Has he been stringing me along?

[Kazza2475]

Hi

Thanks for taking the time to read my message.

Back in March this year I was contacted by an ex boyfriend I dated briefly when I was working in Spain in my mid 20s. His message came completely out of the blue because, although we stayed relatively friendly and had met up when we both returned to the UK, we'd ceased contact after ending up in bed together one drunken evening, which was about 17 years ago. It was a long time ago but I think he basically disappeared and went off grid after that evening. I'm in my mid 40s now so a lot has happened since!

I guess I pushed that out of my mind and I was genuinely pleased and touched to hear from him. We messaged each other almost every day, catching up on what each of us had been up to for the last 17 or so years, but skirted round relationships and kids, until I finally asked him after almost a month of messages, and found out that like me he was single. We bonded over poor dating experiences and as time went by I fiunf myself really looking forward to his messages. We never really flirted but our messages were familiar, long and frequent.

When things started to open up in May I mentioned that I would be visiting family and friends in London (I'm in Cambs but I'm originally from the place that he lives now in London) and asked if he would like to meet up, which we did. I was instantly attracted to him when we met up and our conversation flowed really nicely. We were only able to meet for a few hours as was meeting up with friends and he seemed gutted that I couldn't stay out longer. I mentioned that I was going to be in London the following weekend so could meet then if he was available.

So we met the following Saturday for drinks and as the had pub closed early we went back to his place for another drink. We were sat chatting on the sofa when he leaned in to kiss me me. I backed away asking if it was a good idea, I didnt want random sex - not that he was a random but pre pandemic had had a few ONS which left me feeling empty.

Obviously I'd wanted to kiss and sleep with him but I had a real struggle during the pandemic and crisis beforehand where I was done with online dating as my experiences had been awful and filled with rejection but I did not voice this to him although had tried to intimate to him that I didnt want one off sex and wanted something more meaningful.

Anyway, the inevitable happened and we ended up sleeping together. The next day we flitted around the subject. I asked what was his motivation for getting in touch. I said as are messaging had progressed I'd felt a level of attraction and he said the same, hadn't set out for it to happen but that the attraction was still there. I asked if he wanted to continue seeing each other and he said he didn't know what he wanted and that me being so far away was an issue for him but wanted to see me again. I said I didn't know what I wanted either but enjoyed spending time with him and wanted to see what happened. I said that the distance wasn't an issue for me as I'm frequently in London seeing friends and family and because I WFH I can pretty much work anywhere. He had to see family in the afternoon so we said our goodbyes but was pleased to see he'd messaged me on my way home.

We sent each other a few emails that week but the tone of his messages seemed different, a lot shorter and longer gaps in between each message. A week passed and I said that I was going to be in London for the weekend and wanted to know if he was free. He said he wasn't as had a leaving do at work and seeing a friend on the Saturday. I didn't push it but started to feel quite anxious. Every time I suggested meeting up he said he was busy but felt reassured a little when he said stuff like, can you do mid-week etc. When i said i could, he turned round and said he could no longer do that as he had to get up stupidly early. I persevered but obviously starting to get confused and anxious at this point. When I had plans to go to London he was always busy, the last time his excuse being that he was spending the weekend at his parents as he felt he needed to spend more time with them after a year of covid. I said that was really nice and I suggested we could meet on the Fri if that worked for him, and said, 'assuming you do want to meet up?' HE replied straightaway and apologised for being unavailable, but said that he wanted to go after work on the Friday to maximise his time there, but could see if he could try to get away early on the Sunday and visit me in Cambs. I explained I would be in London so that weekend as out on the Saturday night and didn't want him to change his plans but if he was able to get away I could meet him there rather than him travel from Kent to London to Cambs and then back to London all in the same day! He was insistent that he would try to come to me to apologise for being so crap and unavailable and didn't want me hanging around in London on the Sunday when it was highly likely that he'd have to cancel. Weird eh? I said it was no trouble as would be staying at my dad's and catching up with him and anyway, he'd have an idea or not if he was able to get away in the morning so all good. I found this exchange really confusing; he was basically telling me that he would cancel! So on the Saturday evening he basically sent me a very short message saying that he was sorry but Sunday wouldn't be possible now. I began to wonder I'd he was on a date and because things were going well knew or at least hoped, that he would be otherwise occupied on the Sunday morning! I dont know, it's plausible isn't it?! I was expecting it but was so upset to receive and seemed so cold and not like the long messages we'd sent each other for month's before. Another reason for me to think he was seeing someone else - it was though he'd quickly sent it whilst in the loo or something! I left it a few days before replying - at one stage I told myself not to reply and to leave it. He was really screwing with my head and I didn't know what was going on. I obviously feel he's been stringing me along but then I end up questioning that as he comes up with other suggestions to meet to which he then takes off the table - got to get up early; seeing parents again etc. Is it just a big game to him?

