Would you expect your DP to forget the condom?

[Panashd]

I’ve developed an irritation following condom use. Nothing major but it’s very uncomfortable. We sometimes don’t use condoms anyway as I’m on the pill.

I’ve even tried other types of condom and get the same irritation.

Would you expect your DP to be ok with losing the condoms in this context? He’s always been keen to use them as a general rule (not always!) just to be on the safe side. But he’s also quite relaxed about contraception failing, said he’d be ok with an accident.

I want to bring it up and say no more condoms but is that unfair of me? Is it reasonable ?

Why aren't you comfortable approaching him about it?

Are you in an exclusive relationship? If so, why don't you both commit to a full STI check up and once you've got the results, review if you're comfortable not using them? That's how I've always approached it in long term relationships.

I’m not sure @TheFoundations just feel like it’s being controlling maybe?!

@LBOCS2 yes we have both had tests a while ago.

I'd just say something like "I'd prefer not to use condoms anymore. How do you feel about that DP?"

Have you had the conversation about what you would do if you became pregnant? Would you terminate? Would you keep the pregnancy?

Can you be sure you will take your pill exactly as you’re supposed to and never miss it?

Have you had the children talk? Is your relationship in the right place for children? I suspect not otherwise you wouldn’t be using two forms of contraception.

Have you talked about marriage?

Have you talked about finances if you were to have a child? Would you remain in work full time or become a SAHM? Would he become a SAHD?

@MotionActivatedDog we’d be fine with it. I’m careful with the pill though.

@Panashd

I’m not sure *@TheFoundations* just feel like it’s being controlling maybe?!

@LBOCS2 yes we have both had tests a while ago.

But you wouldn't just tell him what to do, would you. That would be controlling. Are you not comfortable to talk to him about it, tell him how you feel and why, tell him what you'd prefer, and ask him how he feels about it?

You are essentially asking a bunch of strangers if it's OK for you to have your feelings.

Can you talk about sex with him usually?

I'd probably look into a longer term more reliable method than the pill if I were going to ditch the condoms, like an IUD or IUS, unless I were genuinely pretty OK with a failure. But otherwise, yes, I'd just bring it up.

@TheFoundations he’s a bit awkward about sex stuff and can get fixated on things happening a certain way. I don’t know why i feel weird about it really.

Seems like a perfectly reasonable request. Men decide they don’t want to use condoms all the time!

If you are having irritation from condoms I would expect to

1. Only continue a sexual relationship if you are exclusive
2. Undergo sti checks as appropriate
3. Consider a second form of birth control

I’m fully allergic to many condoms and my birth control options were extremely limited so this is definitely a conversation I have had.

For what it is worth, I did eventually find condoms that did not trigger an allergic reaction, but they only protected against pregnancy, not STI.

As it causes you discomfort, I would definitely bring up the conversation about stopping using them. I would agree with a PP about a more reliable method than the pill though (I conceived DD1 whilst correctly taking the pill).

Yes I would expect him to be fine at loosing them in that context

Personally have never used them with dp but know if it causes irritation he wouldn't want me to be in pain.

So you're having sex with him, but you're not comfortable to discuss it with him, even when it's resulting in you being physically uncomfortable.

Can you see how this is a bit of a worry? You need to be 100% confident that your comfort is a major priority in a sexual relationship. Your comfort and wellbeing isn't some naughty little secret that you should be uncomfortable to talk about.

Have you been together long? Is he generally concerned about your comfort in other areas of life? Are you generally comfortable to tell him when something he does is bothering you?

So many questions. It just seems a strange priority to be asking other people what they would expect of their partners. What you want is the vital thing here, even if the whole rest of the world thought you were being odd.

Using a condom is the only way for him to take responsibility for his own fertility (except for long term/permanent vasectomy). I have absolutely no sympathy for men who get "tricked" into pregnancies because they relinquish all responsibility for their own fertility and leave it solely to their female partner, so it's good that you seem to have found someone who is a responsible adult. The only way you could really expect him to be comfortable with ditching condoms is if he genuinely would be happy to have a baby, in which case it doesn't really make sense that you wouldn't just ditch contraception altogether. I understand he has said that he'd be happy with an unexpected pregnancy, but his actions seem to indicate otherwise. I think you need a very frank and open discussion. It's not unreasonable to ask him about stopping using condoms (on the clear understanding that pregnancy is possible and would be the responsibility of both partners), but it's also definitely not unreasonable for him to refuse.

[quote Panashd]@MotionActivatedDog we’d be fine with it. I’m careful with the pill though.[/quote]
So was I. Never ever missed one. I now have a 24 year old.

[quote Panashd]@MotionActivatedDog we’d be fine with it. I’m careful with the pill though.[/quote]
Fine with what? I asked several different questions.

I was perfectly careful on the pill. I have a 4 year old DS.

Why are you using condoms with a man you're in a committed relationship with if you're on the pill? I don't understand.

I got pregnant twice on the pill 😂
Not sure I could be with someone I couldn’t discuss all aspects of sex with 😬

I would carefully consider whether or not you want a baby. You say you’re ‘careful with the pill’ but would be ‘happy with an accident.’ You need to clear this up, otherwise you could end up with a misunderstanding and resentment when the ‘accident’ inevitably happens.

I’m not asking for advice on whether the pill is ok as contraception. We are fine with that. I’m just asking whether it’s reasonable for me to ask this of him if he’s used to using them

Yes, it's reasonable.

Try a different brand/ latex free. You definitely can ask him if he's comfortable with it and if not try an alternative.

How long have you been together?

I'd probably try different brands - are you allergic to latex? There are non-latex brands.