infact it is just the same as a one night stand.

Next call your mum, sis, best friend delete as appropriate and get them to come round tonight with a bottle of wine. YOu need to sit down and talk this through. Actually what you need to do is sit down and think back over your relationship and look for the bad bits. we are all guilty of rose tinited glasses. You will find out that when you start there are loads of things!

Lastley give your self a hug, and remember you are better than this and you will get through.

very good advice stary night sky, I second that.

I know it's impossible to belive right now but things WILL get better!

I know you probably feel you are going out of your mind right now, But that will pass. get your friends around you now, keep busy
big hugs xxx

Please dont try & phone your dh again. Hes a total @rsehole who you should steer well clear of. Im sure your mental health is fine. Understandably youre pretty screwed up right now (as anyone would be) by being badly treated by a so called man. You just need to get yourself out of that situation so you can think more clearly.
Do you not have anyone, friends or family you could go & stay with, even for the day? Just to get you out of that house.

shit, we did it again, and I feel crap all over again, why am I putting myself through this, he has told me that we need to see relate again to try and sort this out and I think he is right and I think I also need to seek help alone as I'm quite clearly not dealing with this at all, I wish it were a year from now and it was all done with and I was in a better place with dd I have some friends coming over tonight with some wine, I think I need to move away from the area closer to family and away from him. I totally wrecked his day with dd as he agreed to have her all day and has spent a total of 1 1/2 hrs with her. I'm sat here crying my heart out for being so stupid, I should have read all your advice and then this wouldn't have happened

Now im confused. What did dd do while you were at it with dh? You have not ruined his day with her, he has by letting his dick rule everything. It seems he will say anything he thinks you want to hear in order to get a quick sh@g.
You need to get this sorted now for your dd`s sake as well as your own.

dd was having her nap, I really don't know where I'm at at the moment, feel so disappointed with myself, I had a week of no contact with him and I could feel myself getting back to my old self and then seeing him well its made things far worse but I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place coz how do I stop seeing him when he wants access to dd

and the fact that he is divorcing me and we are selling the house he has mentioned going to relate again why I don't know

This is none of my business, I know, but why is he so keen on a divorce, with no debate? Or has there been? If he's adamant, why suggest relate.... unless he thinks it would help you to understand, with a 3rd party to help, why he's going and why. I'm really feeling for you.

You are human, you love him, you made a mistake. It happens. Try not to beat yourself up about this, lots of people have made the same mistake, me included. As everyone has sais, your husband took advantage of you in a very vulnerable state, he is the one who should be beating himself up.

PS - is he a bit controlling or manipulative because he seems to be really playing with your feelings here, sending out confusing messages and generally keeping the upper hand?

The only way to deal with people like that in my long and bitter experience is to set really firm boundaries - they will test them to see if you're for real - and eventually when they realise you are you start getting treated with some respect.

there was never any debate, we argued he left and within the month he had seen a solicitor, he walked out on his first wife tho (I think there are some serious commitment issues going on) its a complete personality change as he was never ever controlling at all, he was so laid back he was practically horizontal. We have already done the relate bit whereby he told the person the reasons why it was over etc etc and that night on the way home he wouldn't even let me near him to even hold his hand! yes I've agreed to the divorce and yes to selling the house so what good going to relate will do I don't know I do love him and I'm scared of going it alone I'm scared I'll never allow myself to meet anyone again coz I've never hurt this much

you will one day you will reach the end of the pain

Try not to think too far into the future!!!

Focus on each day, just tell yourself that all you have to do is get through today. If you manage that you have had a good day.

This sounds very much what happened with my ex, later I found out he had met someone else.

You need to try to look after yourself and stop looking at him to do that. Please tell us you have a solicitor! He is acting in a very selfish way and I wouldn't have any expectations of him.

Every day get up and do something nice for yourself. You will get through this, your life is not over. I got remarried to a wonderful man and now I'm glad my ex left!

Haven't you ever broken up with someone, known it's the right thing to do, but still missed them? I know I have.

Now either that's whats happening for him and therefore by sleeping with you, he's getting the best of both worlds. If you stop sleeping with him and generally making yourself available to him (ie. emotionally etc) one of two things will happen.

1. He will eventually realise that he's missing you and try to repair the marriage. However this will not happen if he knows you are waiting from him - you must be getting on with your own life.

1. He will continue with the devorce and you will be able to look back and know you maintained your dignity. This will help you to move on.

I've been through a divorce, ended up with option 2 and a lovely dh2.

Oh and sorry I didn't say how much I feel for you. Don't beat yourself up for how things have been so far - you are only human. It's a horrible place to be, but it will come to pass.

thank you all so much