How can you tell if toddler is securely attached?

[JC2021]

I've been reading a bit about attachment theory and do wonder if there's a way to tell if a toddler (approaching age 3) is securely (or otherwise) attached and the type of behaviours you might look for between mother/parent and child?

Attachment isn't fixed but is affected by previous relationships.

These days, attachment is usually conceptualised as organised or disorganised.

Most kids have an organised attachment style: this includes secure or insecure (anxious-ambivalent and anxious-avoidant). A minority have a disorganised attachment style.

If your son has a secure attachment, he'll have learned how to have his needs met and trust that he'll have them met. If he has an insecure attachment, he won't trust that his needs will be met, but will have a repeatable strategy for managing his attachment experiences. If he has a disorganised attachment, he won't feel safe either close to you or away from you, and this might lead to ‘fear without resolution’.

So, taking an example of him falling and grazing a knee (note: if he has sn, this might not apply):

Secure: he knows he can shout/cry/come to you/whatever; he trusts that you’ll effectively comfort him.

Insecure: perhaps he knows he can’t shout/cry (because this irritates you), but he knows he can come and sit beside you; he doesn’t trust that you’ll effectively comfort him (perhaps you’re distracted; emotionally dysregulated, or believe kids need to ‘cry it out) but he trusts that he’ll be safe in close proximity and takes comfort from your nearness.

Disorganised: bad things have happened as a result of his proximity seeking behaviours. Perhaps he’s been smacked, shouted at or shamed for making a fuss, or witnessed you become very upset/frightened as a result of his crying. He doesn’t know what to do. He can’t emotionally self-regulate, but he doesn’t trust you to do it for him and is afraid of what will happen if he approaches you. He isn't safe near or away. Perhaps he hides/pretends he wasn’t hurt; perhaps he screams and screams; either way, his stress is prolonged/unresolved.

So, while there's no checklist you can use, you can get a feel for his current attachment style by looking at what he does when he's upset/afraid. His fear itself won't tell you much, so I wouldn't concentrate on shyness etc.

Keep in mind that nothing about this is set. A securely attached toddler can become an insecurely attached child and vice-versa. A child with a secure attachment can have a traumatic experience, e.g. sexual abuse, and become disorganised. If you were unable to respond reliably or effectively as a result of your mental health in the past, that need not have any permanent effect at all. Today is what matters.

Also, there's a mountain of evidence concerning the impact of organised/disorganised attachment on developmental outcomes. I think some posters are confusing the terms. There's less evidence than you might expect in respect of negative outcomes as a result of insecure attachment. That is to say, nothing terrible will ensue if your child is insecurely attached. However, disorganised attachment has been shown, over and over, to be detrimental on all levels.

@Thenose wow, thank you for such clear and informed response. Amazing x

Thenose - yes, but disorganised attachment is very rare.

I have a childcare diploma and psychology degree so did a lot on attachment over the years. I realised how insecurely attached I was to my mother. It’s so bad! I am a nanny to a 3 year old who clearly has a very secure attachment to myself and his mum and it’s so lovely to see the confidence and happiness.

@Thenose - really well explained!

OP you don't need to be a perfect parent for your child to be securely attached. You only have to be a good enough one. If you neglected your baby to where it became abusive (not leaving them to cry as you've reached the end of your tether and need a cup of tea and space) or other abuse occurred would your baby maybe go on to develop disorganised attachment - ie attachment disorder. The parenting books that used attachment theory (and it is only a theory) to say you should always be next to your baby, don't let them cry as they're attachment to you will be ruined, used that theory to plug their parental judgements and views. Your dc sounds like a completely normal child that has spent so much of their life in a pandemic!

@Thenose - very clear post, thank you

My kids are much, much older now, but I worried a lot about attachment in the early days. I was pretty sure my attachment wasn’t secure - and I didn’t want that for my children. I’ve come to realise that my DH has secure attachment and it shows in how he feels about himself. He’s much more confident in himself, and not bothered when other people don’t like him (for whatever reason), whereas I’m always worrying about what people think of me, and feeling insecure.

My family of origin has become increasingly dysfunctional as the years have gone by, and there’s just no way my mum formed secure attachments with her many children. You’re either in or you’re out. I’m very much out.

However, I think I got it right with the kids (did a lot of reading etc). I think it’s about being calm, predictable and just being there for them. They don’t want all singing/ dancing attention- they want security of knowing their parents are there for them - and are giving them the kind of quiet regular attention that shows they are being seen as individuals

My kids are much more secure than I am (late teens/ early twenties). They are moody teenagers at times, but they also have the confidence that comes from knowing they have a solid/ predictable family behind them.

Children don't usually progress from parallel play to playing "with" other children until the age of three or four, OP, so it doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about

Oh god I remember so well when my DD was that she, worrying she wasn't attached to me, trying out tests on her to try and asses if she was attached, reading every book I could find on the subject . I don't want to dismiss your feelings op, but if you're aware of this to the extent of worrying about it, I think it's likely that he has a secure attachment. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself it would all be fine. You say you suffered with anxiety- could this just be another manifestation of that tendency to overthink things?