How can you tell if toddler is securely attached?

[JC2021]

I've been reading a bit about attachment theory and do wonder if there's a way to tell if a toddler (approaching age 3) is securely (or otherwise) attached and the type of behaviours you might look for between mother/parent and child?

Dd could only walk about 20 metres from me towards her nana before she came to a stop. She had reached the end of her/my apron strings.

When out for a thing (zoo etc) when she had had enough, I would pull the canopy of the pram over, change the handle over and have her facing me rather than the world. She would rest her mind by looking at me.

Is that the sort of thing you mean?

If the child is able to do things independently but will return to, or look to, the parent for approval and confirmation. If they are generally able to play with others or maybe go off with granny for a few hours without much issue but be pleased to see the parent on their return.

He will happily go off with his granny for a bit and is always happy when myself and husband return (favouring my husband) but doesn't play with other children is weary and at times appears frightened of other children. He wants me there, next to him playing. He is due to start nursery aged 3 so I'm hoping this will help.

He's still deciding on his attachment style. If you make sure he knows that his feelings are valid and will be listened to when he voices them, he will develop a secure attachment style.

Have you read about bowlby's 'strange situation'?

@TheFoundations I always assumed attachment style was solidified in infancy and certainly by time they become toddlers? I always do my best but I fear I may have already made a few mistakes - I suffered with anxiety after he was born, not diagnosed but only upon looking back I can see..

@JC2021

He will happily go off with his granny for a bit and is always happy when myself and husband return (favouring my husband) but doesn't play with other children is weary and at times appears frightened of other children. He wants me there, next to him playing. He is due to start nursery aged 3 so I'm hoping this will help.

It sounds like he is shy rather than poorly attached. Give him time to settle in at nursery and see how he develops.

@TheFoundations yes I have read about that test.. it's difficult to apply now he is toddler but I guess he would be upset if I left the room and ok when I returned when comforted.

@ApolloandDaphne yes he is showing signs of being really shy.. I'm finding it hard to distinguish between the shyness or attachment.. I've been hard on myself since he came into the world and really have tried my best but I guess I have worries at times

Just for reassurance, it is just a theory and there's research to suggest that over 50% of adults in the UK do not have what would be assessed as a secure attachment. It sounds like your son sees you as his safe person and wants you there for reassurance and that's entirely normal, especially after the past year which has really impacted on the under 5s in terms of developing their socialisation skills.

You can still influence his attachment style by using a parenting style that is nurturing, predictable and attuned to him.

IME teaching in primary, some parents confuse a negative attachment with a positive attachment. So if the child is reluctant to leave them, has to always have them in sight etc, the parents sees this as “aww they’re so attached to me!” when actually this can indicate a poor attachment- ie the child needs constant reassurance that the adult will not leave them. On the opposite side, if the child happily skips into school without so much as a backwards glance, the parent can take this as a negative “Oi, aren’t you going to give me a kiss goodbye?” when actually this behaviour can indicate a secure attachment- the child feels confident to explore new situations safe in the knowledge that they know their familiar adult will return for them and always be there for them.

I am talking about School Nursery and Reception age there so 3, 4, 5.

There’s are statements in the EYFS curriculum, in the Personal and Social Development section, on this- progressing through age bands:

8-20 months: Interacts with others and explores new situations when supported by familiar person.

16-26 months: Uses a familiar adult as a secure base from which to explore independently in new environments, e.g. ventures away to play and interact with others, but returns for a cuddle or reassurance if becomes anxious.

22-36 months: Separates from main carer with support and encouragement from a familiar adult.

30-50 months: Is more outgoing towards unfamiliar people and more confident in new social situations.

So I would consider my (nearly) 3 year old securely attached.

She is tactile and affectionate. If she's going to throw a wobbler, it's always with me and usually at home, she's not naughty for other people or at other peoples houses.

If she is sad, scared, tired, hurt or poorly, she wants me (or DH) and her instant reaction to being frightened of anything is to shout for me. She is happy to be left with grandparents for a few hours but will run to me yelling 'Mummmmmeeeeee!' when I get back. I took her to a settling in session at preschool a few weeks ago and she happily went off with the other children, but would glance over to me or wander over briefly every so often just to check I was still there.

Is that the sort of thing you mean?

I find a chain round the ankle helps.

@squashyhat

I find a chain round the ankle helps.

Brilliant!

[quote JC2021]@TheFoundations I always assumed attachment style was solidified in infancy and certainly by time they become toddlers? I always do my best but I fear I may have already made a few mistakes - I suffered with anxiety after he was born, not diagnosed but only upon looking back I can see..[/quote]
Have a look at your own attachment style. It will strongly influence what he learns from you about how to attach.

The more secure you can get, the better.

For your reassurance, I had a very anxious attachment style until I was 42, due to the way I was raised. I had counselling, and re-educated myself. I am now miles more secure.

So, aim high, but, if it all goes to hell in a handcart, it's not irreparable.

OP, I really don't think that being anxious as a new mum is the kind of thing that causes problems with attachment. I don't have extensive knowledge on it but did a workshop on it as part of my PGCE. From what I recall we're talking very young children (babies) consistently not having their physical and emotional needs met, so being left to cry when hungry/ dirty and never being held, cuddled or interacted with, and long-term separation from their primary care giver e.g. due to hospitalisation (although I believe many neonatal units now have volunteers to cuddle babies).

My son is almost three and has suddenly become shy and apprehensive in new situations. He's also suddenly scared of things (sometimes genuinely frightened and sometimes because he wants reassurance about something). I'd be inclined to think he's more likely to be an introvert than poorly attached

What specifically worries you?
Can you talk to your health visitor?

In longitudinal studies attachment security varies across infancy to adolescence to adulthood - I was surprised to discover, given how much attention the theory gets, that there is actually NOT a lot of compelling evidence that attachment styles in infancy go on to have significant affects. As @Aliceinunderland says many people will have/have had insecure attachments. Where there is a clearer link between attachment and 'problem' behaviours in later life is when a child displays a insecure/disorganised attachment; usually when a child has had inconsistent parenting.

Look at the evidence for this full stop. There’s not that much

With regards to the behaviours between parent and child OP - there is a term used in attachment research and I can't remember if it's called responsive/attuned or sensitive parenting. Something like that. It's basically a way of interacting that isn't overbearing but is attentive and recognizes cues for when a child wants your attention or their own space. Not easy to sum up! One of my lecturers referred to the whole business of identifying attachment styles and effective parenting as 'an art not a science'

Have a listen to the 'science vs' podcast on attachment parenting. It talks a lot about the impact of secure attachment (bizarrely a lot less than you'd think) and what creates secure attachment.

Thanks everyone - I think the lockdown due to covid has had a really
Big impact on how he is with other children and perhaps needing more reassurance/ guidance and almost gentle coaching on how to interact and play.. it's like he doesn't know so I have to show him.. I'm really not sure why he appears scared and doesn't go off to explore on his own..

In terms of attachment I wonder if he may have separation anxiety still as we have spent so much time together over the past 2.5 years..

This parenting thing is a minefield!

He can be very confident and loud/feisty with me and my DH but not outside in the parks with or near other children..

He mainly hates soft play and unstructured play..

Also just a side note, he is confident with adults! Just not other children