Because I'm pathetic I message him and say that I'm away the weekend with friends but will be travelling from London on the friday morning and as I was driving down on the Thursday that would be an opportunity to meet? I couldn't have a late one but it would be nice to have a quick drink? He replied and said he had to get up really early on the Friday but also said that he's not feeling sociable and that lots of things had combined to make him a bit depressed, job is crap, family problems etc and apologised if it's making him seem offish. I offered my support and said that I was always around to lend an ear but voiced my concerns that I might be stressing him out by asking him if he wants to meet up all the time, going on to say that I was really pleased we'd reconnected and that I valued him as a friend (which I do - if it didnt work out for us romantically I would still want him in my life) and that I'd enjoyed chatting and seeing him these last few months. I didn't hear back from him until the Sunday evening when I was on my way back from break. He thanked me for my support and said that he was feeling burnt out but said I wasn't contributing to his stress but was worried that I was getting pissed off with him for always being unavailable. He also said that he was really pleased we'd reconnected and valued my friendship and didn't want to f* things up come what may. He also asked if I'd had a nice time away which was nice as hadn't really acknowledged it or shown any interest in previous messages. I replied the following day again offering support, saying I didn't know exactly how he was feeling but could relate a little and said that I was sad he has all these worries. Told him about my weekend away and just made general chit chat. That was over 10 days ago now and he hasn't replied so wondering if he ever will.

I don't doubt that he has all these worries going on. Normal worries aside it's been a particularly anxiety inducing time this past 15 months or so and I have bucket loads of empathy for anyone going through depression. But have I been pursuing someone who ultimately doesn't want to see me again? Is it a case of 'he's just not that into you' and he's making excuses each time do as not to hurt my feelings. I would much prefer honesty as I would know where I stand because at the moment my head is all over the place, thoughts in my head oscillating between confusion, anger, sadness and worry (for him). What should I do? Give it up as a case of another bad experience? Or wait a few weeks and check in with him to see how he's feeling? Because I'm feeling a multitude of different emotions I'm also feeling angry. Why is he treating me like this? If he doesn't want to see me again why doesn't he just be open and honest? I guess whsts hurt me more I'd that we have history, he's not just some guy from tinder, so would expect him to communicate with me rather than ignore me and mess with my head!

Thanks for reading my super long post and hope it's not been too confusing to read!

Yes unfortunately I'd say he's stringing you along, another quick fling, I wouldn't bother messaging again, he was just looking for short term attention.

I asked if he wanted to continue seeing each other and he said he didn't know what he wanted and that me being so far away was an issue for him but wanted to see me again.

There's your answer. You asked him what he wanted and he said he didn't know.

Then he avoided seeing you and answered shortly.

He's just had what he wanted and now he's not bothered. Sorry OP.

Also, sex isn't "The inevitable" but is something that should happen once some level of trust and intimacy has been built up. At least a few dates in.

That was very long! Basically old flame got in touch, you met twice, slept together on the second date and since then you have been chasing him and he’s been avoiding you?

It’s a quite a scumbag behaviour what he has done, but wouldn’t say he is stringing you along now. He would happily drift away now that he has got what he wanted.

Move on and put this behind you. He is not worth all this headspace.

The one thing that stood out for me is that in this brief "relationship" (for want of a better word), you have done all the running every single time. He has had to make no effort whatsoever but still bails on you constantly.

He's flaky and unreliable and probably lost interest once he'd had a shag and you keep throwing yourself at him.

It's brutal and most of us have been there, but if a man is interested in you, you will no about it. An interested man will move heaven and earth to meet up and accommodate you.

Just because a man makes quite a good friend doesn't automatically make him a good partner and he is a taker, not a giver.

Hard as it is, please gather up your dignity and move on and definitely don't chase him anymore. You deserve so much more. Good luck

To help avoid something happening like this again where you're not looking for something casual, have a chat about their intentions before you sleep together, go on quite a few dates before too so you know they are invested in building a relationship with you, it's not foolproof of course but it will help weed out the ones just looking for a casual good time, especially if they live miles away.
I know it's disappointing as he was an ex but the last time you saw him, he basically did the same thing, he thought after all this time you would forgive him so he tried it on again.

@seensome after 17 years?! I feel angry with him as had opened up a few times in our messages and when we met about the crappy experiences I'd had online. I'm even angrier and annoyed with myself with the fact that I slept with him after telling him that how random sex made me feel empty and I didnt want to do it anymore!

@AnaViaSalamanca yes, I think what has been confusing to me is that when he says he's busy he's suggested alternatives (only then to retract!) but has been quite open about stuff going on in his life - stuff about work, family and news he's had about a friend. I think if he'd just said 'sorry, I'm busy' it would be easier to walk away from him, but the numerous apologies for him being unavailable and seemingly offish have blurred the lines for me somewhat.

He got what he wanted and has now distanced himself.
I've experienced this before and its painful to say the least.
Let him go ,do not contact him anymore and don't reply immediately to his messages,or block if you feel you need to in order to move in from this.
He's a fuckin awful shit for doing this to you but unfortunately that seems to be quite alot if men like this .
Good luck

I’m sorry @Kazza2475 but all that is really noise and excuses. I know it must hurt and be confusing when you are in it, but he is just putting on a (very far) back burner and taking a coward’s way out. Shows his character.

It sucks. I know. But these small small rejections will wreak havoc on your self esteem. Accept it as a couple of enjoyable dates and move on. There is no dearth of men trust me!

what has been confusing to me is that when he says he's busy he's suggested alternatives (only then to retract!)

It's just a way to keep you there as an option. No more no less. Awful.

This is going to sound really harsh but I think you need a reality check. How many times does he have to tell you he doesn’t want to meet you, for you to realise he doesn’t want to meet you?

Your post is FULL of you messaging him to arrange meeting up, and him saying no. He might give nice, feasible reasons, but they’re all still a “no”.

He was obviously never going to meet you in that Sunday - he even said as much when he said he didn’t want you waiting round in London in case he had to cancel.

You’re sweet and straightforward so you’re making the rookie mistake of paying attention to his words (which were polite) but not his actions (which were to shag you then never see you again).

Why do you keep suggesting times and dates when you can see him, when he never says yes? Just stop. He treated you badly 17 years ago, and is doing the same now. He’s just not that into you. But other men will be. Time to find someone else.

And use your anger. Let it guide you to move on from him. Every minute you give this man headspace is your life wasted on him. He is not worth it.

Read also - mr unavailable and the fallback girl

@Inthesameboatatmo it's awful isn't it? I'm aware that to some people it probably seems like I'm over reacting but given our shared history feel humiliated that he's treated me in this way.

When we initially met up he said that he'd basically never grown up so that should've been a massive red flag for me!

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet. I'm also actually quite shocked that after the anxiety ridden year we've all collectively had that anyone could be so shitty.

I feel tempted to message him to tell him what a shit he's been but doubt that he'd feel any guilt and that I'm also giving him power by seeing how much he's upset me me.

It's that killer - "hope'. It's good to recognise when that has started to drive your actions. He tells you one thing - maybe not in an openly up front way (this is so male, I find) but intimates - hoping you'll get the message and keep your (safe) distance, but you 'hope' this isn't true and act accordingly.

He's an asshole with useful manners - that's all. If he respected you as a friend he would have been more careful about your feelings. But he's made it so that his ass holery is beneath the surface. And can be justified at a surface level. There would be no point in trying to call him on it.

But you also need to look after yourself more. It happened once and you let it happen again - why? answer: hope.

And I bet his life is littered with women kept and managed at a distance like this. There's an epidemic of men like this. learn to read the signs much earlier. They are between the lines.

Pseudo intimacy in texts and messages has no currency in the world of real relationships IMO. Why would you think a mutual whinge about dating has any value other than letting the other person know you are vulnerable? Whenever you feel 'close' to someone via texts it's illusion, fed by hope. I'm not saying be negative - I'm saying be utterly neutral until proven otherwise and you know what you are doing.

Tell him to F.off and better (informed) luck next time.

So basically you had sex 17 years ago and he disappeared straight afterwards and now he has turned up out of the blue, lulled you in, slept with you again and is trying to disappear again. I don't understand why you have messaged him so many times asking to meet up when he doesn't want to and is constantly fobbing you off. Sorry OP it's shit but you need to block this one, don't bother with any of this being friends rubbish either.

@Kazza2475.
Yep it's a fuckin hurtful situation to be in. In my case we were together alot and were having fairly regular sex but after 7 months just went distant, cancelled plans would take ages to respond to messages, in the end I just blocked him ,didnt give him an explanation just did it.
In a way I wish I had told him how it had made me feel if only to get closure for myself but i know that blocking him before he even expected it was the best thing to do .

I wouldn't message him at all. I'd just block him. Arse that he is. Alternatively, you could message him and say "I thought you were a decent person, guess I was wrong!" then block him. He'll be fuming that he can't respond.

He's keeping you on the back burner by giving you just enough to keep you interested but always at arms length, ready to reel you in again when the times right. This isn't the man for you. You deserve better than to be someone's second, third, fifth, tenth, hundredth choice. If he really wanted to be with you then he would move heaven and earth to see you.

He's not your friend, and he's not that interested. Stop chasing him.
Also, why did it take a month before you discussed whether you were both single? That's really weird. And why would you tell him how shit ONS make you feel and then carry on to sleep with him that very night? Were you trying to guilt him into a relationship? Trying to tell yourself that therefore he must want to have a long term relationship if he went ahead ? You are giving mixed messages yourself.
Move on, and don't be making pronouncements to the next guy, sleep with them or don't, but make it entirely your decision. Don't assume that if they want to shag you that it means anything but that. Doesn't mean anyone is being horrible, but you can't pass responsibility over to a man for your feelings and actions.
If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that if a guy wants to se you, he will move mountains to do so. If he doesn't, then he's just not that interested. In your case, the Cambridge to London distance is a red herring and clearly an excuse.
Some women can sleep with men without being upset if doesn't go any further, they can enjoy it for what it is. If you are not one of those people, then don't do it.
His behaviour is hurtful, but I think you'd already invested more into it than him, too soon. If you feel you need to block him, then do. Otherwise just don't contact him. If he does call you, you can just text back something light and non-committal, but don't get involved with this guy, you clearly want different things.

Also, please don't reach out to him again. You're prolonging this misery. I personally would block him but if you can't bring yourself to do that then at least don't respond to any further messages from him. He's a shit.

I feel tempted to message him to tell him what a shit he's been

Don’t! He knows.

'Is he stringing me along?' isn't a question that people in healthy relationships ask. So, regardless of the answer to the question, the question's existence means that your relationship is unhealthy.

And when your relationship is unhealthy, you leave.

For future reference, anybody who makes your head feel like it's 'all over the place' is a person to spend as little time with as possible. It doesn't matter why. Filter your company so that you only hang around people you feel good with. That's boundaries sorted, in a sentence.

It's life changing to realise that you don't have to change yourself, you just have to put yourself with the right people, and be exactly who you are now.

Sorry that was way too long so I didn’t read it all but by the fist of things, it sounds like he’s unavailable and probably in a relationship already. Sorry

God this was painful to read — you’re acting so desperate. I know that sounds hard but you really need to take the hint. If he was available and wanted to meet he would say so.

I'm really really sorry to hear this! Been through similiar and its just emotionally draining! Puts you in such a bad place when really you are actually OK. I didn't have history though with the man that treated me like yours did.I so agree with @rosabug and this idea of chasing hope. Reading messages but not really reading the messages or making the wishwashyness reason to believe he wasn't saying 'no'. I was ultimately chasing someone who just wasn't that into me even though i'd convinced myself he was and that silences, cancellations weren't just excuses. He'd send a text after weeks of nothing and i'd go running. I wasn't watching his behaviour i was hanging on to his texts and making them fit what i wanted to happen. I was a *queen idiot' for months! Don't be one too, leave him well alone. Eventually i walked away, looking back on it all now i know i should have done so, so much sooner. I had no clue how desperate i was coming across. Ugh! I learnt a lot though from those rubbish few months and will NEVER be falling for any excuses again. I also felt like telling him what i felt but ultimately just began to ignore his texts (that were very few and far between) Others have said as well that whenever you are confused then the man just isn't interested because when they are interested you wouldn't even have any doubts their behaviour would tell you everything. Sending you a becuase i love them!